


Village Building

by Jacks, Oparu



Series: co-written with Jacks [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Childbirth, F/M, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-09
Updated: 2012-09-09
Packaged: 2017-11-13 21:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 87,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacks/pseuds/Jacks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oparu/pseuds/Oparu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Technology fails and Kathryn's pregnant. Not what she's expecting, but the crew adapts. Life continues, with stellar voids, body-swapping aliens and letters from home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set about a year after "All of the While", in Voyager's 4th season. One giant character study focused on the relationships (J/C, some P/T, and lots of assorted friendship)

Dammit. Kathryn grabbed toast and coffee off the table and forced herself to eat the first as she waited for the latter to cool. Oversleeping was so much less of a hazard when she lived by herself. She'd been so good at getting up when she didn't wake up next to a gorgeous, frequently naked man.

"Sorry," she mumbled to Chakotay through toast. "Sorry, sorry. You shouldn't let me sleep." She ended the last with a clumsy kiss of his cheek.

Nodding his agreement, Chakotay put an arm around her waist, letting it slide down across her hip as she moved away. "You're right, I'm sorry," he said, not in the least apologetic. He blew on his tea before taking a sip and grinned over the mug at her. "I like to watch you for a while in the morning before you wake up," he admitted. There was also the matter of her chronic sleep deprivation, which he tried to alleviate whenever the opportunity presented itself, but now was not the time to get into that.

"Maybe you should get up earlier then," she teased, shaking her head. Kathryn yawned behind her coffee cup and wished it would cool faster.

"I hate being late," she sighed, giving up and sitting down before he forced her to. "Tom teases me."

Handing her a dish of fruit, Chakotay sat down. "Try this while you're waiting," he said, nodding to the steaming coffee cup. It was an uphill battle getting Kathryn to consume something other than caffeine, but he didn't give it much thought. His mind was back at their discussion of morning routine.

"Anyway, it's hardly my fault," he said, picking up where they had left off. "I usually wake before the alarm so I cancel it because I think it's nicer to wake you myself. But then you're lying there, your face so peaceful, hair spread over the pillow, arms above your head, and you wear that peach nightgown that I love..." He trailed off, then looked up guiltily and grinned. "Sorry, what were we discussing?"

Sitting down at the table, she used her fork to choose a piece of fruit. When she lifted it to her mouth, the smell of it made her pause. It smelt strange. Kathryn looked at it curiously, making sure she knew what she was eating.

A strawberry should have been incredibly familiar, but this just didn't smell right. Maybe she was tired. She popped it in her mouth and forced herself to swallow quickly. His fruit seemed to be fine. She was being silly.

"We were discussing the fact that you like letting me sleep in," she reminded Chakotay with a shake of her head. "Don't you want me to be on time for my shift?" she pleaded playfully.

"Be careful, Kathryn," he warned with a mock leer. "If we're going with what I want, you'll never make it out of bed." His fantasies, when he had time to indulge them, involved long, uninterrupted blocks of time with her, preferably far away from any other living soul. Too many of their days were spent scrabbling for even those few precious minutes in the morning or at night.

Sighing at the impossibility, Chakotay studied her a moment. She looked pale, and she was definitely more tired than usual, which was the real reason he'd let her oversleep. "Quiet night tonight?" he proposed gently, standing to stretch and draining the last of his tea.

She reached for his arm, tugging him down over the table to kiss his cheek. "It's Tuesday," she reminded him. "Movie night." Pulling him down further, she kissed him lightly and sighed. "We can sit in the back and you can tell me what happened when it's all done." One of the downsides of being more social with the crew was that they were busier together than they'd ever been single.

Kathryn gulped down the rest of the fruit, trying not to frown at the bowl. Not even the pineapple tasted right. She drank her coffee quickly. "Your versions of Mr. Paris' choices are usually more fun anyway."

"It brings out the poet in me," Chakotay smiled agreeably. "Tonight's feature involves Godzilla, but I'm not sure if that's a person or a place."

Placing his cup in the replicator, he turned back to Kathryn and let his hand rest lightly on her shoulder. "I can think of worse ways to spend an evening than sitting in the dark with you," he teased.

Tossing her arms around the back of his neck, she kissed him firmly. His coffee tasted slightly better than hers. Maybe she needed to try sugar...that was just wrong. It had to be a replicator malfunction.

"Godzilla vs Mothra," she clarified for him. "I believe they're both monsters out to destroy part of Earth. I do like the films with the creative use of early computer graphics." Kissing him one more time, Kathryn reluctantly backed towards the door.

"Light, dark...if you're there, I'll be," she promised before she left.

Chakotay smiled at the back of Kathryn. Gathering the few remaining dishes, he placed them in the replicator before glancing over to the chronometer. He had promised to start the day by speaking with Neelix about a proposed food-gathering expedition.

The amount of bureaucracy in his job amused him. From freedom fighter to chief administrator was not a move he'd anticipated for his life. There was, of course, much more to the first officer role than management, but some days he felt more like head babysitter, or if he were brutally honest, zookeeper. In fairness, that had less to do with the crew and more to do with the oddities that life in the Delta Quadrant tended to provide.

Still, as he passed through the doorway of the shared quarters that had been his home for almost a year, Chakotay acknowledged that he was the happiest he had ever been.

Strolling onto the bridge, Kathryn was acutely aware she was a few minutes late but there was no point in worrying about it. Tuvok raised an eyebrow and she tapped his console as she passed. "Mr. Tuvok."

She caught Tom's smile as she crossed behind him towards her chair. Harry was the only one who didn't seem ready to pounce on her for being late. She smiled at Harry, he was always a bright spot on the bridge and he was growing up so fast. She must have looked at him longer than normal; she'd been so sentimental lately.

"Good morning Mr. Kim." 

"Captain," Harry said, smiling back.

Instead taking her chair immediately, she strolled up behind the conn. Resting her hand on Tom's shoulder, she barely resisted the urge to straighten a rebellious lock of his hair. "What's our heading, Mr. Paris?"

"Heading two seven four mark one three," Tom replied pleasantly. It was going to be a good day. The captain's hand on his shoulder always made him feel vaguely like he'd done something clever in school.

Not that that had happened particularly often.

Swiveling a little to face her, he grinned cheekily. "Good to see you, Captain. I was a little concerned you were having trouble finding your way to the bridge. Or did you oversleep again?"

She really wouldn't gain anything by denying it so Kathryn sighed and nodded to him. "Unfortunately I did, Mr. Paris." This made it the third time in the last two weeks. If she wasn't the captain, she'd consider putting herself on report. "I'm pleased you pay so much attention to the time."

Tilting his head a little, Tom concentrated on looking innocent. She was in an oddly relaxed mood; she could take a little teasing. "You know, my Captain Proton program has something called an alarm clock. It's meant to help people get out of bed on time. Big bells on the top...it might be useful. I could look into getting you one if you'd like?"

Kathryn tried to glare at him but failed utterly. "I don't know if it would match the décor of my bedroom but I'll keep it in mind." Retreating to her chair in the centre of the bridge, she sat down but couldn't banish her smile. Picturing something with large brass bells next to her bed, she smirked and to her dismay, she giggled.

Spinning in his chair, Tom glanced first at the captain, then at Harry whose eyes were enormous. Even Tuvok's eyebrow was a little higher than normal. Kathryn Janeway did not giggle, and Tom would know. She had one of the best laughs he'd ever heard; when it rang out it was like cooling rain on the savannah. There was nothing timid or, well, girly about it.

Harry glared at him and motioned to the captain with a nod of his head. Sighing a little, Tom turned back to his console. He knew what Harry wanted but he also knew that questioning the competence of the captain, even in the broadest sense, was a little closer to the line than even he liked to go.

Oh well. What the hell. "Everything all right back there, Captain?" he asked casually, suddenly very involved in the numbers on the screen before him.

Now she'd done it. Trying to resurrect her composure, Kathryn dropped her eyes to her console and tried to focus on the sensor readings. Perhaps Chakotay was right, being sleep deprived caught up to everyone given long enough. She bit her lip and managed to stop herself from continuing to giggle. It wasn't even that funny. Tom was often funny and she usually found ways to ignore him.

"Of course, Mr. Paris," she answered warmly. There was no sense in penalising him for being curious. "It's nothing. Thank you for your concern."

The unbidden image of Chakotay's face when she told him she needed an antique alarm clock with bells made her giggles sneak back up to the surface. She hadn't been this bad since she was a cadet. Swallowing, she focused on the viewscreen and the starlines flying past. It was going to be a very long day.

"Tell me about Godzilla," she asked, trying to shift his attention. "Does he eat Moscow?"

Tom snorted. "Uh, no, ma'am." A flickering light caught his attention and he made the appropriate adjustments. "In this one, Godzilla ravages Japan, taking out several large buildings with his atomic ray before facing off against Mothra in the climactic battle scene. It's gonna be great, Captain, you'll love it!" Movie night was right up there with television. "It's considered to be one of the top five movies of that genre," he continued seriously.

Harry watched the exchange with interest. She was still having some difficulty keeping her focus but overall she seemed all right. Surely Tuvok would notice if there was really a problem.

Although she and Commander Chakotay attended a lot of the social events, he doubted Godzilla was really her style. "Do you like movie night, Captain?" Harry asked, curious.

"Oh, right, Japan," she remembered that. Godzilla always attacked Japan, B'Elanna had been talking about it yesterday at lunch. Smiling affectionately at the back of Tom's head, she wondered when Chakotay would make it up to the bridge to save her. Although, even he wouldn't know what to do with her and the giggles if she couldn't find a way to concentrate.

"Tom's selections make it very enlightening, Mr. Kim," she answered Harry's question, turning slightly in her chair. "With an entire library of films over the last few centuries, he seems to like the ones with monsters played by actors in rubber suits."

"Hey now, come on," Tom protested, sounding more hurt than he actually was. "These films are classics. They have both historical and cultural significance." In truth, 'significance' might not have been exactly the word, but they were fun.

"Ask Chakotay, he likes them."

"What do I like?" Chakotay asked, striding onto the bridge. He nodded to Tuvok and Harry, and registered a look of what appeared to be relief on Harry's face, before settling into his seat beside Kathryn and smiling at her.

"Monster movies."

Tom had turned fully in his chair to continue the conversation Chakotay had interrupted. "Careful, Lieutenant," Chakotay said wryly. "Don't steer us into an asteroid." He wasn't really irritated. The atmosphere on the bridge seemed a little more...loose than usual, but that wasn't a bad thing, particularly when nothing important was going on.

"I think we're all right, Chakotay," Kathryn promised, staring at the empty viewscreen. She had no idea why she was protecting Tom, and she gave Chakotay an apologetic shrug. "There's nothing out there. What was that-" she twirled her hand in the air, trying to remembering. "The one you liked Chakotay, with the highly improbable monsters who bled acid."

They'd kept jumping out in the dark, and for some reason, the effect had been highly disturbing. Her fingers had been wrapped tightly enough around his wrist that she'd worried she'd put his hand to sleep. "You remember, don't you?"

"Are you thinking of Alien, Captain?" Chakotay asked her, recognizing the apology in her glance and smiling warmly to let her know it was fine. It was unusual for Kathryn to comment on his interactions with the crew but it didn't really bother him one way or the other.

"Alien was considered a much higher quality picture than the monster movies from earlier in the century," Tom chimed back in after determining there was no tension between the members of the command team. "Personally, I think it's all in the eye of the beholder."

Harry laughed. "You would. Godzilla's a lot closer to Captain Proton than anything else we've come across." 

"Alien," Kathryn agreed, beaming at him. She knew he'd know. "That was it. I liked that one."

"I believe I agree with the captain," Tuvok interjected. "Captain Proton and Godzilla seem to be more of a distraction than entertainment that truly provokes an emotional response. Parts of Alien would be almost disturbing enough to be used as a test of a Vulcan child's self control."

"You let your children watch scary movies?" Kathryn asked, turning her head back towards Tuvok. "Wouldn't that be a waste of their time?"

"Learning to control all emotions, including fear, is vital to the development of Vulcan children," Tuvok reported back evenly. "I would be happy to provide Mr. Paris with some examples that might not be too emotionally disturbing for non-Vulcan members of the crew."

"Gee, Tuvok," Tom turned his head to make sure all was as it should be before returning to the conversation. "Vulcan-themed movie night. We'll all have nightmares for a month. Thanks but no thanks."

Chakotay scanned through a list of reports waiting for his perusal as the chatter went on around him. Nothing urgent. He looked up to catch Kathryn watching him with interest. She'd been more attentive lately, even in public. Not that it was unwelcome in any way. She was, as always, professional and discreet, and he doubted anyone but him had noticed.

"Most cultures incorporate the idea of helping children master fear," he offered. "Just maybe not in such a definitive way."

Tom and Tuvok verbally sparring nearly had her in the giggles again. Kathryn should have known better. Vulcan children's films terrifying her crew was a far too amusing thought. She had to bite her lip again. It had to be sleep deprivation.

Chakotay's comment was wise, of course, but she was still fighting with the part of herself that was so amused by everything today.

"Perhaps if you had a more disciplined mind, you would not need to be concerned with nightmares," Tuvok retorted towards the conn officer.

Kathryn smirked. Discipline and Tom Paris were not close friends. Her upper lip itched and she rubbed it on the back of her hand. To her surprise, the back on her hand was smeared with blood as she pulled it away. It wasn't much, but it was certainly a surprise.

Tom's response to Tuvok was halted when he noticed the problem. It was the puzzled look on her face as much as anything that drew his attention, followed quickly by the blood across her nose and lips. "Ah, Captain--" he began, but Chakotay was already on it.

"You're bleeding," he noted calmly. She'd discovered the blood herself but sat studying it as though it contained the mysteries of the universe. Waiting a minute, Chakotay leaned over to place a hand on her arm. "Captain?"

"I'm all right, Chakotay," she promised quickly. It didn't hurt at all and perhaps that was what had her so confused. "It's nothing. It's barely bleeding."

That was a slight understatement, but a nosebleed was nothing to be worried about. "I'm fine," she promised again. "It'll probably just stop."

"Don't lean back, Captain," Tom said quietly, noticing the tilt of her head. "You don't want the blood to go down your throat." He knew she hated the attention and he felt bad, but it didn't appear to be stopping. "Squeeze your nose just below the bridge," he suggested. The minor blood flow didn't seem to interfere with her ability to glare at him and grinning at her, he turned away to examine the conn, giving her a moment to compose herself.

Chakotay watched quietly, trusting Kathryn to let them know what she needed. She'd come a long way from the woman who'd once ignored a broken ankle until she literally couldn't walk on it.

Pinching her nose, Kathryn sighed and rolled her eyes at herself. She could almost hear Chakotay's lecture through his eyes. Maybe he had a point. The bleeding wasn't stopping and she couldn't just sit there.

"Well, Commander, I think I'll have to leave the bridge to you until I'm no longer a hazard to the ship's carpet." She hated going to sickbay but it couldn't be helped.

She smiled at Chakotay, promising she was all right. "I'll be in sickbay."

"Captain," Tuvok interrupted her walk to the turbolift. "The Doctor will need to be summoned from holodeck two."

Tom's head snapped up at that piece of information. "I could go with you, Captain," he volunteered quickly. Things on the bridge weren't exactly hopping, and he was curious about what had caused the nosebleed. He was half out of his chair before he thought to check with Chakotay, who gave him a quick nod.

"Come on, Captain," he said smoothly, openly trying to charm her. "Best medic in the Delta Quadrant. No waiting. Plus no lecture from the Doc. Who could resist that?"

Even with her hand on her nose, Kathryn had to smile at Tom. When he wanted to be, he was terribly charming. "Thank you, Mr. Paris." It wasn't that long ago she'd had to force him into sickbay; now she couldn't help being proud of him.

"I want a level two sensor sweep, Mr. Tuvok, just in case I'm our canary in a coal mine," she sighed. Holding her hand beneath her nose was one of the least dignified things she'd had to do on the bridge.

"Of course, Captain," Tuvok answered with a nod.

Kathryn met Chakotay's eyes and smiled weakly at him. She'd be fine, and he'd never admit he was concerned, but she felt better after looking at him.

"All right, Lieutenant, you have yourself a patient."

The trip to sickbay took no time at all, mainly because Kathryn Janeway didn't walk anywhere slowly, dripping blood or no dripping blood. He couldn't help but admire her.

"Up on the bed, if you please. We'll have you fixed up in no time. First we'll stop the bleeding, then we'll figure out what's causing it." Tom passed the captain a towel and put a shallow basin in her lap so she could remove her hand. "Is this the first time this has happened?"

"Yes, Doc," she replied, wiping her fingers on the towel. Tom had a special smile when he was being caring. It was one of the things she was most proud of him for. His father would have been too. She hoped Tom knew that.

Trying not to look at the little red drops falling into the basin, she watched Tom grab a tricroder. "I can't remember ever having a spontaneous nosebleed before, correct."

A quick look showed him the ruptured blood vessel and Tom cauterised it deftly. "That should help, but you'll probably have to let it drain another minute," he told the captain apologetically.

Beginning a full body scan, he worked his way carefully through a differential diagnosis, as the Doc had taught him. No head trauma or systemic weakening of the capillaries, no sign of allergy or environmentally-caused irritation, blood pressure well within acceptable parameters, but--

Puzzled, he stared at the tricorder. "Your blood volume is higher than it should normally be. I'm not sure - oh--" He cut himself off and grinned at her, amazed, as the scan revealed its answer. "Wow, Captain, you could have said something."

Kathryn had been trying not to swing her feet of the edge of the biobed. She usually didn't fidget, but she was full of nervous energy that didn't have a place to go. Once her nose had stopped bleeding, she was left with a slightly foggy feeling that wasn't unpleasant.

Tom on the other hand, was entirely surprised by something on his tricorder. She turned to him, tilting her head to the side. "Said something about what, Mr. Paris?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "You're not about to tell me that I have some kind of alien parasite that's ready to burst through my chest, are you?"

For a second he thought for sure she was pulling his leg. She had a wicked but subtle sense of humour and the Alien reference was too perfect. Something in her eyes made him hesitate.

"You don't...?" She didn't, it dawned on him all at once. The captain had no idea. "You don't know," he sputtered a little, all thought of bedside manner abandoning him entirely. "You don't know, and I'm an idiot. Oh god, I'm sorry, Captain." Great work, Paris. There's a promotion in this for you for sure!

"It's all right, Tom," she reassured him. He was so flustered she forgot she was supposed to be the patient. "You don't have to apologise. I'm sure whatever it is will be fine." Kathryn patted his shoulder and searched his face for a hint.

"What is it that I don't know?" she wondered, waiting for him to calm down. "Have you discovered some terrible alien virus?" She smiled a little, wishing she could do something for him. "I'm not going to have to miss Godzilla, am I?"

Tom smiled weakly, appreciating her kindness. "No, no," he promised, "it's nothing as drastic as that. Well, actually, I hope not..." Really, he had no idea how she'd feel about what he had to tell her. Oh boy. This was not helping.

"All right, Captain," he regrouped mentally, and wondered if there was any hope of summoning the Doc. But if he didn't saying something he was in real danger of scaring her. Nobody wanted to see their trained medical professional staring at the tricorder and babbling like a dolt.

Pull it together. "I just need a little more information," he said with more confidence than he felt. He could at least try to ease her into it. "Have you noticed any other unusual symptoms lately? Anything at all?"

He was trying so hard to smile. If she thought it wouldn't have bothered him further, Kathryn would have considered reminding him how much she trusted him. Tom seemed to think she was missing something, so she tried to be helpful.

Crossing her legs, she rested her hands on her knee and ran through the last few days mentally. "I had a headache on Tuesday and again yesterday, but that's hardly unusual." She frowned and tried to think back further.

"I suppose I've been tired," Kathryn admitted, smiling in reproach of herself. "I have had to contemplate putting myself on report for oversleeping. I've never had that problem before. I don't see how that would be related to an increase in blood volume, but, I'm not the medic now am I?"

Tom swallowed. "No, ma'am, you're not," he acknowledged. She really had no clue and there was nothing he could do to prepare her for it. Taking a deep breath, he tried for a calm and serious tone. "Captain, you're pregnant."

Saying the words caused a smile to explode across his face that sent the last of his hopes for professional detachment flying out the airlock. It really was the most wonderful news. "You're pregnant," he told her again.

Kathryn simply stared at him. Her lips parted in shock and her stomach dropped into her boots. Shaking her head slowly, she watched Tom break into a smile and beam at her. "I--"

He really was committed to this prank. It had to be a joke, there was no other explanation. She laughed, losing her control and losing out to the giggles that had been torturing her all morning. "Very funny, Tom," she answered, still laughing even as she sighed in relief. "You almost had me. Is Chakotay in on this?"

"Captain," Tom rolled his eyes inwardly. It figured he would finally work up to telling her and she wouldn't believe him. Nobody ever accused the Doc of playing a joke when he gave an official diagnosis.

On the other hand, it had to be quite a shock.

"I'm serious," he tried again. "You're definitely pregnant. Here, look at the tricorder." Moving beside her so she could watch, he motioned to the pertinent information. "See that? Two life signs. Yours and an entirely healthy human fetus at..." Tom pushed a button, "forty-six days gestation. Almost seven weeks," he clarified unnecessarily. He wasn't even sure she'd heard what he was saying.

Her laughter abandoned her as quickly as it had overtaken her. She gasped, involuntarily grabbing his forearm. "No--"

She swallowed, then shook her head. There had to be some mistake. "No, Tom. That's not possible. Both of our inhibitors are up-to-date. It just can't- I'm not."

Normally she never argued with scientific data, but this time the biobed and Tom's tricorder had to be wrong.

"Let me check again," Tom suggested, deciding to go with her for a moment. "Maybe it was a mistake." Taking a different tricorder off the tray beside the next biobed, he made a show of scanning her slowly and thoroughly, before shaking his head. "Same result as before. Two life signs, increased blood volume, and a high level of b-HCG, which is what we expect when you're approaching eight weeks or so."

She was shaking and if he wasn't mistaken there was the start of tears in her eyes - tears that he'd never seen even a hint of in all the catastrophes that had befallen Voyager. If they weren't hormonally-induced he'd eat the tricorder. "Also, Captain," Tom paused, not wanting to push her over the edge, "there are only minimal traces of the inhibitor in your system. You're actually the second person this week to tell me she was up-to-date when she wasn't." He shrugged. "We assumed the first was a fluke. Maybe not."

She shivered, cold fingers wrapped around her entire body starting from her feet and creeping their way up. One tricorder might be wrong. The biobed could be malfunctioning, but she was grasping at straws. "Minimal," she repeated. Chakotay's might have been functioning, but without both of them up-to-date, they'd been playing the odds.

And she'd lost.

Shutting her eyes long enough to force her tears away, Kathryn swallowed again. "I didn't," she stammered. "I didn't even suspect. I haven't been nauseated or--" she couldn't even remember what else was supposed to indicate pregnancy. She had to focus. Take it one piece at a time. Bursting into tears on a biobed wouldn't be helpful to anyone. "Am I- is it- we're all right. Healthy, I mean."

Glancing around the room, Tom grabbed a warming blanket from where it had been left on the chair and activated it, wrapping it around her shoulders. "You're completely healthy," he repeated slowly, "both of you. I'm sure the Doc will have something to say about caffeine and regular meals and all that, but everything's fine. Nosebleeds are common for some women, particularly in the first trimester when the body isn't used to all the extra blood. It didn't mean anything," he promised.

Her skin was paste white but the shivering was dying down, and she seemed to be taking in at least some of what he was saying. "I'm sorry," he said, feeling anything but. "I know it's a shock." Hesitantly, Tom patted her shoulder, ending with a little squeeze. "I could call Chakotay if you'd like," he offered, "or we can just sit here a while longer." They'd become closer in the last year or so, and he understood better than he might have before what a terrible conflict this would be for her. Still, it really was the most incredible news. He bit back the smile that threatened once more, not wanting to seem insensitive to her reaction.

"I--" she stopped herself before she crossed the line. Kathryn could fight down all her emotions and go back to the bridge; she'd done it before. "I'm fine." Now she was lying, but he was sweet enough to go along. She wasn't sure who she wanted more, her mother or Chakotay, but she was too far away from the first and not ready to pull the second off the bridge.

"I really didn't think I would," she said finally. "I took every precaution. I renewed my inhibitor early. I was brutal to Chakotay if he didn't do the same." She teetered on the edge of babbling before she reigned herself in. The smile he was hiding was one of the most gentle she'd ever seen on his face. He was happy, she realised dumbly. Part of her mind supplied that Chakotay would be more ecstatic than she could fathom.

"I didn't even think this could happen," she added softly. "I didn't even consider the possibility. I don't- I can't--" When her eyes started to sting again, she froze and willed herself to focus on anything. Even the hand on her shoulder. "Thank you," she managed weakly. "Thank you, Tom." He was trying so hard not to smile, the least she could do was try not to feel like she was balanced on the edge of the universe.

I really didn't have anything to do with it," he said waggishly, trying to tease her back from the tears he could still see threatening. She'd never forgive herself, or him, if she broke down.

"I realise this wasn't planned," Tom said hesitantly, "and in your position it brings a number of problems with it, but--" he was out of line but suddenly he didn't care. "Captain, I think it's great." He grinned and slid the blanket from her shoulders, busying himself against the embarrassment that flushed up through his cheeks. "I know you have some things to consider, but, well...that's a lucky baby."

Burying her face in her hands for a moment, she listened to Tom and clung to his good cheer like a lifeline. "Great," she repeated as she lifted her head. It was probably a hell of a lot easier to think being pregnant was great if you weren't the one whose body was about to turn against her.

As much as she wanted to be angry, it didn't fit. She wasn't angry: she was terrified. Captains didn't have the luxury of being afraid in front of their crews, even when it had something to do with their personal lives. "I didn't know you had so much faith in Chakotay's parenting abilities," she quipped, reaching for the dregs of her sense of humour. Even as she teased him, she was touched. Tom's respect was not easy to earn, and it had taken a lot of faith for him to share that with her.

"Tell me I don't look as bad as I feel and we can go back to the bridge."

"Sure...ah, Captain?" Tom shook his head. "No offense, but Chakotay will take one look at you and think we had to eject the warp core and he missed it."

Walking over to the replicator on the wall he ordered orange juice." He handed it to the captain, risking another pat on the arm. "Drink this," he instructed. "It's medicinal. It'll boost your blood sugar." Responding to her raised eyebrow, he chuckled and held up a hand. "Sorry, just trying to get you used to what's coming. If you think I'm bad, imagine the Doc."

That thought sobered him. "He's going to want to talk to you; he'll see the report as soon as he comes back into sickbay." Tom shrugged. "You might have to outrun him for a bit," he said sympathetically, then winked. "But you didn't hear that from me."

"Perhaps you could schedule my inevitable follow up appointment in the morning," she asked, trying to keep her voice light. "I can't imagine anything will change in my condition over night." Kathryn wasn't quite ready to use the words Tom had. She had no idea how she was going to tell Chakotay without finally breaking down or laughing hysterically. At least she could count on him to take it better than she had.

Drinking her orange juice, she frowned at the glass. Having a strange sense of taste all of a sudden wasn't the kind of symptom she imagined. Not that she had ever spent much time imagining herself with child. She'd talked to her mother about it a few times, and she vaguely remembered when Phoebe was born. She'd always thought her mother would be in subspace range.

"It tastes funny." Now she sounded like a child. "Things have tasted off. Different. I thought it was just Neelix's food or the replicator being out of alignment."

She relaxed her forehead, smiled weakly, and finished her juice quickly. "And I have a great deal more strangeness to look forward to, don't I?"

"I think that's why nature gives you nine months," Tom suggested diplomatically. Taking the juice glass from her, he lifted a hand to help her down.

Kathryn stared at his hand. Not that there was anything wrong with it: it was a sweet, gentlemanly thing to do, but she was the captain. Usually she was separate.

Taking Tom's hand, she smiled faintly at him when the warmth of his fingers closed around hers. He was as surpised as she was. He had strong hands, like Chakotay's. She slid slowly off the bed, letting him guide her. How many more hands would she have to count on to bring up this baby safely?

He took a minute to tidy the area as the captain finished composing herself. Within seconds all obvious traces of distress were gone. It was incredible and he'd always wondered how she managed it. Maybe you had to, when you were the big boss.

He smiled and gave a quick nod. "Ready to go, Captain?"

"After you, Lieutenant."

Lost in her thoughts on the way to the bridge, she was barely aware of what they walked past on the way up. Everyone on the bridge looked up when they returned and she smiled sheepishly.

"I'm fine," she promised Harry and Chakotay behind him. "I assume your diagnostics found nothing, Mr. Tuvok."

"Indeed, Captain. The ship is operating at peak efficiency." He studied her serenely. "Mr. Paris had no trouble with your condition?"

"Nothing serious," she promised him. Her palms were starting to sweat as she looked at Chakotay. "Well, Commander, should we start crew evaluations early?" She retreated into the ready room before he had a chance to make her explain herself further. 

Tom slid back into his place at the helm with a smile to the ensign he was replacing. He made a couple of minor adjustments, then satisfied, turned to grin at Harry. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done, keeping a straight face, but there was no way he'd betray the captain's confidence, and if he didn't turn around Harry would know something was up.

He hoped she'd tell Chakotay sooner rather than later. She deserved the support and there was no way the big guy was going to be anything less than thrilled. Plus he might be able to spin it in a way that let her see it for the good news it really was. Shaking his head, Tom grinned again, keeping his head down. A baby on Voyager. That was really something.


	2. Chapter 2

Once in the ready room, Kathryn went straight to the window. She heard Chakotay follow her up and wrapped her arms over her chest. She couldn't tell him without looking at him; she had to turn around.

"I'm all right," she promised him before he could worry. "Chakotay-" she tightened her arms and wound her fingers into her uniform. Her knuckles were white. Meeting his deep brown eyes, she stiffened. "Tom just told me I'm pregnant."

The shock of it was like a bucket of cold water. It was the last thing he'd expected; it was farther down the list than the last thing, and for a moment his mind went blank. Only when he realised he was staring at her did he rally to a response.

"Pregnant," Chakotay tested the word carefully on his tongue. "You had a nosebleed," he said, looking for the connection. "How did that--" Shaking the fog out of his head he ran his hand through his hair and looked at her in amazement. "Pregnant?"

"My inhibitor failed," she said with more venom than she intended. Life in the Delta Quadrant was difficult enough without rational things she should be able to count on failing her. "Some microbe or fungus or spatial wave formation or gremlin with a magic wand." Her fingers were so tightly wrapped into the fabric of her uniform they were starting to cramp.

Kathryn sank down to the sofa and clasped her hands in front of her. "My blood volume was too high. Tom said it's nothing to worry about." She looked up at him, watching his astonishment with a trace of envy. "It's a hard word to say, isn't it?"

"It doesn't roll off the tongue," he acknowledged weakly. Her clenched hands and pale face drew him to sit with her, even as he fought the pounding of his own heart.

Reaching out, he stroked gently over her icy fingers. "You and the..." Chakotay cleared his throat, "the baby--" He felt the smile coming even before it broke across his face, and the emotion in his throat slid up to moisten his eyes. He ducked his head for a moment, not sure she was ready for happiness, but he knew she'd seen it. "You and the...baby are okay?"

"Perfectly," she answered quickly. Her response was too curt and she made herself relax. "I-" she couldn't bring herself to say we, "-I'm fine. I have an hour before the Doctor comes up here himself to scan me, I'm sure, but I--"

The baby. She hadn't even called it a baby and he'd already said it, twice. Kathryn wanted to hate him or crawl into her mother's arms and cry. Since neither was an option, she licked her lips and nodded. "Tom said it's healthy. Seven weeks. Everything's fine."

"Are you?" she wondered, reaching for his chin. "You're okay with this?"

Seeing the fear in her eyes, Chakotay wondered how much of it was about his reaction and how much was simply the fact that she was overwhelmed. His chest tightened with love; reaching out to him in vulnerability was something that had taken her a long time, but it was regular and dependable now. They were a strong unit, more than strong enough to support another life.

"I know you're upset, Kathryn," he said gently. "It's an enormous shock. But I'm okay with it." He turned his face into her hand to kiss the palm. "I'm more than okay."

At least he was something she could count on. When he kissed her hand, she dropped her head to his shoulder and closed her eyes. "I don't think I've ever had a shock like that," she admitted. "Poor Tom. I honestly thought he was playing some kind of a trick on me. He must have had to tell me four times."

Kathryn stared down at her knees; she had to find a way to make sure he knew she didn't resent this baby. Even if she could barely think about it, it wasn't the baby that scared her. She was afraid of the universe and everything outside the fragile shell of the ship. What kind of life were they bringing this little helpless person into?

"Chakotay, if I, I mean...I'm not unhappy. I don't want you to think that I don't--"

He took her in his arms. It wasn't something he would normally do in her ready room, but this was not a normal day.

"I don't think anything," Chakotay promised, rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head. "I know it's - it's incredible." Disbelief tugged at him again, and he pulled back a little to look down at her. "I had no idea," he admitted. "I never guessed. I knew you were more tired than usual, but--" Shivers of delight crawled their way up from his stomach and he pulled her tightly against him. Just that morning he'd been thinking that he couldn't be happier.

Kathryn remained stiff only a moment or two after he held her close. It was difficult not be swept a little away with his joy. When her hands let go of each other, one rested on his chest where his heart beat slowly beneath her palm.

"You had no idea," she repeated sardonically. "I thought of three different spatial anomalies that could cause nosebleeds while in the turbolift down to sickbay. Pregnancy-" the word caught in her throat and she had to clear it to keep speaking. Her eyes stung, and the tightness in back of her throat suggested she'd have to be careful to keep from crying. "That was unexpected," she finished weakly. "I keep wishing I could tell my mother. Chakotay, she'd be nearly as happy as you are."

He brushed her cheek with warm fingers. "Your mother," he nodded sadly. Chakotay had heard enough about Gretchen Janeway to know she was her daughter's staunchest supporter.

"It'll be a different experience than it would have been in the Alpha Quadrant," he acknowledged, dropping a kiss to her temple, "but we'll work it out. Think how happy she'll be when we get home and you have a grandchild to present to her," he finished teasingly. Home for him was Voyager, but Kathryn's loneliness for her family was the one thing Chakotay could never ease.

"Did you really make Paris tell you four times?" he asked, deliberately changing the subject.

"Starfleet command might try to transfer me off Voyager, if we were back in the Alpha Quadrant," she realised with a sigh. "Offer me a bigger ship that sees less combat or a desk job at Starfleet Headquarters." Kathryn sat up, frowning at the thought. "Can you imagine how much paperwork it takes to run a Galaxy-class ship? I'd need two of you just to make it through the day."

Shrugging that thought away, she smiled at him sheepishly as she thought about Tom. "I think I stared at him, then laughed, then nearly went into hysterics. He has a far better bedside manner than he'd ever admit. I don't know if I should be thanking him or apologising that he had to be the one to tell me."

Pleased to see even the smallest of smiles, Chakotay grinned back. "That must have been quite the scene in sickbay. I'm sure he didn't take it personally." Paris had come a long way and he and Kathryn were friends, of a sort. "I'd imagine he was happy for us?"

"He really was," Kathryn agreed, shaking her head in surprise. "I think he was happier than he was willing to let me see, considering how surprised I was." Sliding her hand down his chest to take his, she stared down at their fingers thoughtfully. "So are you, aren't you?"

He'd tried, he really had, to keep his own feelings from spilling over and overwhelming her, but Kathryn knew him so well and if she was asking, she was ready to hear it.

"I am happy," he confessed needlessly, beaming at her. The joy he'd been containing moved through him, filling every part of him with light and warmth until even his fingertips tingled with it. It made him breathless and he laughed a little, knowing it was crazy. There were so many things to consider, but he didn't care one bit.

Sliding down onto the floor in front of her, Chakotay knelt between her thighs so they were face to face, comfortably in each other's space. His cheeks ached with the pull of his smile. Cupping her face gently in both hands, he kissed her softly, a slow, lingering kiss infused with all the tenderness that was in his heart.

"Kathryn, I love you more than anything in the world," he told her when they'd broken apart. "This is the best thing that could have happened to us."

Resting her hands on her shoulders, Kathryn closed her eyes tightly. Being in love with him had changed so many ways she perceived the universe. Maybe this was just one more. Her forehead hurt from the effort she'd been putting into not crying, but once he'd kissed her, she couldn't hold out. "Even if I panic or don't know what to do or overwork myself or lie and tell you I'm fine when I'm horribly nauseated."

The first tear left on a hot trail down her cheek, but the ones that followed blended together. "I'll probably try not to tell you I'm panicked," she corrected herself, "but you'll know, won't you?"

Chakotay chuckled and swiped at her wet cheeks with the pads of his fingers. "I'll know," he promised. "You're not alone; not in this, not in anything," he reminded her. "You'll have me, every step of the way, and unless I miss my guess, you'll have one very happy crew as well." He couldn't imagine telling them their beloved captain was pregnant. Neelix alone would go through the roof. And B'Elanna. They were incredibly fortunate to have such a tight-knit group of friends and colleagues.

She caught his hand, kissing the backs of his fingers and shaking her head again. "How can I ask that of them? I should be protecting them, finding a way to get them home. How am I going to be a mother to this-" she choked on the word, "-this baby when there's the Kazon and species 8472 and red alerts and the Borg! Who's going to pick her up when we're needed on the bridge and she's crying? What if I can't--"

"Hey, hey," he cut her off gently but deliberately, cupping the back of her neck and resting his hand there. "Look at me." Chakotay smiled at her warmly. "I know it's a lot, but we're not going to figure it all out right now. Voyager's a family, Kathryn. How many times have you told me that over the years?" He dug his fingers in lightly to the base of her skull, feeling the tension there and filing the knowledge away for later.

"In the traditions of my people, the entire village takes a role in raising the children. Sort of like the way we all look out for Naomi. You did a lot of babysitting when she first arrived if I remember correctly." 

"This is different, Chakotay," she protested. Halfway through the words she knew she was being irrational but for some reason she couldn't fight it. "It's our village. We can't--"

"Doctor to Captain Janeway." His brusque voice interrupted her before she could keep protesting.

Kathryn dropped her head to his shoulder, sighing heavily. "Think B'Elanna could be convinced to run a diagnostic or two on the Doctor before he tries to ground me in sickbay?"

"Captain, please respond immediately."

Chakotay laughed, and rubbed her back. "We won't let him ground you," he promised. "You're still the captain. Being pregnant," the word still made him smile, "doesn't change that and it won't. We won't let it."

She kissed his cheek, profoundly grateful that he was the one she was sharing this with. "I'm holding you to that," she whispered before she sat up and dried her face roughly on the back of her sleeve.

"Yes, Doctor, what can I--"

"I can't believe you didn't contact me," the Doctor snapped before she even had the chance to finish. "I understand pregnancy is a simple medical condition to diagnose, but Mr. Paris let you return to your shift without talking to you about proper nutrition or your sleeping habits. I don't even know where to begin with your caffeine addiction. We have to discuss your condition."

"Doctor," she tried to dreg up one of her more commanding tones but she couldn't do it. "My condition is not going to change between today and tomorrow."

"Captain," some of his frustration faded and the Doctor's tone became more gentle. "I would be remiss if I did not examine you and run a full genetic profile on the foetus. I don't mean to cause you any concern, but you lead a dangerous life. You've been exposed to countless forms of radiation--"

Kathryn didn't even realise she had a grip on Chakotay's hand until she was squeezing it too tightly and looking to him for help.

Recognising the plea, Chakotay did something he never would have considered an hour ago. "Doctor, stand by please," he interrupted, and motioned for Kathryn to close the line.

"And so it begins," he said lightly. "I vote we make him wait until tomorrow morning, but I want to know if you think it would help to get it over now?" Her fingernails dug into his flesh and he couldn't help but be irritated by the Doctor's interruption. Kathryn was just starting to relax and talk about the things that were upsetting her. Not to mention they still had the rest of a bridge shift to get through.

He brushed a few wisps of hair out of her eyes. "Tell me what you want," he said softly. "That's all that matters right now."

"He's just being thorough," she reminded herself aloud. Kathryn let go of his arm and paced away from him before circling back. "I don't know if I can handle that and the bridge today." She put one hand on her hip and looked at him helplessly. "This could so easily get out of control. Everyone's going to have something to say."

She nodded to him and halted next to him. "Doctor, Commander Chakotay and I will come down for a full appointment tomorrow morning at 0700."

"Captain, I must protest."

She rolled her eyes. "I'll take it under advisement, Doctor. I have every faith in Mr. Paris' ability to perform a pregnancy test. I'm told it's a very simple procedure."

Chakotay smothered a chuckle as the Doctor continued to sputter his displeasure. The spark was back in Kathryn's eye but she was clearly close to exhaustion. He listened to the litany of reasons the captain had to be present in sickbay at this very moment for a few seconds more before cutting it off himself. Being first officer had its benefits.

"Doctor, I believe you've been given the captain's response. We'll see you at 0700."

Standing, he moved to Kathryn and put his hands on her hips. "See?" he teased. "That was easy." The EMH was annoying, there was no doubt, but Chakotay had to concede that her prenatal care would be second to none and for that he was grateful. "One decision at a time, that's how we're going to get through it all."

"Easy," she echoed, resting her hands on his chest. Drumming her fingers lightly, she smiled up at him. "Thank you." Kissing his chin, she rose to her tiptoes and brought her arms to his shoulders. "Now we just have one hundred-forty more people to tell, several thousand light-years of space to cover, and nine months to wait."

She kissed him again, surrendering to an intimacy she usually wouldn't allow in the ready room. "What do you think, Chakotay. Who do you want to startle more, B'Elanna or Tuvok?"

Telling people was going to be an enormous amount of fun. He tightened his hold on her, drawing her closer, and wished for once they could forget about bridge duty and go back to their quarters to celebrate alone.

"We might want to start with B'Elanna," Chakotay said thoughtfully. "Not that I think Paris would break your confidence, but she doesn't miss a thing, and if he's as happy as you say..." He shook his head. "Let's just say I'd rather face the Cardassians' questioning methods than B'Elanna's."

"Wouldn't want Tom to have to sleep on the sofa now would we?" she teased, allowing herself one more moment in his arms before she went back to the bridge. Kathryn paused in front of the door out of her ready room and halted him as well.

"I don't really know how to share this," she said shyly. "Is there a method? Something we're supposed to do or can we just call her into a cargo bay and tell her?"

Chakotay grinned at the excitement sparkling in Kathryn's eyes. "I think there are any number of ways. We could invite them over for a drink. You could ambush her in a Jefferies tube. I could trick her into scanning you with a tricorder and wait for her reaction."

He was teasing, but looking into the face of the woman who was now officially going to be the mother of his child made his throat tighten for a moment and stroking her cheek slowly one last time, he waited for it to pass. "Or you could just start calling her auntie and see how long it takes her to figure it out," he finished with a smile. "It's whatever you want, Kathryn."

She tilted her head towards him, trying to picture the shock she'd just dealt with on B'Elanna's face. She hadn't thought of using her pregnancy to startle anyone.

"Isn't that cruel?" she asked with mock seriousness. "Taunting our friends with our baby? Won't we torture them enough when we need them to babysit at all hours of the night?" 

Our baby. He liked the sound of that.

Chakotay shrugged. "You might be right, but if you can't have fun with a surprise pregnancy, when can you?" he teased, leaning over to kiss and nuzzle her cheek. Kathryn's scent surrounded him for a moment and he hated having to draw away.

Straightening up, he sighed and pulled himself back to command mode. "We'll have to let them know before long," he said more seriously, thinking also of Tuvok. "But I admit, it'd be nice to have it to ourselves for at least a little while."

Chakotay had a point and she stroked his cheek wistfully. "I have faith that Tom and the Doctor can both keep a secret...but it's only going to be a matter of time before everyone on the ship is talking about our little surprise." Kathryn glanced down at her stomach and tried to imagine the changes her body would go through: all of it seemed surreal. When she looked back up at him, she was utterly lost again. "If you- if we- want to tell B'Elanna, or Tuvok, or anyone else before the ship's gossip does, maybe we need to think about it. It's a very small ship."

"You're right," he acknowledged, nodding. It was difficult to live their life so openly, but he'd known going in that this was how it would be and he didn't begrudge it. Not much.

"One night," he proposed suddenly. "For one night we keep it to ourselves. Then tomorrow, we see the Doctor, and we tell B'Elanna and Tuvok and anyone else we need to tell. If B'Elanna has it wheedled out of Paris by then, so be it."

Chakotay kissed the fingers that had been stroking his face. "I don't want to share you tonight," he admitted, a little hesitant. "Is that all right?" He wasn't sure if it was fair to ask her.

"After Godzilla, I'm all yours," she promised. Failing to make an appearance at movie night was unacceptable. "But, you're going to have to share me a great deal, Chakotay," she replied, trying to imagine adding a baby to the careful balance that was their relationship and Voyager. Sometimes she wished she could give him more of herself; he understood. He was so incredibly patient.

Kathryn nodded, sharing a little of his concern. If she didn't have the watch, she'd steal him away and hide on Lake George, talking about the baby until the sun set over them. "I don't want either of them to hear it from someone else. They're our friends and it should come from us, if the whole ship doesn't know already. You and I in sickbay first thing in the morning might start a few rumours and I don't know how much I can trust myself not to give it away."

She put her hand on her hip and lowered her voice, even though it was just the two of them. "I think I'm doing something...some of the crew keep smiling."

"We can tell them right after we're finished in sickbay," Chakotay promised, leaning in to kiss her softly. "Thank you."

He debated mentioning her more attentive nature, suspecting with what he knew now that he hadn't been the only recipient, but decided there wasn't much point. The crew had already seen the change and Kathryn trying not to be attentive would likely be more awkward than anything.

There was one other thing to address. "I do get frustrated sometimes," Chakotay acknowledged, "but there's one person I can't wait to share you with." He brushed the backs of his fingers gently across her abdomen. "That will never be a problem."

"If we ever get finished in sickbay tomorrow," she sighed, rolling her head across her shoulders. She appreciated the Doctor's attention to detail and his incredible dedication; sometimes it was just more fussing than she could take.

She nearly shivered when he touched her stomach. Kathryn neither looked nor felt different, but the idea that something- someone- was living inside her was surreal. She glanced down again, praying to whoever was listening that they'd find a way to give this baby a good life. "You might be in a hurry, Chakotay, I think I'm going to need every moment of the time we have left." She let herself stare deep into his eyes just long enough to be comforted by his affection.

She reached for the door controls and stopped one last time. "I'm terrible when I'm sick."

"Kathryn Janeway, terrible when she's sick. You think this is news to me? he teased. "Who took care of you when you had the Crellian flu?"

A hint of dismay had reappeared in her widened eyes and he couldn't resist the opportunity to hold her for just another moment before they went back to work. Pulling her to him, Chakotay wrapped her tightly in his arms. Not for the first time, he wished he could ease her fears, but she would work it out. Of that he had no doubt.

Kathryn winced a little at the mention of that damn flu virus. Yes, the Doctor had found an anti-viral treatment, and there had been no epidemic. Out of the away team exposed, Tuvok, Neelix, B'Elanna and herself, she was the only one who's immune system had been overwhelmed like a shuttle in a class-two ion storm. The only thing that had kept her from climbing the walls of her quarters during her quarantine was him, and he knew it. 

"Harmless childhood virus my ass," she quipped before settling into his embrace. Even as she made things difficult, he'd be there, balancing her out by making them simple again. "What do you do with someone who knows all your faults and loves you anyway?"

"You love them back," Chakotay said immediately. "And you make them mushroom soup."

Grinning, he squeezed her quickly then let go. He studied Kathryn's face a moment, and satisfied that she was all right, at least for the time being, he moved them gently to the door again. "Ready?"

"Not in the slightest," she sighed, smiling weakly, "but I won't let that stop me."

 

She'd never given turbolifts even credit for the refuge they provided. Kathryn sighed, rubbing her neck did nothing for the phantom pain the Doctor's blood tests and injections had left behind. It didn't really hurt, but she had to acknowledge it. Being scanned, poked, scrutinised and lectured had done nothing to make her condition become more real. Instead of being vague and frightening like yesterday, the second day she'd been aware of being pregnant was simply frustrating.

"It's entirely unfair that I'm expected to be in better health than I was before now that I can expect to be tired, dizzy, nauseated, irritable, sore and overly emotional," she complained, giving Chakotay a helpless look instead of a frustrated one. "Was I really that bad three days ago?"

Ducking his head did nothing to hide the grin, but it was a reflex from the time before they were together that he'd never managed to shake.

"You did well dealing with the Doctor," Chakotay said diplomatically, sliding an arm around her shoulder. Tension still radiated from her body. Taking care of herself had never been her strongest point and the Doctor's lack of tact was frustrating. Butting heads with Kathryn was never successful. 

"We'll incorporate the changes you need to make as smoothly as we can," he promised. To say he wasn't looking forward to her decrease in caffeine was an understatement, but it would be much harder on her than on him, he reminded himself.

"Everyone on the ship is going to think I've gone crazy when I give up coffee," she said, still stiff, but comforted by his arm on her shoulders. "I'm going to go crazy. I can't remember going without. I've been with coffee longer than I've been with you."

Slipping out of his arm, she kissed his cheek. "Thank goodness I get to keep one of you."

"Thank goodness the choice was made for you," he quipped. "I'd hate to think of where I would've finished if you'd been forced to pick either coffee or me."

Stifling a yawn, he attempted to force his attention to the task at hand. Long after they'd climbed into bed and Kathryn had fallen into an exhausted sleep on his chest, Chakotay had lain awake thinking about the joyous and unexpected turn their life had taken.


	3. Chapter 3

"How do you feel about talking to B'Elanna?" he asked her curiously. They hadn't had much time to discuss it in the rush to make it to sickbay by 0700. "Do you want to tell her or should I?"

"We can make a side trip to engineering," she agreed with a hint of relief. B'Elanna would be a good deal more pleasant to talk to than the Doctor. Kathryn could count on the half-Klingon not to fuss, at least she hoped so. "It seems I'm not allowed to stop for coffee." Brightening up a bit, she redirected the turbolift down. "I'd like B'Elanna to know. I don't think she'd forgive either of us if she found out from Neelix or Ensign Hickman. Would you like to be the one to tell her? I can't think of anything clever."

"I would like to tell her, I think, if you don't mind." He was oddly pleased that she'd offered. B'Elanna was the closest thing he had to family on the ship, other than Kathryn.

He guided Kathryn out of the turbolift when it stopped in engineering with a hand on her lower back. The subtlety of that was fine and not unusual, but Chakotay was finding it difficult to remember not to touch her more familiarly in public, something that hadn't been a problem since the earliest days of their relationship. It was a little foolish and not particularly professional, but somehow he couldn't find it within himself to care. The warm, light feeling that had filled his chest since the day before made it impossible to see the negative in anything.

"The captain and the commander are here, Lieutenant," Crewman Villa whispered as she walked by towards the ladder on her way down.

"This early?" B'Elanna sighed and reached for her coffee. If they were both here, it wasn't one of Janeway's strolls around the ship or Chakotay dropping by: they would want something.

"Should I tell them you left, Sir?" Ensign Baxter teased, following Villa towards the ladder and leaving her alone in the top level. "Haven't seen her," he mocked, "she must have left hours ago."

"Very funny, Ensign," she said, rolling her eyes. "Just send them up, politely."

"Yes, sir," Baxter quipped before he vanished.

"Great," she muttered to the open EPS regulator panel. "Just great."

"Are you sure that's the way you want to greet your commanding officers, Lieutenant?" Chakotay teased her as he stepped off the ladder. He'd caught the tail end of her muttering, something about the irrationality of early and unexpected demands, not that he was surprised. She was about as much of a morning person as Kathryn.

Glancing around, he was pleased to note that they were alone. That made things easier, although captain and commander in engineering at...he glanced at the chronometer on the panel B'Elanna was examining...0813 wasn't exactly inconspicuous.

"Depends on when my commanding officers turn up in my engine room, sir," she teased him as she extracted herself from the panel. "Anything after lunch and I'm all smiles, Commander." Smiling slightly more politely at the captain, she brushed her hands on her uniform. "Good morning, Captain."

"Good morning, B'Elanna," Kathryn said, her eyes lingering on B'Elanna's coffee cup. Unlike her tea at breakfast, which had just smelt strange even though she was familiar with the blend, the forbidden coffee smelt wonderful.

What had looked a surprise inspection definitely was not. Chakotay seemed to be fighting with himself not to smile and the captain was surprisingly quiet.

"There's more coffee, Captain," B'Elanna offered, pointing at the thermos. "Neelix keeps us stocked and we keep his kitchen from burning out deck two."

"Thank you," Kathryn took a step before she stopped herself and glanced at the deck. When she looked up, it was with a weak smile. "Maybe another time."

"We have plenty," B'Elanna assured her. "No need to be shy."

"Steady," Chakotay grinned at Kathryn, whose longing radiated off her in waves, and received a minor glare of frustration in return. B'Elanna looked back and forth between the two of them, puzzled.

"We have somewhat surprising news," he started. "You'd be informed in due course as a senior officer, but as my best friend, we want you to hear it from us." He paused for a moment, wondering if Paris had slipped, but B'Elanna's expression was politely curious. She had no idea.

"The captain's pregnant," he said softly. He'd never spoken the words to another person and he was surprised by the loving pride that radiated from the centre of his chest.

"Oh," B'Elanna acknowledged the statement without connecting it in her mind. The captain was pregnant. She took a sip of her coffee, staring at both of them as she abruptly made the connection in the back of her mind that the captain was the woman standing in front of her and that Chakotay must be the father.

She spat her coffee back into the cup then set it down hard on the edge of the console. "Pregnant," she repeated, testing out the word. She beamed at Chakotay, that sudden smile so wide it reached her ears. She couldn't think of many things that would make him happier in all the universe.

Everything softened when she looked at the captain, who had her arms by her sides. That shyness was entirely not captain-like and she had to do something.

So she hugged her. B'Elanna reached one hand towards Chakotay and squeezed his arm while clinging to the captain with the other. "Are you okay?"

Kathryn had to shuffle her feet to keep her balance as B'Elanna grabbed her. She hadn't been expecting it at all, but somehow it was easier than talking. "I'm fine," she whispered. "I'm happy."

In imagining what her response might be, this spontaneous expression of affection had never crossed his mind and Chakotay's eyes stung watching it. B'Elanna was a warm, good-hearted person, but she was not by any stretch of the imagination a hugger. Or she hadn't been, but the past year had changed a lot of things and her relationship with Kathryn had allowed them both to grow. Watching Kathryn's startled eyes grow soft and moist was a revelation. B'Elanna was no longer just his friend, she was a genuine member of their family, and the realization made his throat ache.

Holding the fingers that were gripping his arm as if he was afraid they'd disappear, Chakotay cleared his throat and brushed a hand surreptitiously across his eyes. Then he laughed. He'd been choked up more in the past twenty-four hours than he had in the last six months, and it didn't show signs of improving anytime soon.

Kathryn sniffed, eyes stinging as her throat tightened up. She took advantage of B'Elanna's shoulder and hid her face in it for a moment before the younger woman released her.

"Sorry," B'Elanna started to apologise.

"No, no," Kathryn waved her quiet, swaying a little. She couldn't decide if she was light-headed or if it was simply being overwhelmed by everything. "Thank you."

"And you," B'Elanna turned to Chakotay, playfully tapping him on the arm. "I assume this was all your idea?"

"I was an enthusiastic participant," he grinned in reply, catching the hand that swatted at him and squeezing it quickly. "But the final outcome was...unexpected." Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kathryn shift her balance. Her forehead was creased and he took a step closer to her, bringing his body into contact with hers.

"Unexpected but entirely welcome." His smile made his cheeks ache but he couldn't have stopped it with a phaser at his head.

"Says the man who can still have coffee," Kathryn muttered and reached for his shoulder to steady herself. Had she felt like this before and written it off? Was she more aware of it now that she knew she was pregnant?

"Surely you don't have to completely give it up, do you?" B'Elanna asked, curious. She didn't know much about being pregnant. The idea of having children was still far in the future of her own life. She shouldn't pry, but she hadn't had a friend be pregnant before. "Do you feel different? Tired?"

She turned back to Chakotay, smirking at little at his interpretation of his involvement in the conception of their baby. "Is it a boy or a girl? You're not going to find out, are you?"

Kathryn tried to put all five of the questions in order and finally just smiled. "We're not going to find out," she answered firmly for both of them. "This began as a surprise, it should finish with one. Don't you agree, Chakotay?"

Sliding a hand around to brace lightly against her lower back, Chakotay nodded. He was more than a little curious but half the fun was in the speculation.

"I wouldn't want to know ahead of time," he answered with a smile. Not to mention that he'd seen a baby in a vision quest within the last few weeks. When he'd tried to find out more about the child it had been shielded from his line of sight by his animal guide. At the time it had meant nothing to him; now he considered that perhaps it was just as well to take things as they came.

"Okay," B'Elanna said, smiling at them both. "Wow, okay, I guess that'll give us all something to look forward to." If Tom knew, and she suspected that was why he'd been in such a good mood last night, it would be a betting pool of epic proportions.

She leaned against the console, crossing her arms over her chest. "Can I ask what it's like?"

Kathryn smiled back, glancing at Chakotay before she looked back at B'Elanna. "So far it's not much of anything." The younger woman almost looked disappointed and Kathryn realised it was more than curiosity. There was a void in B'Elanna's heart and a hunger behind it.

She sighed, releasing Chakotay's shoulder and sinking down to sit on the edge of the steps. She rested her hands on her knees and looked up at B'Elanna. "Everything tastes funny," she explained as B'Elanna drew closer. "Breakfast, tea, even coffee, when I'm rebellious and drink it."

"Does it make you sick?"

"Not yet," Kathryn answered with a little victorious smirk. "My mother once told me her trick was to eat before she got out of bed, that way she had something in her stomach before she became nauseated."

Chakotay stood by, amused by the conversation. He hoped Kathryn would be spared the worst of the potential symptoms. Growing up in his village, they had lived in close quarters and with a large pool of cousins and friends he'd gleaned a fair amount of information about pregnancy. He had doubts about the fullness of her stomach staving off nausea, but with a bit of luck it wouldn't be much of an issue for her either way.

At least he hoped so. Kathryn was tiny enough without losing any more weight. He shook off the thought almost as soon as it occurred to him. The Doctor would take care of her regardless.

"What are you going to do if it doesn't work?" B'Elanna wondered. There was a washroom on deck one, but she couldn't imagine having to leave the bridge to throw up. "I hate throwing up," she offered sympathetically. "I have a Klingon stomach, so it's only happened to me once."

"Lucky," Kathryn said, smiling up at Chakotay and hoping nausea wasn't lying in wait for her in the next few weeks. "I don't know what's going to happen. The Doctor gave me a dizzying list of possible symptoms, including being dizzy."

B'Elanna hovered next to her for a while, but as they kept talking she sat down on the step next to the captain, work forgotten. She could imagine the Doctor rattling off a list that would cross her eyes. "Of course."

"The only thing I can think of right this second is that my breasts hurt, like I was attempting one of those famous Klingon callisthenic programs and someone hit me in the chest with the flat side of a bat'leth." Kathryn finished with the hint of a giggle. "And I think they've already started to get bigger, but apparently not too much because no one else-" she glanced up wickedly at Chakotay, "-has noticed."

He grinned good-naturedly at the first recognition he'd been afforded in the better part of ten minutes. He intended to do a thorough inventory of the changes in her body just as soon as she felt rested enough to permit it.

In the meantime, watching Kathryn talk to B'Elanna with complete ease and comfort about such an intimate topic was something close to miraculous. It made Chakotay think of his sister, and hers, and for a moment the grief at being separated from their families seized his heart like an iron fist. B'Elanna reached out to touch Kathryn on the hand as she made a point about something, and just like that, the pain loosened its hold and he could breathe again.

"I just hope nothing changes too fast," Kathryn sighed and rested her chin on her hand. "I can't afford to keep replicating new uniforms. I'll have to start beating my own crew regularly at pool just for the replicator rations."

B'Elanna chuckled, imaging the bruising Tom's ego would take if the captain had a reason to keep winning. "Maybe you could take up a collection. I think a lot of people would donate just to keep you away from the pool table."

Laughing, however gently, had an incredible way of making everything seem so much less unruly and demanding. Kathryn knew she had Chakotay to depend on and she was starting to realise how much she'd be able to count on the rest of her little family. B'Elanna was fascinated, Tom had been so nurturing, and Tuvok would undoubtedly be available for all sorts of parenting questions. Other than her mother and Starfleet Command, she had more support here than she'd ever had before, personal or professional. Maybe there was a method to the madness, and just maybe there were as many good reasons to be pregnant as bad.

Listening to their banter had a lulling effect that relaxed his mind. The image of Kathryn sharking crew members out of their replicator rations right into her ninth month sent a pleasant warmth down the back of his neck and he laughed with B'Elanna. He wouldn't put it past her.

Chakotay wondered vaguely how her body would hold their child as it grew. He'd known tiny women who had carried tiny babies, so that the pregnancy barely showed. On the other hand, if the child was larger, she might lose a lot in terms of balance and coordination. The image of her swollen with their baby filled him with more joy than he deserved, but he would take it.

"I'd imagine the time will go more quickly than we assume," he said thoughtfully when there was a pause in their conversation. "We'll have to start considering names."

"What requires a name, Commander?" Seven interrupted from the top of the ladder down to the first level of engineering. "Are you discussing the name of the new shuttlecraft? I thought the captain had decided on T'Morsa, after the Vulcan explorer."

"I did," Kathryn said, trying not to look guilty. She wound her hands together, she shook her head quickly towards B'Elanna. She'd have to tell Seven later, when she knew how to explain how she felt about being pregnant to the ex-Borg.

"That's right," B'Elanna agreed, jumping to her feet. She headed back towards her console, ready to get back to work.

Following suit, Kathryn immediately regretted standing up so quickly. To her surprise, her body, which normally put up with a great deal of abuse with very little complaint, rebelled. Golden points of light crept into the edges of her vision and danced like wicked imps. After a moment or two, it improved but the lag was frustrating.

Fortunately, Seven was still fairly oblivious to the subtleties of human communication, and she accepted the response without comment. Chakotay groaned a little inwardly thinking of the questions she would have for Kathryn when she learned about the pregnancy. That would be an interesting conversation, and one he intended to avoid himself if at all possible.

A sudden, small gasp from Kathryn turned his attention back to her, and the paleness of her cheeks had him beside her in a flash. Lightheadedness was something the Doctor had predicted, at least for the next while. No one else had noticed and he positioned himself so she could lean against him if she wanted. "All right?" he asked under his breath.

"Stood up too fast," Kathryn answered, lightly touching his arm to thank him for his attentiveness. "I'm fine. Just had spots for a second."

B'Elanna shot her a sympathetic look from the floor and Kathryn was touched by it. The idea that she'd be sharing her experience with more than just Chakotay was new to her, but welcome. It made being pregnant a little less unsettling and she was deeply grateful.

"Your circulatory system would be more efficient if you had a Borg vascular-pressure regulator implanted into your cardiac musculature," Seven said as she passed them to study several of the consoles.

"Should I ask the Doctor to invent one?" Kathryn asked dryly. She still couldn't tell Seven's fledgling attempts at humour from her unique manner of speech.

"I doubt it is within his ability," Seven replied, then paused. She tilted her head thoughtfully. "Though I believe he would find that appraisal offensive."

"No doubt," Chakotay said wryly, smiling at Kathryn. A little colour had reappeared in her cheeks but her expression was bleak and there were purple smudges under her eyes.

Resting his fingers gently on her back, he could feel the slightest hint of trembling. Time to go.

Ensign Michaels approached B'Elanna with a padd in hand, and Chakotay took advantage of the natural break. "Thanks for your input, Lieutenant," he winked at her before guiding Kathryn toward the ladder. Something occurred to him as he started to climb down. "Lieutenant Paris is also aware of the situation." What the hell. They might as well know they were free to talk about it; no doubt they'd want to and there was no harm in it.

"Oh really?" B'Elanna said, her dark eyes twinkling. "He's much better at keeping secrets than I would have thought. I need to start giving him a little more credit. It does explain his mood." 

Kathryn met Chakotay's gaze long enough to smile. He was so aware of her; it was completely endearing. 

Bidding farewell to Seven and B'Elanna, Kathryn and Chakotay passed without much notice through engineering. When the great double doors closed behind them, she leaned close to him, smiling warmly. "I honestly didn't think of how hard it might be for poor Tom to keep it to himself. He was so kind to me yesterday, Chakotay. And B'Elanna." She grabbed his hand instinctually and held it until two crewmen passed them and hid their smiles. 

When they were back in the turbolift up to the bridge, her enthusiasm increased. "It didn't even occur to me that she'd be curious. I wish I had more to tell her than I have no idea what's happening to me."

"I think you'll have quite a few questions to answer, if you're open to them," Chakotay replied, smiling at her. Kathryn's eyes were sparkling with a look he recognized and loved. Her own interest in the biological changes happening inside her had caught fire. He was fascinated himself to think of the tiny bundle of cells that they had created, embedded safely within her and already starting to wreak havoc with her body's systems.

"Kathryn," he looked at her curiously. "When do you think it happened? I've been thinking back over the past few weeks. It would be around the time you were trying to retrieve our stolen technology and ended up on the planet with da Vinci..."

She squeezed his shoulder, standing on her tiptoes and smiling coyly at him. "You know what they say about strange places and changes in routine." Kathryn brushed her lips across his cheek. 

"Do you think it felt different?" she wondered, still in his arms. "I suppose, nothing happened right then, but I don't remember suddenly feeling different. It's more like this has been sneaking up on me a little bit at a time."

Chakotay nodded. "I can see a few changes with hindsight, but nothing I noticed at the time," he agreed.

"You woke me up, the night before Voyager was raided," he said, stroking the back of her neck. They'd made love in the dark, in the middle of the night, slow and intense. He doubted she remembered, but he did because the images had teased their way through his mind the next day when he was worried about her being undercover.

On the other hand, a few days later they'd been irritable, snapping at each other in fatigue and frustration as they worked to complete the reintegration of the stolen technology. At the end of the day he'd taken her hard up against the bulkhead. When it was over they'd collapsed to the floor laughing, in sweaty tangle of arms and legs.

He smiled and shrugged at Kathryn a little sheepishly, pulling himself out of his reverie and back to her amused face. "I guess it's impossible to know. It's just incredible that something so significant could happen without our realising."

"We could have been in the dark a good deal longer," she added. "Computer, halt." Kathryn wanted to finish the conversation before the turbolift dumped them both on the bridge and back to their work. "Being a little tired is hardly something I'd go to sickbay for, and not even you would think it was worth arguing over."

She released his neck and followed the turbolift in a slow semicircle. "We could have gone a few more weeks, never knowing or suspecting until something major enough cropped up. Maybe all of the potential symptoms are part of the process, letting us know how different our lives are going to be."

It was true, there were going to be some enormous changes.

"Who'd have thought a nosebleed would turn out to be so lucky?" Chakotay teased gently. She was thinking, working something out in her mind - the pacing was a sure sign - and he watched with interest.

"I'm glad we know," he continued more seriously. "You don't exactly have a desk job. It's not fair, but there will be times..." Chakotay let the thought trail off, not certain how far ahead Kathryn had looked.

"When I can't...?" she left the question unfinished but she had an idea where he was going with it. Kathryn hated the idea and the implied weakness that went along with it. "It's a great deal to think about." She put one hand on her hip and kept pacing in the tiny space. "Are you going to ban me from away missions? Keep me off the bridge?"

She didn't think he'd fight her authority, but the uncertainty frustrated her. "I'm not talking about taking-" she stopped short when she realised what she was about to say. Her voice was considerably softer when she continued, "taking our baby into dangerous situations. I wouldn't, Chakotay, you have to believe that. I can't stop doing my job. I have so many responsibilities to this crew."

"Kathryn," he was stunned. "Am I going to ban you?" A rush of anger flooded his gut and unconsciously he moved a little away from her. "I've never tried to control your actions and I don't intend to start now."

Dropping her hands from her hips, she stared at him in confusion. "Oh I didn't mean-" she shut her eyes and sighed. "I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't." Maybe they'd argue a little more than usual but they'd work it out, wouldn't they?

Kathryn rubbed the back of her neck, then raised her hand towards him in a plea for forgiveness. "I'm just thinking out loud. I guess I got a little carried away."

Chakotay sighed at her confusion and smiled a little in acknowledgment. The flash of adrenaline that had seized him was gone as quickly as it had appeared, replaced with a vague sense of fatigue. The last couple of days had been a shuttle ride in an ion storm.

Rubbing a hand over his face, he leaned his head back against the turbolift wall for a second, then straightened up.

"I trust you," he reminded her. "I know you'll never put our baby into harm's way when you have the choice. But I also know how hard that's going to be on you sometimes, having to step aside and let me or someone else do what we all know you're perfectly capable of doing." The frustration in her eyes chased away the last of his irritation. "You won't stop being the captain," he promised. "I know that, and I would never expect otherwise."

"I'll try to keep an eye on my temper," she promised, realising belatedly how much she'd hurt him. It wasn't the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Kathryn was keenly aware of how hard she was to live with, she just forgot from time to time.

"I'm putting him- or her- in danger just by being his mother." She watched him start to relax and hoped he forgave her. "If I had a choice, bringing this baby into the Delta Quadrant is not what I'd want for our child but she's coming and we're going to have to do the best we can. I suppose it's all right to let you and Tuvok handle a bit more of my ship." She found enough hope to smile at him. "You're up to it."

"We appreciate your faith," he teased her. She was struggling; he would remember that and try to be patient. Loss of control was still frightening for Kathryn. To lose it based on something physical and entirely unexpected was a particularly intimate threat.

She would sort it out though.

"You're not alone," he told her, repeating their mantra. "I'll help you however I can, and part of that will be leaving you to do your job as much as possible." Crossing the turbolift, Chakotay stood in front of her and slid his arms around her waist. "I'm glad you're this baby's mother," he said softly, "danger or not."

"You're just saying that because I have great cheekbones and a genetic predisposition for intelligence," she taunted him even though she was profoundly relieved that fate had given her him to share this with.

"I have moments where I'm not afraid of this," she confessed, resting her hands on his chest. "Sometimes, for a minute or two I think it's the best surprise that's ever come into my life. Then it wears off and I don't know how I can possibly balance a baby and a starship and that scares the hell out of me. But I'm not alone out there and I'm not alone here. So maybe, if I can get through being dizzy and losing my ankles and all the other things I just know I'm going to hate. It'll be all right."

"It's only been two days," Chakotay said affectionately. "I think that's more than anybody could reasonably expect." A warm swell of pride filled his chest as he watched her wrestle her anxiety.

"I can still hardly get my head around it," he confessed. "I can't imagine what it must be like for you."

Kathryn wrinkled her nose at him and smiled playfully. She kissed his cheek and then, almost to her surprise, she was honest. "Dizzying," she complained. "I haven't had a room spin like that since Neelix's fruit compote last year."

Chakotay chuckled. Kathryn on fruit compote had been surprisingly entertaining.

"Dizzy's not a word anyone could ever use to describe you," he teased. "I guess there's a first time for everything."

Kissing him one more time, she studied his face. There was no denying that he was good for her. She pulled reluctantly away. They had work to do. "Computer, resume."

She smiled at him wickedly right before the lift opened on the bridge. "Maybe even a second for some." If she survived this, she could think of worse things than having another baby.

Chakotay was still laughing when he stepped out of the turbolift. That was his Kathryn.

Heads turned, though whether due to his laughter or the fact that they were reporting significantly later than usual, and together, he wasn't sure.

Kathryn greeted Harry and Tuvok, and as Chakotay passed the Vulcan there was a tiny lift to his brow. Tuvok was curious, there was no doubt. Contrary to popular belief, mainly due to the fact that he seldom spoke up, the man missed nothing. Kathryn planned to speak with him as soon as possible.

Settling into his chair, Chakotay caught Paris' eye. While they had never been close, he had come to like and even admire the lieutenant as they'd served together. His treatment of Kathryn in sickbay had gone a long way to staving off total panic for her, and Chakotay smiled warmly in gratitude. A quick nod and the beginnings of a grin told him Paris had received the message.

Kathryn took her chair, studied the warp lines on the screen and grinned at the back of Tom's head. She'd love to be a fly on the wall of his quarters tonight.

Tuvok nodded to her as he circled towards Chakotay. That would be the duty roster and the preliminary crew evaluation reports. Chakotay had great patience for it, but she wondered if he ever got sick of all the paperwork of his position. It had to have been easier in the Maquis, but then he surely never would have risked a child.

"Commander," Tuvok began politely. "If you are ready, I would like to begin discussing the crew evaluations in your office." 

Kathryn grinned wickedly across at Chakotay. "Not having to do those was one of my favourite parts of being promoted to captain."

"That's fine, Tuvok," Chakotay responded, groaning inwardly. He was tired, and hours of methodical examination of who had done what when was not what he'd been hoping for in terms of the rest of the shift.

On the other hand...he looked at Kathryn and grinned in response to her teasing, then raised his eyebrows slightly in inquiry. If she joined them, she could break the news to Tuvok, or conversely Chakotay could tell him, although he thought Kathryn would want to be the one to do it. They had a solid friendship and the Vulcan would no doubt be pleased with the news. With Kathryn's help Chakotay was learning to understand him better.

"Don't have too much fun, Commander," Kathryn teased, tapping her console and bringing up the sensor readings. She'd find time to tell Tuvok in her way. From the way he was looking at Chakotay, she couldn't help wondering if her chief of security had already put it together for himself.

Tuvok waited for Chakotay to stand and lead the way to his office. He knew evaluations were not something the first officer looked forward to, but he was diligent and accurate in his perceptions. It was an efficient, if tedious process.

"I am going to have a cup of tea, would you like anything, Commander?"

"Tea would be great, thanks, Tuvok." Focus, focus. His mind was full of Kathryn and the baby, exactly the kind of distractedness they worked to avoid.

He sighed and shook it off, turning his attention to the task at hand. Oh well, at least there wouldn't be a lot of small talk. Say what you would about Tuvok, the man knew how to get things done.

Tuvok replicated Vulcan spice tea for both of them and set it down in front of the peculiarly distracted commander. Chakotay was attempting to pay attention and that dedication to his duty under the suspected circumstances was admirable.

"I have noticed that it is frequently easier for humans to work after they have discussed their emotional burdens," he began as he took the seat across from Chakotay. "If you would find it useful to do so now I would be amenable such a pursuit."

Damn. It was the most direct the Vulcan had been in the four years he'd known him.

"That's good of you, Tuvok," Chakotay said firmly, "but I'm not feeling particularly burdened. No more so than usual." Lying to a Vulcan. That couldn't fail.

His pupils were slightly dilated, his skin was flushed and the movement of his eyes increased slightly. Commander Chakotay was a good liar, but he was not Vulcan.

"Perhaps I have used the wrong term." Tuvok pondered for a moment and tried a new tactic. "Captain Janeway and I have been friends for many years and she often seeks my counsel when she is emotionally unsettled. I have found that these incidents have decreased since she became involved with you. In fact, I would go as far as to say that her relationship with you has been a great asset to her."

He put down his tea and set his fingers neatly. "I hope you will forgive me for my candour. I have observed you and the captain over the last twenty-four hours and I have a hypothesis."

It had been a mistake to try to drink, Chakotay realised, as he choked on the sip of tea lingering at the back of his throat. With superhuman strength he forced it down and swallowed back the cough that threatened to burst forth.

Really, why didn't he just replicate a sign that said 'I'm making a feeble attempt to deceive you' and leave it at that?

Passing a hand through his hair, he took another sip of tea and sighed in surrender. "All right, Tuvok. Why don't you enlighten me?"

Tuvok inclined his head slightly and watched Chakotay struggle with his beverage. The first officer made a valiant effort to maintain his composure and Tuvok admired him for it.

"Based on the available facts, I must conclude that the captain is pregnant, which is not something she had planned. Though I did not wish to bring it up before she told me herself, I believe you will find it easier to work on crew evaluations if we discuss the emotional changes this has created for you both."

Unbelievable. Not that Tuvok had figured it out, but that he was approaching Chakotay with it. A hundred times in different circumstances he had wished for Tuvok to be more forthright in his communication; now, when Chakotay couldn't say anything, the man was chattier than Neelix.

In the back of his mind Chakotay recognised the gesture as one of goodwill and friendship, and it touched him. Kathryn had told him time and again that Vulcans did not offer friendship lightly, and that friendship with a Vulcan was a treasure. He'd known it to be true, watching her, and now it was seemingly being offered to him. The last thing he wanted to do was reject it.

"Tuvok...I don't know what to say," he started honestly. "I appreciate the offer." Turning it over in his mind, he wondered what Kathryn would want.

My concern is this...hypothetically, mind you...sometimes when a human woman is pregnant, she likes to be the one to break the news herself. Especially to the people who mean the most to her." He smiled and hoped Tuvok would be able to help him navigate what were suddenly very choppy waters.

"That is an emotional, but logical concern," Tuvok answered. Chakotay was starting to relax, even behave in a more friendly fashion. This boded well for their relationship in the future. "When she believes the time is correct, the captain will tell me about her condition. I assure you that I will let the captain bring it up in a manner that puts her at ease."

He took a sip of his tea, then set the cup back down. "The captain cannot and will not fault me for anything that I discuss with you because I have not 'spoiled her surprise'. I have simply followed the evidence to a logical conclusion. If you still do not feel comfortable discussing the captain's pregnancy with me, let me remind you that I have four children and my experience with pregnancy, childbirth and childcare will be available to you both."

Chakotay shook his head. "It's not a matter of discomfort," he said, and in fact it wasn't, much to his surprise. "I--" The smile that was never far under the surface broke through and he grinned like the caricature of an expectant father he was rapidly becoming. "The captain is pregnant," he confirmed unnecessarily, and the words filled him with the same delight that they had when he'd spoken them the first time.

"It's unexpected, but not unwelcome. I apologise for being distracted. There's a lot to think about and I've only known since yesterday." He looked up at Tuvok and saw unexpected kindness in the man's eyes. "I'm a little overwhelmed," Chakotay confessed, and in a flash he missed his father so much it took his breath away.

"I assume she is healthy," Tuvok observed, pleased that Chakotay had realised it was acceptable to tell him. "If tired and emotionally unsettled by the surprise. The captain has always been most thoughtful in discussion of my family. In fact, she spoke to them on my behalf before she came in search of your vessel. I am convinced she will be a most excellent mother."

The apprehension and loss he saw in the other man's face needed to be addressed. "It would be normal for you to be concerned regarding your readiness to be a parent. Your patience, caring and dedication to those you care for are excellent assets that will serve you well as a father."

Chakotay nodded in appreciation. He hoped that was right; his relationship with his father had been stormy and he'd always wondered what kind of parent he would be.

"The captain's healthy," he confirmed. It felt odd to be discussing her in such a personal way, but if there was anyone on the ship whose commitment to Kathryn rivaled his own, it was Tuvok. "She has some concerns about what it's going to mean for her ability to do her job, and to be honest, so do I."

Chakotay relaxed a little into his chair and took a sip of tea. It was soothing. "I'm walking a fine line," he said thoughtfully. "I've spent a year coming to terms with the fact that Voyager, and her role as captain, have to come first. Now there's a baby involved and I'm not sure where the line is. It's something we'll have to figure out together, I know, but I'm worried about coming down too hard on her." It occurred to him that there was no other person on the ship, not even Kathryn herself, that he could have told that to.

Mulling through what Chakotay had said, Tuvok put his thoughts in order before he spoke. It was more efficient that way. Chakotay's concerns were valid; the captain did have a great deal of responsibility and she had pushed herself to the physical limit on more than one occasion. "Captain Janeway does define herself in terms of her responsibilities. If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, this tendancy could be reined in more readily, but here it is difficult for her to spend time out from under the burdens she has placed on herself."

Lifting his cup, he studied the dark liquid and realised how much of his conversation with the captain would be necessary to reassure her that she could find the balance between her responsibilities and her life. "When my son was born, my wife and I spent many weeks under the mistaken assumption that the more time we spent with him, the better his childhood would be. It was not until my mother intervened and explained that the logic of exhausting oneself in the hopes of being a good parent was flawed.

"Since that time, I have come to understand that the people I choose to surround myself with are the same people to whom I would entrust my child; our shared values ensure that my children will grow into exemplary adults, even when I am not present."

Amused at the unexpected similarities in their outlooks, Chakotay smiled warmly at the older man. "My people also have a tradition of providing support to the child and the parents," he acknowledged. He was comfortable that the emotional support they needed to make the transition to parenthood would be there, but hearing it spoken aloud was reassuring.

"I'll need your help in terms of the ship," Chakotay continued. "The captain trusts your counsel. She tends to believe she's being irresponsible if she's not giving a hundred and twenty percent..." Hell, he might as well go for broke. "I'm worried about what will happen to her when that's no longer possible."

Tuvok took a moment to organise his thoughts. Captain Janeway was not entirely illogical when it came to the limits of her physical endurance. It was a point of pride to her, and the addition of a child to her life would require reordering of her priorities.

"If you require a 'bad guy' to remind the captain that she needs to respect her limitations, I am willing to fulfill that role. She has on occasion listened to me when it came to taking care of her health. The crew does not benefit from the leadership of an exhausted captain, and I believe she can learn to respect that."

"I won't make you play the heavy, Tuvok," Chakotay said, grinning both in relief and at the man's use of the vernacular. "At least, not entirely, but I think it'll help her to know you support her backing off when it's necessary."

Feeling decidedly cheered, he finished the last of his tea. "I want to thank you," he said. "I didn't realise how heavily this was weighing on me." Pulling the first padd off the pile on his desk, he scrolled down to the section they needed. "I appreciate you bringing it up." Tuvok was the last place he'd expected to find emotional support and he supposed it was just one of the many changes that were coming.


	4. Chapter 4

Her chair wasn't moving. Well, it was moving, but it was moving along with the rest of Voyager and not as a separate entity hell-bent on churning up her stomach. Not that it took much to do that. The turbolift up had been bad enough: all those lights flitting by.

The bridge had been manageable until a few days ago. On Saturday, she'd started to notice that keeping her eyes fixed on the crew instead of her surroundings improved her ability to focus.

Tom had a cowlick on the back of his head. She was sure of it. It lived on the lower right side of the hairline along his neck. If she kept her eyes on that and the wisp of red hair that was out of place. Kathryn wanted to fix it, but getting up would have made her stomach that much more dangerous to carry.

The captain was staring at him again, and in spite of himself Tom could feel the sweat starting to drip down his back.

It was ridiculous. For once he hadn't done anything. Well...okay. That wasn't technically entirely true. If he really thought hard about it, there might be a couple of things she could have on her mind. But since when did Captain Janeway not confront things directly? Besides, he was fairly certain she knew nothing about the still he and Ayala had put together and stashed in the cargo bay. And as far as he knew that time with B'Elanna late-night in the Jefferies tube was still a well-kept secret. So what the hell was she thinking? And more to the point, why didn't she let the ax fall? This sweating it out was going to be the death of him.

Spinning casually in his chair, he glanced at the captain but she didn't meet his eyes. She'd been quiet all morning; she was definitely irritated about something. Damn. He hated this kind of day.

Kathryn swallowed hard. The starlines haloed the back of Tom's head, dancing around him. They were at warp, as they often were. She'd sat on the bridge nearly a thousand times but this time she had to grab the armrests of her chair until her fingers went numb. The distraction wasn't helping. Her stomach was still a mess, as if her inner ear were being tossed around.

Dropping her head for a moment, she pushed up out of her chair and paced parallel to the torturous viewscreen. Maybe if she could avoid looking at it, her stomach would calm.

Tom's posture was too perfect when she walked past. Had she inadvertently done something? Could he tell she was a moment of weakness away from having to leave the bridge?

She hadn't yet. Kathryn was clinging to that.

She patted Tom's shoulder as she passed him. She didn't want him upset. It wasn't his fault. "Nice and steady, Mr. Paris."

"Aye, Captain." The relief caught him by surprise, although maybe it shouldn't have. Whatever her mood was about, it wasn't directed at him.

Tom had never been particularly afraid of authority, nor respectful of it for that matter, but with Captain Janeway...he always wanted to do right by her. It mattered, what she thought of him, and he'd never really felt that way before. He was no angel, and there was no chance he was ever going to be, but something about the captain made him want to try that little bit harder.

And if he followed the path of temptation a little more often than he should, well, at least she didn't always know about it. One thing he hated above all else was disappointing her. Fortunately, it didn't happen that often. She seemed to understand who he was and she'd never held it against him.

"Captain," Tuvok interrupted her thoughts as she passed by his station as she continued circling the bridge. "This motion is not necessary and I believe you are distracting Mr. Kim."

Kathryn winced, and stopped, holding the railing in her sweaty palms. "I'm sorry, Ensign," she said weakly smiling over at him. "I will stop my unnecessary motion, Mr. Tuvok." She sighed and stared at the floor. That meant going back to her chair, where the starlines would wreak havoc with her nearly destroyed sense of equilibrium. She very carefully walked back to her seat in the centre of the bridge, forcing herself to let go of the railing before anyone noticed how much she was hanging on to it.

Sitting down again, she buried her eyes in the reports she'd already read. When even those words began to swim, she swallowed, hard. It wasn't fair.

"Oh, it's all right, Captain," Harry spoke up quickly. "You're not bothering me." He glanced toward Tuvok, hoping he didn't take it as a contradiction, but really. Sometimes he was unnecessarily stuffy. If the captain wanted to go for a little stroll, what did it matter?

Although it was a bit odd, he supposed. She wasn't one for a lot of random movement. Chakotay was more likely to stretch his legs, which made sense considering he was a lot taller than the captain and those chairs weren't the most comfortable.

Captain Janeway seemed sort of...tense or something. He didn't think she was angry; she'd smiled at him as she'd made the first pass by his station but the smile seemed forced and it didn't quite reach her eyes. They sparkled like sapphires when she was truly happy. Not that he'd ever really noticed. The thought made him blush and he lowered his head to the console in front of him to resume what he'd been working on.

Kathryn turned her head slowly towards Harry and smiled at him as much as she could. He was too far behind her to see it, but she caught Tom looking at her.

"Thank you, Mr. Kim," she said formally. She folded her hands together when she stopped being able to read her reports at all. Her stomach was seriously thinking of committing mutiny and even Tuvok couldn't calm that.

Sitting down was worse than standing, so she stood back up. Tuvok raised an eyebrow in her direction and she paused by the railing.

"Captain?"

What could she do? Did she have any kind of recourse?

"Mr. Paris, may I borrow you for a moment?" she said quickly before retreating to the ready room.

Tom looked up in surprise, but he rallied quickly and was on his feet in a flash, glancing back at Harry with a quick shrug.

Following the captain to her ready room, the 'inner sanctum' he thought with amusement, he wondered what was going on.

He'd thought maybe a fight with Chakotay. The big guy wasn't on the bridge, but that in itself wasn't that unusual, and they never let their personal relationship cross over into work. It was a trait that was known and acknowledged among the crew and he admired them for it. It couldn't be easy.

What adrenaline she'd had to carry her off the bridge faded when the door sealed her in the ready room. Pacing past her desk, Kathryn turned towards Tom before she gave up. Sinking down to the step that led up to the raised part of her ready room, she lowered her head to just above her knees and willed her stomach quiet. Wrapping her hands around her knees, she looked up at Tom's politely dumbfounded expression.

"The viewscreen makes me nauseated," she confessed weakly. "I can't look at it without feeling like my stomach's about to jump to warp along with Voyager." Swallowing and gaining momentum, Kathryn's voice rose with desperation. "The Doctor said I just have to wait it out but it's been staying with me most of the day and I--"

The medic in him responded even as the officer stood stupidly, watching her complexion turn a frightening shade of grey-green.

He moved to the replicator and returned with a cold cloth. Kneeling in front of her, he waited until she made eye contact before putting it over the back of her neck. "Let's just try this for a minute," he suggested smoothly, not really giving her the chance to decline. "My mom used to do this whenever we were sick. Made a world of difference."

Maybe not a world, but it couldn't hurt, and she was obviously upset. Not that he blamed her.

The fact that he hadn't called her captain was strangely comforting. Captains didn't suffer morning sickness and need to avoid their viewscreens. For a moment, Kathryn fought the urge to apologise and tell him she was fine.

She wasn't and letting him take care of her was desperately appealing. He had such a good heart, no matter how much he tried to hide it behind his swagger.

"I threw up in engineering," she confessed sheepishly. Closing her eyes, Kathryn rested her chin on her arm as it held her knees. Might as well let B'Elanna have someone to talk to. "B'Elanna watched me with the most sympathetic expression I've ever gotten from a Klingon."

Tom chuckled lightly to put her at ease. "Sympathy from a Klingon, wow, you must have been in rough shape," he drawled. With her eyes closed the captain looked about sixteen years old and his heart went out to her in her distress.

Taking her hand, he squeezed it in solidarity then turned it over to check her pulse. He didn't have a tricorder but her breathing was fine, and her heart rate was only slightly elevated, typical of the stress of a queasy stomach. "Are you having any other symptoms?" he asked gently. The Doc would never forgive him if he neglected the health of what the crew had secretly taken to calling "First Baby". Not to mention having to answer to Chakotay.

Kathryn opened one eye enough to catch his concerned, semi-professional smile. Tom's bedside manner was charming in a laid-back way. She let her eye close again and searched her rebellious body.

"No," she said quickly. Then she paused and corrected herself with a sigh. "If I move too quickly, I get dizzy. Not unbearably, but enough that I'm glad Voyager has so many railings. I forget about that when my stomach acts up."

Watching her a moment, he realised what was wrong with the picture in front of him. He was seeing the person, Kathryn Janeway, and not his commanding officer. Even at their dinners there'd never been this level of openness. She was hiding nothing from him.

That he'd earned this level of trust from her touched him like nothing he could remember.

"The dizziness and the nausea are pretty common," he said apologetically. "I could give you an anti-emetic, you know. It wouldn't hurt you or the baby. But it would make you sleepy." He assumed that was why she hadn't taken anything so far.

"I don't know what's worse, being sleepy or wondering if I should dash off the bridge before I really embarrass poor Harry," Kathryn said bitterly. Sighing again, she lifted her head and tightened her grip on her knees. "I can't shake off sleepy if there's a red alert."

She couldn't guarantee that she could shake off nausea either but she had a hunch adrenaline could force it away. Studying his very empathetic smile, Kathryn abruptly realised how strange she must have seemed earlier. Grabbing his hand, she began to apologise, "You must have thought I was absolutely irritated with you, the way I kept staring at the back of your head."

Wincing, she patted his wrist and released her grip. "It's just that your head doesn't move and everything around you does."

"No problem when you have a conscience as clear as mine," Tom teased, knowing she knew him better than that. He did feel like a grade A dolt though, for not having realised how sick she'd been feeling. A pregnant woman was nauseated, that was one for the medical books all right. He rolled his eyes inwardly.

"Captain," he started carefully. He hated to pull things back to the professional but it was the captain who'd have to consider what he was going to say. "There's really nothing going on. I don't think anyone would think anything of it if you turned the watch over to Tuvok or Chakotay. I'm speaking as your medic now, you understand." He grinned cheekily, turning on the boyish charm that allowed him to say what few others could. "Don't make me prescribe a nap."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," she said calmly. Straightening up where she sat, she glanced at her desk before she brought her gaze back to Tom. "I can only avoid the stars so long," she said. Her smile was more twisted than relieved. "I need to know I can do it, if I have to." It was a transparent excuse and she knew it.

"I can't just hide in my ready room because I'm pregnant," Kathryn argued. Tom didn't bite back and she knew she'd lost almost as soon as it began. She shook her head, completely frustrated by her circumstances. "I'll work at my desk," she compromised. When he started to give her that look doctors loved to use, she faltered. "If I lie down all I'll be able to think about is how much I want to vomit."

It would be like it was when she woke up in the morning, when no matter what she did, she ended up in front of the toilet.

"I'll give Tuvok the bridge," she conceded. "If it doesn't need me, I doubt it needs Chakotay."

Tom watched in amusement as she worked her way through a list of arguments, shooting them down herself without him having to say a word. She had to be absolutely exhausted.

"I think it's a wise choice," he offered kindly. He knew she hated it. "You might as well rest while you can. We all know there are going to be times when you have to be there, no matter how rotten you feel."

Standing up, his knees protesting the time he'd spend kneeling, Tom strolled casually to the replicator and entered his medical code. He was pushing it, but he was pretty sure he could press home his advantage. "If you're going to lie down, you might as well be sleeping, and if you're going to sleep, you're going to need something to get rid of the nausea." He held up the hypo. "Shall I give it to you now or would you like to take it with you?" She wasn't happy, but really, who was going to take orders from a green captain?

Getting slowly to her feet, Kathryn offered him her neck in concession. The hypospray hissed and she tried not to think of it as giving up. 

"Thank you." She watched him put the hypospray away. It was a personal question but who else did she have to ask? Tuvok's wife had handled all four of her pregnancies with Vulcan calm, just like he had.

"Tom, would it be frustrating for you if the-" she paused, dropping her eyes to the floor. She'd just have to ask him outright. "If you were having a child, and the woman involved, B'Elanna, hypothetically, was...ill a great deal?"

Choking down the shock caused by the idea of B'Elanna having his child took a little longer than he would have liked, given the pleading look in the captain's eyes as she waited for his answer.

Tom swallowed hard and forced his mind to focus on what she was saying. "You're wondering how I'd feel about it?" he asked curiously. He thought he knew where she was going, but he wasn't sure. 

Kathryn winced when he looked so startled. Maybe she should have just said Chakotay but she had to protect him. "I need a male opinion," she said. Was that too evasive? "A human male opinion," she clarified. "It would be hard, wouldn't it? Frustrating, maybe. I - well - I don't know what I can do. If I need to do anything. I can't hide it. I shouldn't but it's hard for him. It would be hard for you, wouldn't it?"

He thought his heart might melt then and there. For the first time, the only time in almost four years, Tom wished she wasn't his captain.

Because then he could have hugged her.

Instead he settled for trying to give her the best answer he could.

"It would be hard," he said slowly, "but maybe not for the reasons you're thinking. If it were me, I'd be worried. I'd know I shouldn't be, but it wouldn't make any difference." He nodded, considering it aloud. "I would be frustrated, but not with her. I'd hate not being able to make her feel better."

Hesitating, he watched the captain's eyes but she seemed to be okay with what he was saying. "I might feel a bit guilty," he said carefully. "Or...worried that she was sorry she'd gotten pregnant to begin with, especially if things were really bad." Tom looked at her sympathetically. "But it would all be...it would just be because I felt so damned powerless to do anything to make it better. If you get what I mean? It wouldn't be about her, it would just be the situation."

Listening to Tom eased a weight in her chest. Kathryn hadn't said much to Chakotay. He worried enough about her and spent more than enough time taking care of her. She didn't even know how to ask what he needed, and most of the time she was too tired when they were home to be able to do much about it.

"It's not his fault I'm pregnant," she said softly. Tom knew that already from how disastrously she'd taken the news originally. "I don't know what to do. He tries so hard to hide it. I get miserable and he becomes just as miserable in a different way. Can I help him? I know I look like I'm some kind of Romulan ghost lately but it's not all bad. It's biology. Really unfortunate biology."

"I don't think there's a lot you can do," Tom said thoughtfully. "He loves you," he smiled at the captain as he said it. Hell, he hadn't known love like that existed outside of novels before he'd seen them together. "He's not going to be happy until you're feeling better.

"There is one thing though. Let him do what he can for you. I know you don't want to burden him, but...if it were me, the thing that would make it unbearable would be if she turned away from me or wouldn't let me help." They didn't seem to have a problem in that area, but she'd asked for his opinion.

Kathryn laughed weakly, shaking her head and leaning against the desk. "I should burden him?" she asked, smiling. She appreciated Tom's candour even if she didn't quite believe it. Hating asking for help, Kathryn retreated when she was ill.

Her nausea had faded a little, but the creeping dizziness and exhaustion the drug left behind was barely worth it. Her mind ran slower and it frustrated her.

"Thank you for your help," she said, patting his shoulder fondly. "I didn't know who else to ask. It didn't really occur to me that Chakotay would want to be overwhelmed with all my complaints." She smiled wryly at him. "I hope this isn't scarring you before you have a baby."

That was the second time she'd mentioned him having a baby and it left him as speechless as the first. "Ah, no, ma'am," Tom managed, shaking his head. Marriage, babies, family life, they were all things he'd assumed were out of his league, and it had never really concerned him. Some things were not for people like him. It was just the way life was.

Still, he was a bit curious about what it was that made the captain suggest it.

When he managed to meet her eyes again he realised the drug was taking effect. Quickly. "Captain," he said gently, "with all due respect, it might be time for you to consider calling it a day. I'd be happy to escort you to your quarters." He was planning to call the commander just as soon as he dropped her off; she wouldn't be happy but he'd want to know, and if Tom didn't ask her permission, the captain couldn't say no.

Taking his arm, Kathryn gave in. Maybe she should start getting accustomed to having to depend on her crew. It was only going to get worse. She had a lot of her pregnancy left.

"If you insist," she said. "You're getting good at rescuing me from myself." This made the second time he'd been incredibly sweet when she'd been vulnerable. Tom deserved a better reputation than he had but she couldn't ruin it for him.

"All part of the service." Tom patted the hand that held his arm and led her back out onto the bridge. He felt oddly protective, hoping that no one would say or do anything that would make the captain uncomfortable. It had been an enormous concession, getting her to do this; now he needed the rest of the team to play their part.

When she stopped to talk to Tuvok, Tom took advantage of the time to key a few words into a message for Chakotay. By the time she turned back to him he was ready for her, smiling and innocent. "Shall we, Captain?" Tom asked gallantly, playing it up so the bridge crew wouldn't realise how awful she was feeling. He wasn't sure if they were buying it, but the loyalty every single person on Voyager felt for her would likely fill in any gaps in credibility.

"It is logical to accept your limitations," Tuvok reminded her, keeping his voice low out of respect. "You would not begrudge this of another member of your crew, so you shall not of yourself."

"I'll try," she said wearily. Tuvok's replacement appeared beside him and her security chief moved towards the centre of the bridge.

"I suggest patience. Nausea is not purported to last much into the middle trimester of human pregnancies." Tuvok would have continued, even reminded her of the odds that she might be that unlucky but her wince stopped him. "I hope you feel better."


	5. Chapter 5

The captain looked utterly done in. If Tom had known how quickly the drug was going to work, he would have waited and administered it in her quarters.

Ushering her into the turbolift as quickly as possible, he sighed in relief when the doors slid closed behind them. "There we go," he encouraged. "Just hang on. Lean on me if you need to, it'll be our little secret." He hoped Chakotay had the brains not to let on that he'd been summoned. He knew the first officer would be notified that the captain had left the bridge. It just seemed like sooner might be better than later, in this particular case.

"My inner ear's very touchy," Kathryn explained pathetically. She smiled weakly at him and let him guide her to the sofa. "Pilot training, at the Academy, year two," she paused when they reached the sofa. Sinking in with a self-deprecating giggle, she smiled up at him.

"I bet you were incredible," she guessed. "Anyway, I was terrible. All those spins and turns and barrel rolls at high impulse..." Kathryn trailed off and patted his hand gently. "When my instructor let us try it drugged, I was even worse. It felt like I'd been hitting the Romulan Ale whenever we landed."

She covered her mouth in surprise. "I'm sorry, Mr. Paris. I shouldn't ramble like that."

He couldn't help but chuckle. Fortunately she didn't seem to be in much of a position to be offended.

"It's all right, Captain. You know I always enjoy a good piloting story." Tom sat beside her, reluctant to leave her alone in this state. "The drug I gave you has a mildly intoxicating effect on some people, so we probably shouldn't discuss command codes," he teased her. "But please, feel free to tell me all your embarrassing Academy stories."

"You wouldn't get very far in a mutiny," Kathryn reminded him as seriously as she could. It probably didn't help her at all because she couldn't stop smiling. "Tuvok and Chakotay would stop you, even if I told you every code I have for the ship."

Resting her hands on her stomach, she stared down at it and shook her head slowly. "I'm not sure if this is better but I'm sure you see why I can't take these and then try to run the ship. I'd probably fly the ship into a nebula just because it looked like it would be pretty."

"Embarrassing Academy stories..." she paused, racking her brain. "You can't tell him," she whispered as if her unborn child could hear her and understand. "Or her-" Kathryn corrected. "You can't. I don't. I'll tell him - her - eventually just, not until she's eighteen."

Removing one hand from her belly, but leaving the other, she let her mind drift back. "Cadet Riker and I, once, a very very long time ago, might have spent the entire night in the quantum physics lab studying. Which isn't embarrassing at all, I'm sure you're thinking. You see, I have to admit I was only known for studying and sometimes that got a little dull and he had a reputation for being-- I'm sure you know, having had a similar reputation. Will suggested around oh-five-hundred, that if we left the desk a little askew and I messed up my hair, it might give everyone else in our class something to talk about, while no one would know how prepared we were for the exam. A little misdirection, if you will."

Kathryn stopped and blinked at him. "Unless, you weren't being literal." 

He tried, he really did, but the earnest expression on her face at the end of that ludicrous story was too much and he laughed out loud. Tom didn't want to offend her but it was a side to the captain he'd never seen, and he'd never have believed it if he wasn't catching the live show.

"No, no, that's great," he assured her with one final chuckle. "No problem, Captain, everything's just fine."

Tom looked up as the door slid open and Chakotay strolled in, coming to a sudden stop in front of the sofa. He nodded a polite hello, then looked at the captain quizzically, taking in the laughter and casual atmosphere. "What's going on? he asked her. "Why aren't you on the bridge?" His concerned surprise was genuine enough to make Tom wonder if he'd actually gotten the message.

Kathryn looked from Tom to Chakotay and everything Tom had suggested coalesced in her drug-addled brain.

"I thought I was going to redecorate the carpet with my lunch," she said with a lazy wave of her hand. "Tom - Lieutenant Paris - came up with the brilliant idea of drugging me and bringing me back here." She glanced down at the hand she still had on her stomach and waved Chakotay over. "I think I might have lost her - his - the baby's respect already," she mock whispered still concerned the baby might hear her.

"But I'm not nauseated," she announced cheerfully. "I think that's an improvement, isn't it?" Kathryn asked, turning her gaze towards Tom.

"I think it's a definite improvement," Tom assured her seriously, standing up. "Not to mention you're more the colour of a human being and not three-day-old leola root casserole. I think we can call our little experiment a success, Captain." He winked conspiratorially at her.

"Well that's good news," Chakotay grinned. It was wonderful to see Kathryn relaxed and happy, although clearly the drug was making its presence known. How Tom had gotten her to take something was beyond him, but there was extra holodeck time in the man's future if Chakotay had anything to say about it. "And then, what?" he teased, sitting beside Kathryn in the spot Tom had vacated and taking her hand. "You decided to go for a few drinks on the way back here?"

"I'm not drunk," she replied, tugging her hand free to pat his cheek. "Tom can vouch for me, I promise," Kathryn insisted. Tom retreated towards the door and she waved at him.

"Thank you again, Mr. Paris. I'll make sure to tell the Doctor how professional you were," she promised warmly. If she'd felt better, she might have hugged him, but that would have embarrassed Tom and made Chakotay laugh at her.

"I can't take--" Kathryn paused and frowned. She had no idea what she'd just taken and Tom was already gone. "Whatever it is Tom gave me. Nausea's gone and my head's gone with it. I'm sorry, Chakotay. I can't really explain it. Tom can explain it. Or the Doctor. You could ask either of them."

Chakotay laughed. "It's okay, Kathryn, I know. I'm just teasing you." She'd always been very literal, the few times he'd seen her have too much to drink. Apparently this was affecting her the same way.

It was adorable.

"Tell me what happened on the bridge," he stroked her cheek, which had more colour in it than he'd seen in days. "You didn't throw up on poor Harry, did you?" It was bad to play with her, but the delight at seeing her this way was irresistible. He'd better enjoy it while it lasted, because anything strong enough to take away her nausea was bound to put her to sleep eventually.

"No, no," she insisted. "I didn't throw up. I wanted to. I thought I was going to. Tuvok told me to stop pacing and I couldn't sit there." Sliding closer to him, Kathryn rested her head on his shoulder. "The starlines on the viewscreen make me nauseated. I can't even look at it. I was staring at the back of Tom's head so much he must have thought I hated him."

"He was very sweet," she said, turning her head to get a better look at him. "Very sweet and I don't think he wants anyone to know, which is funny. He's very funny. He was asking me about the Academy and I - oh - I may have told him about Cadet Riker and I and--"

Losing herself in giggles, she buried her forehead against his shoulder and kept laughing. "Can you believe there was a time when I'd rather have had people think I was having sex than studying?"

She was laughing so hard it shook both of them, and Chakotay's stomach filled with warmth at the sound of it. The tension of the day slipped away from him as she giggled against his shoulder. Her bits and pieces of conversation made no sense at all to him, but it didn't matter. The brutal, unceasing nausea was gone for the time being and she was going to get some decent sleep out of this no matter what else happened.

He had already checked in with Tuvok, and left word for the later watches, making it clear that even if they encountered a flashing green sign that said 'this way to the Alpha Quadrant', it was he who should be contacted and not Kathryn.

"Come on," Chakotay cut in on her, then corrected himself, smiling gently. "Don't stop talking, just come with me while you're doing it. Let's get you into something more comfortable." Her uniform wasn't even wrinkled and he marveled again at how she managed it.

"You're always taking off my clothes," Kathryn protested weakly as he brought her up to her feet. "That could be part of the problem you know. If I'd kept things on a little more often, I might not be nauseated and all drugged up so I can forget how nauseated I am."

Chakotay nodded. "I don't remember you fighting to keep them on." She was more unsteady on her feet than he'd expected and he held her at the waist, backing his way into the next room.

Clinging to his arms made the room hold still a little better but it was still pretty hopeless. She stopped them both near the bedroom, feigning dizziness until he was close enough that she could kiss him lightly. "I want you to know I don't hate being pregnant. I hate vomiting but-" pausing, she ran her lips over each other and then shrugged. "I think I'm in love with the baby."

She never ceased to amaze him, sharing her deepest feelings when he least expected it.

He let his forehead rest against hers for a moment, savouring the tenderness of her kiss and the words that had come with it. "That works out well," Chakotay offered. "I'm in love with the baby too." He manoeuvred her through the doorway then around to sit on the bed, sighing in relief when she was safely down and settled.

Squatting in front of her he undid her uniform jacket. "I'm also in love with the baby's mother," he said softly as he helped her shrug out of it. "I'm a pretty happy guy these days, all things considered."

"Good," she said simply. "Good," Kathryn repeated, "you deserve to be happy. You should be covered in happiness and wrapped up in it." She let him slide off her turtleneck and watched as he dropped down to her boots. Stroking his head, she ran her fingers through his hair.

"The baby's mother-" could she really think of herself as that? "-might be a little overwhelmed," she admitted shyly. "She loves her new family very very much but it's been a lot of change, very quickly, and she's really sick a lot more than she knows how to handle."

On the floor in front of her, peeling off her boots and socks, Chakotay stopped what he was doing to look up at Kathryn. "It is overwhelming," he acknowledged, surprised that she was telling him this. A flutter of relief passed through him and he moved up to where he could touch her.

Brushing his lips across her forehead, he inhaled the scent that was uniquely Kathryn and let it soak into every part of him. "We never had the chance to get used to the idea of the baby before you were hit so hard with the symptoms. Every day is just as busy as it's ever been. We have good friends here but it chafes at the wounds caused by not being with your family." He cupped her jaw and stroked his thumb along her cheek. "It's been crazy. I'm not surprised it caught up with you today."

Pausing, he looked at her, realising something. "How did Tom know how sick you were?"

Kathryn smirked at him a little and lay back onto the bed instead of answering right away. The ceiling spun above her and she curled up on her side, arms close to her chest. The wall was easier to look at and she stared past his side of the bed at the art he hung on his wall. It was nice to have so much of him all around her.

"I told him," she said, yawning into her hand. "When I couldn't sit down, stand up or even pace without my stomach revolting on me, I dragged him into my ready room and collapsed." She lifted her head a little and smiled weakly to assuage his concern. "Emotionally more than physically, I promise. He was very patient."

"You told Tom?" Chakotay was more than a little surprised. "You pulled him into your ready room and told him how sick you were?" Catching himself, he smiled at her and shook his head. There was no need to make her feel self-conscious, but he could barely believe what she was telling him. "Well done," he said admiringly.

Sitting beside her on the bed, he pushed her gently onto her back and undid her trousers. "Lift," he ordered with a smirk, and when her hips came off the bed he slid them down. Undressing her caused his body to stir in response and the sight of her in her panties and tank did nothing to alleviate his desire. He missed making love with her; she'd been too sick, but it was only for a time, he reminded himself.

Kicking off his own boots, Chakotay stretched out beside her on the bed. He'd managed to clear the rest of his day, which reminded him of something else.

"I took us both off the duty roster for tomorrow."

"You can do that?" she teased him, batting her eyes innocently as she rolled over to rest her head on his chest. Trailing her hand lazily down his stomach, Kathryn lifted her head enough to kiss him gently. She hung over him for a moment or two, breathing him in.

"I try and clear my schedule and things appear on it," she pouted and snuggled closer. When she draped her leg across his she felt the first hint of his arousal and paused, almost surprised that he could find her attractive when she'd been so miserable that morning. "All of tomorrow too?" she asked, kissing his chin. "I've been thinking that I might switch myself to Beta shift for awhile, provided you don't mind. My stomach settles down a little in the afternoon and I'm the least dizzy around dinner time. You'll have the extra responsibilities of being on Alpha by yourself but I think it'll help."

She kissed him again and stopped him from answering. "We're off duty, no more talking about duty until we're on duty again."

"Whatever you say," he teased, pulling out her hair pins with a practised ease. He could do it now almost as quickly as she could. Her hair tumbled down over his chest and shoulders and he buried his fingers in it, massaging her scalp and the back of her neck.

The press of her body against him was unbelievably good, as though it had been weeks since they'd made love instead of days. Chakotay was cautious, not wanting to assume or to be insensitive, but just being able to touch her felt like a gift. He hadn't realised how far away she'd felt with all that had been happening.

Turning toward her, he slid his hand under her tank, stroking up and down the soft skin of her back and sighing with contentment. Her head was tucked against his chest, and he kissed her hair, then bent to kiss her mouth softly when she looked up at him.

"So much of me is different," she said gently. Moving his hand beneath her tank from her back to her breast, she smiled at him in wonder. "They're heavier, bigger somehow and-" Kathryn gasped a little when he moved his fingers, cutting herself off. "Sensitive."

In a way everything was sensitive. Her skin felt more tender, as if all of her was somehow more vulnerable. "If we go slowly," she invited. His hand moved against her breast and she gasped again from the rough heat of his palm. "No bulkheads but...I don't think I'll need one."

Her soft gasp and the pebbled hardness of her nipple lit the spark of desire that had been lurking just below the surface. Her breast did feel fuller and softer, more malleable in his palm, and her response to even the slightest movement of his hand was exciting.

Sitting up, he undid his jacket quickly then pulled the other shirts over his head. He didn't need a bulkhead either, instead craving the feel of her bare skin against his and the taste of her breath in his mouth.

Turning back to her, he tugged the tank gently over her head. "Let me see," he grinned at her. Her body was changing almost daily and even without sex he'd taken it upon himself to keep a very thorough inventory, something that amused Kathryn to no end.

Lying back as he surveyed her body, Kathryn was surprised by the rush of protective emotion that sprang up into her belly as he passed it. Her stomach didn't yet look any different, but she knew what was beneath her flesh. Stroking her fingers through his hair, she smiled gently and let him continue. Their baby was safe. He or she was entirely protected by their love for each other. She needed to remind herself of it. Chakotay knew, of course, but she wanted the thought fresh in her mind.

However accidentally, they'd made this baby together and it was their responsibility, even when she was sick, exhausted or drugged. Closing her eyes, she surrendered her body to his search. "I love you," she murmured to the ceiling.

"I love you," Chakotay whispered back. It was hardly enough but he could try for a thousand years and never be able to put into words what he felt for her.

Kathryn's skin was silky under his fingers and she lay quietly under his touch, sighing her appreciation. She was doing this mostly for him, he suspected, not in a submissive way, but she'd felt his arousal and understood what he needed. Her generosity triggered a rush of tenderness and a desire to give her pleasure, more so even than normal. 

He pressed his lips to the base of her throat. The clean, salty taste of her skin never failed to excite him, and he licked at her gently for a moment before moving slowing across her collarbone and down to her breast.

"I wonder how long we'll be able to do this," she said aloud, stroking his shoulder lazily. "Not sex," Kathryn corrected quickly. "Apparently we can do that the whole way through, I'm told. I was being literal. This, this position." Sitting up a little, she smiled at his head as he worked his way down towards her belly. "It's going to get in the way, sooner than later I think isn't it?"

Her stomach was smooth and flat, and Chakotay left off kissing the place where their child lay buried long enough to make eye contact with Kathryn. He pondered what she was saying for a moment, imagining the changes to come. "I can't wait to see you like that," he told her honestly. The idea of her body, full and ripe with their baby, was incredibly erotic.

"Besides," he continued, rising up to remove her panties, "we've never been lacking in positions."

Kathryn giggled and watched him discard her underwear. "I suppose not." Studying him curiously, she wonder what the infatuation was with men and pregnancy. She couldn't really ask Tom, she'd scarred him enough for one day. Perhaps Tuvok could help. He was usually able to talk about things.

"So you like this, other than the morning sickness that won't let go of my afternoons?" she asked, mildly surprised. She shouldn't have been, beneath his quiet exterior he was happily domestic.

Chakotay smoothed a hand over her hip, continuing his explorations along the full curve, sweeping down to the soft place behind her knee. Her calf was tight - those command boots of hers were murder on her legs - and he stopped there to massage the muscle, placing slow kisses up the inside of her leg as he worked. Feeling her relax into his touch he did the same for the other calf, then kissed his way leisurely up that leg, drawn forward by the scent of her desire.

"I like it," he affirmed, stopping to smile at her in that slow, lazy way he saved only for Kathryn. "I like the life you and I have built over the last year, and I trust it. I like the idea of a child, and the thought that your body is growing it for us is unbelievably sexy." He nuzzled gently between her legs, coaxing them farther apart, then dipped his head to run his tongue along the entrance to her body and roughly up across her clit, completing his inventory. Moving back up beside her, he grinned cheekily. "You taste just the same, in case you were wondering."

Frowning at him slightly, she gave up and kissed him. Kathryn took her time, then ran her hand lazily down his chest. "If you want to make love, you'd better get to it before I start giggling again or fall asleep on you. Both are probable," she warned him.

"Ah, how romantic," he teased. He was hard and aching and Kathryn was soft and inviting. Not to mention amusing in a way that filled his heart to bursting. A little voice in the back of his head wondered if he should just let her go to sleep. He clamped down viciously on it.

Pulling back, Chakotay stood beside the bed and stripped away his trousers and underwear, toeing off his socks quickly. The relief of removing the binding clothing dueled with the insistent pull for more of Kathryn and he slid up beside her on the bed. "How will this work best?" he asked gently, stroking the hair back off her face. "I don't want to put any weight on your stomach. I know you're feeling better, but I don't want to set it off again."

"The romance is gone, Chakotay, we're parents now. Better get used to it," she chirped and watched him undress. He had missed making love a great deal, evidently.

The heat of his erection pressed against her thigh when he climbed back into bed with her. She glanced down at him when he touched her cheek and smirked. "You on top might make me throw up, me on top might make me throw up."

Kathryn sighed and kissed him before she rolled over and pressed her back firmly against his chest. "At least you get these," she offered, dragging one of his hands to her over-sensitive breast.

He had to laugh. She was loopy from the drug and he wasn't sure how much she realised it. But she was warm and willing and if he didn't get inside her he thought he might lose his own mind.

Burying his face in her hair, Chakotay wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her flush against him. "Come here," he murmured. He liked being able to hold her this way while they made love and although rear entry positions weren't Kathryn's favourite, she indulged him from time to time. She was right; they'd better get used to it.

His hand slid down her thigh and nudged her leg gently back over his, opening her up to him. In spite of her distraction and fatigue, she was more than wet enough and he ran his fingers through her moisture as much for his own pleasure as hers. When she pressed back against him he pushed forward, groaning her name softly as the tight heat of her body pulled him in.

"There you go," she sighed and stroked the arm against her waist. Having him inside of her was comforting more than anything else and Kathryn was quite happy to be able to fulfill his desire. After all, he was so adorably eager. She twisted her hips down to meet him and dug her free hand into the sheet. It must have been the damn drug; it was hard to tell what was happening in her head.

Moaning contentedly, she arched her back a little. "Just like that."

Moving slowly, Chakotay arched in as deeply as he could on every thrust, matching the motion that had caused her to moan. He tightened his hold on her automatically, then realised he was squeezing against her stomach and instead slid his hand up to her breasts. His fingers feathered lightly across her nipples then more firmly down the fleshy curves, cupping and playing with the soft weight.

He propped himself up on one elbow, wanting to kiss her ear and neck, and the smooth white coolness of her shoulder blade. "You feel so good," he murmured. She was his whole world; being like this with her was home, and everything that mattered, whether she knew it or not. 

Turning her head towards him, Kathryn giggled before she had to moan again instead. Everything, from her breasts on down was over-sensitive and just having his hands on her probably would have done her in. Not that she minded the heady, blissful state of being utterly easy to please. Maybe it was some bizarre combination of drugs and pregnancy, she didn't know. She couldn't, really. Her head floated, and she stroked the back of the hand holding her breast. Then she brought it up to kiss his fingers, lazily one after the other.

Her giggle made him chuckle as well, and he nuzzled the back of her neck. "Something funny?" Chakotay teased, loving her little moans. He nibbled gently on her shoulder and blew a tickling breath across it. Her mouth on his fingers intensified the tingling ache that was crawling up and down his lower back.

He ran his hand down the side of her body, brushing over her ribs, and brought it to rest on her hip. His fingers dug in lightly, holding Kathryn more firmly in place as his thrusts quickened. His breathing was harder and the tingling was a buzz. He closed his eyes and let the thinking part of his mind close down, smothered by the baser need to possess his mate, the mother of his child. Sparks of electricity teased at the edges of his brain, even as the peace and the rightness of being with her like this flooded his soul.

Trying to decide if she should tell him everything was funny, Kathryn didn't bother to talk. He was near his climax and it would be better if she was with him. Thinking herself into an orgasm was ordinarily quite difficult, but with him buried deep within her and the tension that caused all she had to do was give in. Tumbling over the edge, she rolled her head back. The trembling deep within her rushed up, taking her over with warmth.

Her giggling abated into a satisfied gasp, and Kathryn held his hand firmly to her breasts, letting him finish when he was ready.

The tease of her nipples against his fingertips and the clench of her body had him teetering on the edge, and he pushed harder against her hips. He loved her for letting go, loved her for letting him have her. Sucking hungrily on the neck she had exposed to him, Chakotay surrendered and the sparks exploded into fierce pulses of lightning.

He groaned softly, burying his face for a moment in her shoulder as utter contentment flooded through him. Moving away to give her room, he nudged her gently onto her back where he could see her face. Amused, he stroked her cheek. "All right?"

Kathryn licked her lips lazily and bobbed her head against the pillow. "Different light-headed," she joked, resting her fingers on her stomach. "Much more pleasant than the last type," she promised him. The warm dampness of sweat would fade into being cool and sticky soon but for the moment it was incredible.

"Is this all part of your plan?" she asked. Watching his contented smile, she elaborated. "I admit I'm not feeling well and you spoil me. I think I've used the positive rewards method to train puppies..."

"Well, I do believe in rewarding good behaviour," Chakotay smiled, stroking the curve of muscle at the top of her arm. Kissing her temple, he laid down beside her on his side with his head on her pillow.

He ran his fingers lazily down to find her hand, and entwined them with hers. "Kathryn," he said gently, "I do want to know when you're not feeling well, when you're scared, when it feels out of control, all of it. I realise you don't want to upset me, but it's easier for me when you let me in - the way you have been," he rushed to assure her. "I like the way we're handling this. Even when you can see it bothers me, I'd still rather be a part of it."

She rolled her eyes at him lovingly. "You want to be dragged into the bathroom every time I need to empty my stomach?" Kathryn teased, knowing full well he did. She couldn't possible love him any more than she did.

"What would you do if you were me?" she asked curiously. "Would you let me take care of you?"

"If I needed to be taken care of, I would," Chakotay promised. "That's what we do. I love knowing I can turn to you when things go wrong."

A thought warmed his cheeks. "And when I need something," he added quietly. Leaning over, he kissed her jaw. "You took care of me here," he pointed out, using their joined hands to indicate their bodies on the bed.

Giggling, she kissed the tip of his nose. "That's entirely not the same. Sharing something wonderful with you is not even in the same galaxy as sharing something frustrating and exhausting with me. If I threw up by myself, you could get more sleep. You might need it," Kathryn insisted. "If I can't perform some of my duties because the viewscreen makes me feel like there are Denobulan fleas in my stomach, you have to pick up the slack. Being captain isn't easy."

"Taking care of you is," she concluded, wriggling aside so she could get beneath the blankets. "It doesn't really seem fair."

He pulled his section of the covers out from underneath him and helped Kathryn sort them out, snuggling her back in against him. It was chilly.

"I don't have to bear witness to every episode of vomiting," Chakotay lightened his tone. "I know you like to handle what you can and that's great. I'm fine with that. All I care about is that when you need me, you turn to me."

His fingers played lightly through her hair. "It's one thing to have to throw up," he said slowly, thinking about it. "It's another when you're trapped on the bathroom floor, cold and hurting, and feeling like it's never going to end. It took you a long time to trust me when you were feeling afraid or overwhelmed. I guess I'm just reminding you that you do."

Kathryn kissed him, unable to find suitable words for what she wanted to communicate. Lazily meeting his lips, she hung there for awhile before dropping her head back to his chest.

"The anticipation is the worst," she confessed, that was what he wanted. "The actually vomiting isn't so bad, it's the wanting to, and the trying not to, and the viewscreen, and turbolifts-" she sighed heavily and snuggled closer to him. "I hate turbolifts. I'm tempted to take the Jefferies tubes for the next week and see if it helps. I know they don't move that quickly, and there's nothing really wrong with me. My stomach just flips over as soon as the floor starts moving beneath my feet."

"I trust you," Kathryn promised him when she stopped rambling. "I count on the fact that you'll be there when I become really desperate. I might keep you on call more than I call you, but I love knowing I can."

Chakotay nodded, listening to her talk, and smoothed his hand up and down her back. He couldn't imagine having to deal with a constantly ill stomach while he kept up the kind of schedule she did, day after day. "I hate nausea," he offered. "I'd almost rather take a beating."

Mulling over what she'd said next took him a minute longer. "I like that," he decided finally. "Being on call. That's a good way to describe it. We know we can depend on each other for anything."

Nuzzling his neck, she relaxed into the slow rhythm of his hand on her back. Kathryn had forced a great deal of wakefulness out of her drugged, exhausted body and surrendering to sleep was so appealing she kissed him one more time. Speaking took so much energy. Then she let her eyes close, and wondered if the drug would still be working in the morning.


	6. Chapter 6

This letter is addressed to you, Commander," Seven announced immediately after she walked into his office. "I apologise that I did not bring it to you immediately. I was distracted by Captain Janeway and the unborn offspring you share."

While waiting for the letters to download, Captain Janeway had been 'hovering' as Lieutenant Paris would have called it. Seven did not mind her presence. In fact, the company had been very enlightening. Captain Janeway was newly aware of the reflexive motion of her unborn offspring and as a result, she was more emotional. Touchy-feely, according to Ensign Kim. Captain Janeway in a more emotional state was strangely comforting, though Seven was unaware why. She found emotions troubling and confusing. The captain often seemed to be fighting tears when she was pleased. It was illogical and yet, irrationally, Seven liked it.

Perhaps Commander Chakotay would shed light on the matter, provided he did not immediately decide to read his letter and dismiss her. Her questions could wait were that the case. It would take eight-point-three hours for the next letter to download. According to Neelix, that meant she had time. How one could 'have' an non-corporeal concept was apparently irrelevant to the Talaxian. It was unsurprising that his species had so low a threat rating in the Borg database.

Chakotay looked up in amusement as Seven descended upon the ten minutes of calm he'd managed to carve out for himself. The ship was in somewhat of an uproar, although an entirely welcome one, for a change.

A letter from home was not something he'd expected for himself and he smiled briefly at the young woman. A scan of the top lines showed it was from Sveta, the old friend who had recruited him into the Maquis. She'd been arrested and jailed shortly before he'd embarked on the mission that had landed them in the Delta Quadrant. He sat puzzled for a moment, wondering how she'd come to be in a position to write him a letter, then remembered that he'd had her listed as his emergency contact when he was an instructor at the Academy.

Starfleet had really gone all out to ensure that everyone had some communication from home, which was surprisingly thoughtful of them, all things considered. For a moment he allowed himself to imagine that there might be room enough in the Alpha Quadrant for both the official Starfleet crew of Voyager and the former Maquis.

Looking up, Chakotay found Seven watching him expectantly and realised he'd been lost in his own thoughts. "I'm sorry, was there something else?" Her face was the picture of intense concentration, which meant there was more and he suspected he knew what it was about. "How is the unborn offspring this morning?" he asked teasingly. He hadn't seen Kathryn before he'd left for the day.

Since he had not dismissed her, this meant she had the opportunity to ask questions. Commander Chakotay was one of the more patient individuals on board, after Tuvok.

"Captain Janeway remarked that she feels like a teacup with a minnow in it," Seven reported the colourful simile. "She finds it most distracting, yet she does not find the distraction frustrating. Eighty-two percent of the time Captain Janeway resents being distracted. Special dispensation exists for the unborn offspring. It makes her emotional and her emotional responses are confusing. She describes being a "teacup" as unpleasant yet she seems to be very pleased with the offspring. I do not understand."

Eighty-two percent? That estimate seemed on the low side.

Chakotay's mind registered a pang of compassion for the former Borg. So many of the basic human experiences were still a complete mystery to her. Feeling the baby move was brand new, and Kathryn was beyond delighted. She'd woken him twice in the night to describe the sensation.

"You're right, the captain has very little patience with irrelevant distraction," Chakotay agreed, "but people are generally more able to tolerate something they dislike when there's a good reason for it."

Seven look unconvinced, so he tried again gamely. "You know the captain's happy and excited about being a mother. She's also protective of the child even though it's still in her womb. When she feels the baby move, she's reminded that she's going to have something she wants very badly. She also understands that the distractions of pregnancy are not the fault of the child, which is why she isn't irritated by them."

"This method of reproduction is inefficient," Seven commented.

She knew providing information on the superior reproductive methods of the Borg would produce annoyance, and said nothing. Chakotay's explanation was sufficient, but relied heavily on emotions. The captain had not always been as emotional as she was. The additional hormones of the human reproductive cycle made her more emotional and that made the actions of the unborn offspring have more impact.

"You will say that the emotional gains of human pregnancy are worth the distractions and difficult symptoms. I am not sure if I agree, however, my agreement is irrelevant. I appreciate your efforts to help me understand."

He had the vague feeling he'd been dismissed.

"I'm always willing to try," Chakotay said wryly, recognising that something he'd said wasn't sitting well with the young woman. Smiling to take any sting out of his comment, he looked at her thoughtfully. "Seven, you're never going to understand human pregnancy if you try to take the emotional gains out of the equation."

Frowning towards the commander, Seven searched for words. "I find emotions unsettling. The less quantifiable they are, the more unsettling I find them." She kept her hands at her sides, but she wanted to move them. It was a foolish impulse. Fidgeting was not logical.

"Eleven days ago, Captain Janeway still suffered from nausea because of her pregnancy. She did not find that emotionally positive. In fact, she was very frustrated by those symptoms. She described nausea as being profoundly uncomfortable. I do not understand how having your offspring move inside of her is not also profoundly uncomfortable, yet she has a positive emotional response to movement."

"Nausea is profoundly uncomfortable," Chakotay nodded in agreement. He'd thanked the spirits profusely over the past week that that part of it seemed to be behind them. "I can't speak directly to the rest of it, but it's my understanding that the sensation of the child moving is pleasant to the captain. It's not physically uncomfortable, and it reminds her of the life that's growing inside her."

Would he ever be able to discuss his unborn child in a way that didn't make his heart fill to overflowing? 

"It's the beginning of a lifelong bond that begins to form when the child's inside the mother," he said thoughtfully, watching Seven's face for any sign of understanding. "You might even call it an early form of communication."

His respiration had increased slightly and the commander's rate of blinking had also increased. Seven's knowledge of human physical responses said that he was also emotional and he was not even carrying the child.

"Do you look forward to being able to feel the child moving?"

Captain Janeway insisted it would soon be possible, especially with Seven's superior tactile senses. She was slightly unsettled by the idea.

The smile that threatened to split his cheeks came out of nowhere. Damn but he was soft-hearted these days.

He ducked his head automatically for a moment to hide the tenderness that idea elicited in him. There were some things Chakotay couldn't quite share yet, even if he was willing to discuss them more generally.

"Yes, I look forward to it very much." Unsure of whether his next point would make things better or worse for Seven, he decided to keep going. "I also talk to the captain's belly. I want the baby to know my voice, and I want its little spirit to experience my love for it as soon as possible."

Seven contemplated this idea. A human feotus developed hearing about this time and it was possible that he or she could know the commander's voice but it seemed foolish. Irrelevant and unimportant. The child would know who his or her father was. Chakotay talking to him or her would not matter.

Except that it brought him happiness. Which she did not understand. "You enjoy the captain being pregnant. It is pleasurable for you."

It was. In ways he wasn't going to begin to consider explaining to Seven.

"Yes," Chakotay said simply. Taking pity on her confusion, he continued. "It's a very intimate experience for a couple, anticipating the birth of their child. It can bring them closer together."

"Even if the child was unplanned?" she asked. The captain had not intended to become pregnant and Seven knew initially she had hated it. She was willing to embrace the idea. 

"You can be happy and enjoy the experience together."

Discussions with Seven tended to end up in the realm of the confusing, no matter how hard he tried. It wasn't her fault, Chakotay reminded himself.

"I can't speak for every couple who's ever experienced an unplanned pregnancy," he told her patiently, "but in general I think people tend to come to an acceptance of it over time. Particularly if they're in love and committed to spending their lives together."

Now was not the time for a lengthy explanation of unwanted or abandoned children, and it wasn't something he was willing to let cut into his cheerful mood, in any case.

"If an emotional bond exists between a couple they are better prepared to deal with unplanned progeny," Seven rationalised. "Thank you, Commander. I appreciate your counsel. This is very challenging for me. I have no frame of reference. I like having the opportunity to ask."

She nodded to him formally. "Thank you again."

"You're welcome, Seven." She left his office as quickly as she'd entered it and Chakotay was once again alone.

Only...now he had Kathryn on his mind, in a way that he knew from experience he wouldn't be able to shake.

He checked the chronometer. It was close to lunch; maybe he could talk to her into taking a break and joining him in the mess hall.

Sitting at her desk was easier when her work was more interesting than her personal life. Kathryn had retreated to the sofa on the upper level. Having read her mother's letter three times, she had it almost memorised. She'd been so lonely for her mother. Especially since she'd become pregnant. She wanted her to be on Voyager so badly that Kathryn could feel Gretchen's absence like a hole in her soul. Without Chakotay she would have been lost completely.

Gaining admittance to the ready room, Chakotay was surprised to find Kathryn wasn't at her desk. He continued farther in to find her on the sofa, watching out the window. Which meant she had something on her mind. Something fairly significant.

He approached her slowly, gauging her mood. Smiling when she turned to look at him, he moved up beside her. "What's going on?" He spoke informally so she'd know he wasn't there in an official capacity, but she'd have known it anyway. Kathryn had gotten as good at assessing his frame of mind as he was at discerning hers.

Nearly leaping off the sofa, she tossed her arms around his neck. She was so happy she could have glowed.

"My mother," she said, laughing. "Oh Chakotay. My mother-" Kathryn paused and tried to calm herself. Her heart raced in her chest. "She'd be so happy. She'd just love you."

"Your mother..." Chakotay was caught completely off guard, but she was clearly delighted about something. "What does your moth--" He gripped her upper arms and held her out to look at him. "Kathryn, you got a letter?" Her joy was infectious and he hugged her tightly again. According to Neelix, and he'd never admit to anyone he'd asked this, nothing had been downloaded for Kathryn. Seems the little Talaxian was a bit behind on what was happening.

"Seven brought it to me herself," she announced, kissing him cheerfully. "My mother has Molly, poor thing's starting to go grey but she's been an excellent companion." Kathryn beamed at him, then glanced down at her belly. "Your grandmother wrote us."

If there was anything Chakotay thought he understood about Gretchen Janeway, it was how happy she was going to be to know she had not only her daughter back, but a grandchild on the way as well.

Kathryn was almost dancing in his arms. "What else did she say?" He kissed her quickly and pulled her down onto the sofa next to him. "Tell me everything. Don't leave a word out," he teased.

Trying and failing to hold still next to him, Kathryn squeezed his hands giddily. "She's well and happy. She never gave up," she said sweetly. "Molly had three puppies. My sister Phoebe finally found someone she trusts and is happy with. His name is Andrew. He's a chef. Can you imagine?"

Kathryn kissed his cheek and dragged his hand to her belly. Her excitement had their baby squirming within her. If only he could feel it.

Chakotay laughed along with her delight. He couldn't imagine, not knowing Phoebe. Or maybe he could. A chef was a chef. Either way, Kathryn had her family back, even if the distance was still a frustrating, heart-wrenching factor.

"It's wonderful," he affirmed, stroking his hand over the gentle curve of her stomach. "You have a lot to tell her," he said, feeling something that might have verged on shyness, "providing the relay network stays functional." There had been some concern over the containment field, but so far they were still able to access the information.

Frowning over at him, Kathryn crossed her fingers and held them up. "My mother would be over the moon if she knew I was pregnant. She'd be giddy, ecstatic. She's wanted grandchildren for a decade..." Leaning back, she forgot all about the chance it might not work. Her mother was going to know about her grandchild. Soon, Gretchen would be able to sit in her living room and know, somewhere out in the galaxy, her eldest daughter was carrying her first grandchild.

"I want to tell her about you," Kathryn said shyly, kissing his cheek and leaning closer. "She'll love you."

Chakotay hoped that was right. He had his doubts that Kathryn's mother would welcome a wanted criminal into her family; particularly one that was reponsible for the disappearance of her beloved daughter. But he wouldn't rain on Kathryn's parade for anything in the universe.

If he had to win over Gretchen Janeway, he'd do it. There was no way Kathryn was ever going to live with the pain of having to choose.

"I already love her," he promised, kissing Kathryn's forehead. It was true, he did. Anyone that could produce this incredible woman sitting beside him had his eternal love and respect. Not to mention gratitude.

Sighing happily, she snuggled in to his shoulder and wrapped her fingers tighter around his. She couldn't have had better news. The weight she hadn't even known she was carrying was gone. She had her mother back, even just her words and Gretchen was going to love this baby, and his or her father. Chakotay was a traditionalist, domestic, intelligent, and so sweet Kathryn's mother could help loving him.

Her reverie was broken by the twisting, nudging sensation of the baby turning some kind of awkward somersault. Smiling her surprise, she kissed his cheek. "I think he hears you."

"It's 'he' today, is it?" Chakotay teased her, stroking her belly in love. They went back and forth, some days imagining their baby was a girl, on others pretending it was a boy. In reality he had his own idea, but he'd keep it to himself for now.

"Hello in there, yooneh," he murmured, using a derivative of the word his aunt had used to describe small children. "Can you feel your mother's excitement? It's an important day out here." Leaning over, he kissed Kathryn's mouth. "An incredible day."

Pulling reluctantly out of the kiss, she extracted herself from his hands and showed him the PADD.

"I don't think she'll mind if you read it. It gets a little mushy in the middle-" Kathryn paused, nudging a tear out of her eye. Getting overly emotional wouldn't surprise him, but if she started now, she'd never be calm again before the staff meeting.

"Tell him his mother needs him to relax and calm down so she can have a meeting." She closed her eyes, forcing them dry. "If he'd take a nap for the next hour, that would be incredibly useful."

The meeting made him think of why he'd actually sought her out. "We should have something to eat before then," Chakotay suggested. "If you want to get it, I could read the letter?"

He patted Kathryn's stomach once more, wishing he could feel the movements she described, then settled back into the sofa.

Gretchen Janeway reached out across space and time to weave a web of love around her child, writing first about the small things that bind families together - Kathryn's dog, the state of the family home, the yield of the cherry tree (he hadn't even known Kathryn liked cherries). Then she moved into more meaningful topics, writing briefly but honestly - Phoebe's life and love, the death of Kathryn's father's brother, time spent with her friends, and with the families of some of Voyager's crew.

By the time she described being notified that her older daughter was alive and well and roaming through the Delta Quadrant, his own eyes were stinging. Chakotay blinked back his tears as Kathryn returned with their soup, knowing she was trying to regain her own control. No wonder she was certain Gretchen would welcome him. This was a woman who loved with the same ferocity he'd encountered in her daughter. 

"And you can't even blame your hormones," Kathryn teased him. Dipping her bread into her soup, she waited for him to finish her mother's letter and then smirked at him. "See, you'll like her very much when you meet her."

Starfleet might have some other strange ideas about the Maquis when they made it home, but considering the risks Chakotay had been willing to take on Starfleet's behalf, she couldn't see him or anyone else on her crew getting anything less than a full pardon.

If they made it home while that was even an issue. The statute of limitations would certainly run out on the Maquis if it took them the full seventy years. Their son might be a grandparent himself, if that was the case. Thinking about that left her staring off into space.

A shadow had crossed Kathryn's face. "You'll get us home." He believed it, he'd always believed it. "We'll find a way." Chakotay slid an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him, careful not to spill their soup. Kissing her head, he rested his chin there. "You've missed her."

Frowning because it was more difficult to eat with his chin on top of her head, Kathryn escaped and kissed his cheek in apology. Two weeks ago she wouldn't have minded being kept from her lunch, but now she was much more attached to the idea of eating.

"I didn't even think about how much I did miss her," Kathryn replied thoughtfully. "I thought she wrote too much when I was an ensign. Who gets a letter from their parents every week? I was even teased about it."

She finished her soup and ran the crust of her bread around the bottom of the bowl. "Now it feels like one letter is enough to fly the whole way home on."

 

He read the letter a second time, then a third.

Why would Sveta say these things? It didn't make sense. He hadn't known her that well but they were friends. Sometimes they'd flirted with a little more. She'd spent one night with him before he went off on his first assignment. She didn't have a cruel bone in her body.

There was something wrong with the environmental controls in his and Kathryn's quarters. He knew shock could make a person cold, but it was much colder than it should have been. Even at night. He'd have to get somebody to look into that.

The Maquis couldn't be gone. There were thousands and thousands of them, in tiny pockets all over the sector. Sveta knew that.

Chakotay read the letter a fourth time. Who would ally themselves with the Cardassians? It was common knowledge the Cardassians couldn't be trusted. You didn't build an alliance with shit like that.

The icy fist that had grabbed his intestines clenched tighter and he buried his face in his hands.

Simon, Jason, Sacha, Mila, Tyre, Bo, Kynel...faces flashed through his mind, intensifying the dizziness. He lurched his way to the bathroom, barely making it before heaving up every meal he'd eaten in the last four years of his life.

When his body finished its attempts to expel even his stomach, Chakotay sat propped against the wall and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back. The urge to kill someone, anyone, was overwhelming. His mind played over every mission, every Cardassian son-of-a-whore he'd ever murdered, against a backdrop of violent red rage.

He wished for a way to go back in time and do it all again, preferably with his bare hands. Or the dullest, rustiest blade he could find. Diplomacy be damned, this time somebody was going to pay.

The memories slowed and he became aware of the bathroom again. He needed...something. Sliding his tongue over his dry, foul-tasting lips, he struggled to his feet, holding the wall for balance.

Pulling off his sweat-soaked shirt, he splashed some water on his face and rinsed his mouth. A few deep breaths did nothing to calm the shaking of his hands.

Kathryn. He needed Kathryn.

Chakotay dragged himself toward the bedroom. Everything hurt, and standing in the doorway watching her sleep he was overwhelmed with guilt. She was exhausted. He debated leaving it until morning but he couldn't stop the damn shaking.

Fighting the feeling that everything he touched ended up destroyed, he stripped off the rest of his clothing and climbed into bed beside her, desperate to get warm.

It wasn't enough. Reaching out to touch her arm, he called her name softly. She murmured something in reply but didn't wake up, and he tried her again. "Kathryn, I need you." The truth of that permeated every part of him, and brought unexpected tears to his eyes.

Batting away his hand, Kathryn rolled over slightly and reached for her commbadge. She swore she hadn't heard it, but she could barely trust herself. She had the bad habit of imagining things when she was halfway awake.

"Janeway here," she muttered to her commbadge.

Damn. She was so tired, and so was he. Maybe he should just let it go until morning.

He was starting to get warm. The scent of her and the comfort of their bed surrounded him, pulling him back from where he'd been. "It's okay. It's not the bridge, it's me."

Setting down her commbadge and sitting up in surprise, Kathryn blinked sleepily at him. Even through exhausted eyes, it was obvious he was upset. More upset than she may have ever seen him. Shaking off sleep, she curled up on her side to face him.

Reaching up for his cheek, she stroked it slowly. "Then I'm here."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't-- I tried but then I thought--" he was making no sense. "I don't even think it's right. How could it be? It has to be a mistake." Chakotay pulled away from her touch angrily, missed it as soon as it was gone, cursed himself for being stupid, and sat up in the bed.

"I'm sorry," he tried again. "I know I'm--" Her eyes were enormous and looked black in the darkness of the room. She loved him. Kathryn loved him. This one he wouldn't be doing alone. Breathing deeply, he struggled to centre himself. "She says they're dead. I didn't--"

Kathryn sat up, holding the sheet against her naked breasts. She had no idea what she could do to help him, and she wouldn't until she could get him calmed down. "Chakotay," she begged, yawning. "Slower. Who's she? Who's dead? What's going on?"

"I got a letter too," he said, finally finding some words. "I didn't think it was anything. It was from an old friend in the Maquis. She's in prison. I don't know why they let her write to me. I forgot all about it after we heard from your mother..." His focus was fading and he pulled it back firmly. Kathryn had a strong analytical mind. She'd help him figure it out.

"They're dead. All the Maquis. Every last one of them. It was a...slaughter." It was the only word he could think of.

Blinking at him in confusion, Kathryn reached for his shoulder and held it. "Who, Chakotay? Certainly not Starfleet...they'd never. I can't believe they'd allow the Cardassians to commit genocide."

There was something in the briefing she'd received from Starfleet. Four years was a lot of information to go through and she hadn't read through all of it in detail. "The Dominion," her mind supplied. "It was the Dominion, wasn't it?"

He nodded. "They formed an alliance with Cardassia. There's a war...everything's different." Her hand on his shoulder was soothing and grounded him even further. "A war, Kathryn, just like we told them. It all happened exactly like we said. They never intended..." He laughed but the sound was bitter even to his own ears. "Well...all except this. Even I didn't see this coming, I admit."

"Shhh," she murmured, moving her hand to his neck. "There's no way you could have known, nothing you could have done. It's no more your fault than the losses on the Starfleet side are mine." Scooting back to sit against the wall, Kathryn tried to put her thoughts in order. Something more difficult with an exhausted mind and feotal child who was starting to wake up.

"I'm glad you're here," she assured him. "You belonged here, however improbable it was."

Her words were comforting but it was unconscionable that he was here - warm, safe, happy - and they were...gone.

"What the hell kind of an enemy could do this?" Chakotay's head ached with trying to make sense of it, and he slid back down into the comfort of the bed. Closing his eyes, he reached for the comfort of her hand and held tight to its strength. She didn't have any more answers than he did, but she was there. "I'm sorry, Kathryn," he said quietly into the darkness. "I read the letter and I just fell apart. I can't believe it."

Pulling him gently closer, she nudged his head and shoulders into her lap. "You never have to apologise to me for things like this. This is why you have me."

Kathryn ran her hand slowly through his hair when he settled. "Are any of the people you know in prison? Like the woman who sent the letter. Some of them might be alive."

He thought about that, letting her gentle fingers soothe his pounding head. Some of them wasn't much consolation, but Chakotay knew what she was trying to do.

"I don't know," he admitted. "There are a handful with Sveta in New Zealand but no more than that, at least as far as she can tell. Nobody I knew. There are probably a few here and there in other holding camps or detention centres." He shook his head. "Not many of us got caught," he reminded her. "That's the irony. We were good," he pressed a kiss into her palm, "and not everybody is you."

Few in Starfleet could catch the Maquis and even fewer had had any sympathy for their cause. Damn it, he had told them this was where it was heading. It had been insanity for the Federation to get into bed with Cardassia. The useless, agonising waste of it rolled through his chest.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear," she said softly. She hated having to tell him but she couldn't let him wallow in it.

"I know how you feel about most of Starfleet, but I have to believe they wouldn't condone genocide or allow it to occur. The Federation has taken losses at the hands of the Dominion that defy understanding. They might possibly be evil and evil does get stopped someday, we have to believe in that." They couldn't bring a child into a world that didn't have light to fight against the darkness.

Kathryn leaned down and kissed his forehead. "I did catch you, but it took some unconventional tactics."

Chakotay tensed automatically at her words.

"I'm not saying they supported genocide, but they made a series of decisions that laid the foundation for it, intentional or not. They sold out a portion of the population for politics then refused to entertain the idea that a mistake had been made even when the evidence was irrefutable. I'll always be angry about that. Especially now."

A wave of sadness choked his heart and he was silent for a moment, playing his fingers against hers. "I'd give anything to have been wrong," he said quietly. "Knowing the entire Federation took similar losses to ours doesn't make it any better. I never wanted that kind of vindication." He knew she understood that. She understood him. Kathryn was letting him talk.

Shaking his head angrily didn't change his thoughts as he'd hoped. Sighing, Chakotay raised up and tugged gently on her arm. "Lie down," he invited. "This will all keep and I'm all right now." He kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

Now that she'd finally dragged herself awake, he wanted to sleep. Kathryn shook her head in silent frustration. Now wasn't the time to argue politics with him, especially not something that was such an old argument between them.

"It's what I'm here for," she promised. Slipping back down into bed, Kathryn rearranged the sheets and wished the baby would listen to his father's suggestion. The subtle but continuous nudging within her abdomen was distracting enough that it might take some time to get back to sleep.

"Thank you for waking me up." She kissed his shoulder as he lay next to her. "We'll make it."

"Come here," Chakotay pulled her into his arms, feeling her irritation. "I know we don't agree on Starfleet. I'm wrecked, Kathryn. I'm furious and devastated, and I had to talk about it." He pulled the blankets up around her. "Don't be mad at me tonight," he said softly. "Be mad at me tomorrow, but not tonight."

Resting her head on his chest put her hips in an odd position and when the baby moved again she winced slightly and shifted back. "I'm not mad," Kathryn promised, kissing him several times before she rolled onto her back. "I'm not angry at all. Well, maybe a little at myself because I'm terrible at falling asleep. Then there's this little someone nudging at my stomach and I can't quite call it uncomfortable but she's really worked up about something."

"I love you. I love our family. I love that you're here with me because I can't imagine my life being any other way. So, no, Chakotay, I'm not mad."

It bothered him that now it would take her so long to get back to sleep but he couldn't think what else he could have done.

Exhausted and empty, he slid back to give her room. The one small consolation was that at least she'd have company. There was no way his mind was slowing down enough for him to sleep either.

Taking his hand, she rested it on her stomach. He might not be able to talk to her now, but Chakotay knew she was there. That would have to be enough for tonight.

"I love you," she repeated, turning her head towards his shoulder. "I really love you. Especially when you're wrecked."


	7. Chapter 7

Her leg was still sore. Projectile weapons hurt a lot more than a phaser blast while they healed. Kathryn couldn't complain about it, because Chakotay would inevitably get that look that said, 'you let my baby be shot at' and she'd have to remind him that he would have agreed, if he hadn't still thought he was an American captain. Though he made a very good looking one.

The Doctor, who had released her, and Tom, who was quietly becoming her default obstetrician because she responded better to him, were both content that the baby was all right. Even though the poor child had been through the same wringer her parents had been through, she was perfectly healthy.

"Do you think she was still yours?" she asked lazily, looking up at him from the sofa as he worked at the table. "The baby, I mean. Do you think my French restaurateur was involved with a Yankee?"

Chakotay looked up in amusement. He could afford to be casual, now that she and the baby were all right. That any of them had survived the simulations was nothing short of miraculous.

He still had vague memories of how he'd perceived the world as Captain Miller, odd little imprints on his mind of how he'd responded to the gung ho leader of the French resistance.

A portion of which, Paris had informed him gleefully, in a strange twist of fate also went by the designation 'Maquis'. Who said the Delta Quadrant didn't have a sense of humour?

Fathoming a scenario where he didn't love Kathryn was impossible. "I think," he said thoughtfully, smiling a lazy, full-dimpled, somewhat smug grin in her direction, "that there is no universe, time frame, or circumstance of any kind in which that baby you're carrying so gracefully would not be mine."

Rolling her eyes, Kathryn snorted her disagreement. Grace had little to do with her being pregnant. Maybe some women were, but she'd become clumsy, as if her body was all entirely unaware of how it functioned. She dropped PADDs in meetings, tripped over her own feet and most disappointingly for her, had developed an alarming tendency to spill beverages on the table in front of her.

"Gracefully?" she repeated, eyebrow raised. "You must be talking about some other member of the resistance. I was the one who fell off the perfectly flat transporter pad into Tuvok's arms last week."

Laughing in spite of himself, Chakotay stood and stretched. Draining the last of his tea he wandered over to the replicator for more. Kathryn was right; her coordination had definitely been off. From what he'd heard from the transporter chief, Tuvok hadn't even blinked, simply helping her regain her balance before asking if she'd prefer to be carried to her quarters.

"All right, so graceful's maybe not the word. I definitely think there was something between Captain Miller and Katrine. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and not just when I was following you in the Jefferies tube." Handing her a fresh cup, he sat beside her on the sofa and propped his legs up on the table. "It was a romantic period in Earth's history. Danger tends to be an aphrodisiac after all." 

"I did like the hat," Kathryn teased him. His helmet had been surprisingly attractive, even rakish, with his olive drab uniform.

"Must be a good thing our work's never dull," Kathryn mused. She eyed her tea on the table and decided that she should wait for it to cool before she picked it up. Just to be safe.

"I wish I still spoke French."

Chakotay raised his eyebrows at her. "Me too." Leaning his head back he scrubbed his hands quickly over his eyes. Too many hours of staring at PADDs.

"How's the leg?" he was curious. It was clearly still bothering her but she hadn't said a word.

He had to ask, didn't he? Shifting on the sofa, Kathryn folded her right leg underneath herself. That one was fine and moving had taken some of the stiffness out of the other. They hadn't talked too much about it but he'd put her in a tough place. She hated complaining about physical problems, and she'd barely managed to cope with the pregnancy. Kathryn's first impulse was to say everything was fine but Chakotay wouldn't want that. He wanted her to say it was stiff and that it frustrated her.

She frowned, admitting her discomfort was not something she wanted to do. "Stiff," she said finally, "but it's healing. Projectile weapons are crude."

The thought of Kathryn being hunted through the corridors of Voyager made him want to pummel the weaselly little Hirogen who'd done it into the carpeting. "That would be the 'not-romantic' part of that era," Chakotay said wryly. His fingers slid over Kathryn's briefly in a gesture of reassurance - for her or him, he wasn't sure.

Feeling protective of Kathryn wasn't new, or necessary for that matter, but he'd never been able to break himself of the inclination. For the most part Chakotay kept it to himself, trusting her and speaking up only when absolutely necessary - although his version of necessary and hers tended to differ. The baby added a new element that he wasn't entirely used to. He was still working out how he felt about that.

"Danger is romantic until it ends in someone being shot," she teased, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "I am grateful, however dangerous the Delta Quadrant might be, I think having this baby here is preferable to Nazi-occupied France. Unless of course, the Americans were coming to liberate us all."

Wrinkling her nose slightly, she rubbed her left side with her hand. Their baby grew stronger every day and the nudging became stronger, like the minnow was becoming a larger fish. "Your daughter never sleeps."

Running a hand over Kathryn's stomach, Chakotay grinned in acknowledgement. "How come she's my daughter when she's misbehaving?" His palm was warm even over her uniform. Kathryn's body seemed to run at a higher temperature generally and he made a mental note to ask Tom about it.

"Yooneh, I know you're excited to explore the world," he murmured to the belly. "Much like someone else, you have a hard time waiting when there's something to discover." He stroked gently. "We're glad you're eager, but your mother would appreciate the occasional moment of rest." 

"Between the two of us, who's the rebel soldier?" Kathryn reminded him with mock sincerity. "I have an excellent service record. I used to follow orders, when I still had someone to give them to me more often than every few years through an alien communications relay."

He talked to their child far more than she did. She still felt a little foolish, but Chakotay would say the sweetest things. She had a special soft spot in her feelings for him for that. Slipping all the way out of her already open jacket, she left it on the table. "You can't just blame impatience. I'm not a fidgeter. Maybe she gets that from my sister."

"She's getting bigger," Chakotay said, quietly proud. "She, or he, is going to need a name. We've never talked about it." He looked at Kathryn curiously. "Have you given it any thought?"

"I have a hard enough time naming all the shuttles we go through." Kathryn smirked at him and moved his hand over where the baby's foot was digging into her side. Holding his hand there, she let her mind wander through names she knew.

"I haven't given it any thought at all. Is that terrible of me?"

Chakotay bumped his shoulder against her in acknowledgment of the shuttle comment, then shook his head. "Me neither," he confessed, "not at all." Pressing his fingers into Kathryn's flesh, he attempted to shift the baby back a little. Hesitantly, he looked at her. "I don't want to seem insensitive, but...time's passed quickly. We're almost halfway." 

"I don't know if I like that or if it terrifies me." She closed her eyes and let her head fall back. His hand didn't calm the baby, but the counter-pressure took away some of the strange discomfort. "I've barely managed to read the section on the third trimester that the Doctor gave us. Tom's threatening to give me a quiz at my next appointment."

"You'd better be prepared," Chakotay chuckled. "I wouldn't put it past him." Tom's involvement was the best thing that could have happened. Kathryn responded intuitively to his easy, low-key manner and he could see her confidence growing with every appointment.

"Do you worry about what it'll be like for us once she's born?" Kathryn hadn't talked much about her fears. "I know you have some concerns about balancing the baby and the ship, but beyond that. When you see us as parents, when you see yourself as a mother, what do you picture?" Chakotay let his head rest on the back of the sofa, considering it. "Have you been around babies much?" He turned to face her and grinned wickedly. "I know you can disassemble and reassemble a warp core, but can you change a diaper?"

"I can!" Sitting up straighter and lifting her head, she nodded. "I had to babysit for my aunt and uncle when I was young. My parents thought it was important. I never warmed to babies though. You can't teach them much, but children learn so quickly. He'll be able to add by the time he's three, I promise."

Thinking more seriously, Kathryn racked her memories. She knew some, but they'd need help, especially with their positions. She'd probably barely be out of sickbay before the first red alert.

"We'll need volunteers to help look after him. People to hold him while we can't."

As always her mind went first to Voyager, but that was all right. Only once the captain's concerns were assuaged would he get a hint about what Kathryn's might be.

"Actually, Neelix has volunteered to organise a sort of baby cooperative. The idea being that with so many people missing the children in their own lives, they might benefit from time spent with ours." Chakotay smiled, remembering their morale officer's earnest explanation. "Apparently he can arrange it so that someone is ready and willing to step in at any given moment, when the need arises. He's going to make an appointment to discuss it with me sometime in the next month."

"Good. We're going to need it, aren't we?" Kathryn stared down at the slight rise of her stomach. As much as the crew depended on her, she was going to have to depend on them to raise her child when they couldn't. She'd have to trust them and hand off her child to anyone with open arms when she needed to. It was sweet of Neelix to organise it, and he might have a point.

"Tuvok has already volunteered. Sam Wildman told me she'd be willing to look after our child whenever she can. Neelix, of course. Seven volunteered that she is capable of caring for the needs of an infant and that she is patient enough to not be bothered by constant crying. Which, apparently our child will do."

"Well there's something to look forward to - constant crying." Trust Seven. Fortunately Kathryn tended to take the young woman's bluntness in stride.

"Ayala spoke to me as well, said if we needed a hand all we had to do was call. He misses his sons." A large man with enormous physical strength, a fierce temper, and one of the softest hearts toward children Chakotay had ever seen, the former Maquis was more than capable of helping. He patted Kathryn's shoulder. "We are going to need it. It'll take a bit of getting used to, but we have to be absolutely certain someone can step in for us at a moment's notice."

"I don't want to have to take him onto the bridge. He needs to be somewhere safe." It was a heavy thought, but they'd have support.

She didn't know much about Ayala, but she knew he had left children behind. A lot of their crew had and most of them didn't have the luxury of having another. Though couples formed on the ship faster than they had initially, their baby would be alone with Naomi for awhile. At least until someone else became pregnant. Kathryn had to admit it would be easier to counsel the next member of her crew who became pregnant. Now she'd know the fear in that diagnosis, and just maybe she'd have something wise to say.

"How long do you think it'll be before he resents us for putting the ship first?"

It was a reasonable question. Unfortunately.

"Probably from the first time it happens," Chakotay admitted, "but I have to believe we'll be able to help him with that. Not make him feel guilty or ashamed for wanting us, even when we can't be there. Let him know it's okay to be angry when that happens." He remembered well what it was to know he was a disappointment to his own father for some of the things he felt and believed. It killed him to think their child could ever feel the same way. It couldn't happen, wouldn't happen, not as long as there was breath in his body.

Rolling her head to the side, Kathryn patted the back of Chakotay's hand. The baby was starting to wear himself out by nudging her stomach. Maybe he'd eventually go to sleep.

"I've heard that being a parent is never easy, but there has to be a point where the additional challenges are becoming unfair. Did we sign up for terribly busy parenting and not notice?"

"Sure we did," Chakotay said affectionately, turning his hand over to play with her fingers. "You remember. It was on the same PADD where you agreed to change your three-week mission to a lifelong commitment to charting the farthest known reaches of space, exist on leola root and replicated coffee, live most of your waking hours in a uniform, incur the wrath of every xenophobic race in existence, and rebuild your ship from scratch every few weeks or so. Paris calls it the DQ package."

Laughing helplessly, she buried her head in his shoulder. Kathryn tried to catch her breath, but failed and her laughter continued. Curling up in a ball next to him, she giggled for some time.

"The DQ package. Well now. I should have been paying more attention when I signed that one."

He loved making Kathryn laugh, and the warmth of her lighthearted giggling spread through him, making him lean down and kiss her. "Tom says to always read the fine print," he said seriously. "Keep that in mind next time."

Still laughing, even as he kissed her, Kathryn pulled her knees closer then remember how difficult it was to sit that way. Crossing them both beneath her, she took a deep breath and forced down her giggles.

"I'll have to find a way to make sure he's suitably punished." Resting both of her hands on her stomach, she sighed contentedly. "Chakotay, I know it's a little soon to talk about it, but, I think I'd like to have Tom there when this little guy is born. I think...it might mean a lot to him."

"Whatever you want," he said agreeably, happy she was thinking about it. Paris would be a calming, uncomplicated presence at a time when the focus would need to be one hundred percent on Kathryn. "Were you...thinking of having him do the delivery?" he asked curiously. That might be tricky, with the Doctor's legendary ego, but Chakotay would support what made her comfortable. She already trusted Tom with most of her appointments and questions, and so did he, as he thought about it. When had that happened?

"Apparently they're not too difficult." She kept her tone light and tried to sort out her thoughts. What was it about Tom? The Doctor was technically more proficient, and she did trust him but he argued with her. He'd fought her all through her pregnancy so far.

"Deliveries, I mean." She'd read that part of the reading list. Maybe even gone into too much detail. "The Doctor might be needed elsewhere. I've read that first babies can take a long time."

Kathryn dropped her eyes and then lifted them with a wry smile.

"Tom makes me laugh. I...well, I like that about him."

Chakotay drew a finger across her cheek. The blue eyes were wide with vulnerability but behind them her mind was busy.

"I think it's a good idea," he said honestly. "I've been reading some too. It's not like the Doctor isn't within range if he's needed, and in the meantime you should have whatever makes you comfortable and secure." He wondered what the circumstances would be, whether he'd be able to be there like he was hoping. He couldn't imagine being on the bridge while Kathryn was labouring to deliver their child, but it was a possibility, at least for part of the time.

It was the only concern that kept him awake at night, and if it had to happen, he wanted her with people that would take care of not only her body, but her heart.

"Sometimes I can't believe we're doing this."

Kathryn leaned slightly into the touch on her cheek, relaxing into the warmth of his hand. She closed her eyes for a moment. She could handle pain, of course, and that didn't frighten her. It was the idea of losing so much control and being that helpless for such a long period of time. Chakotay would be there, if he could, but he couldn't deliver the baby for her. That was something she'd have to do on her own. It was the first thing in a long time that had terrified her.

Chakotay nodded. Pulling her in easily he brushed his lips across her forehead, then rested his own cheek against it for a moment. "It's still so hard to believe, isn't it?" he mused. "We'll just have the hang of you being pregnant and then we'll be parents and it'll be a whole new set of things to figure out. I'm looking forward to it, but sometimes it still feels like it's all happening to somebody else."

"They can show up any time and take over."

It was a cruel joke, and it felt that the whole thing was going to reset and she'd wake up alone, without someone jabbing at her stomach from the inside. Yet, Chakotay was still here and the baby was starting to calm within her. Maybe he'd even sleep for a while.

Toying with the edge of his shirt, Kathryn looked up shyly. "Maybe that's why couples do this again. Maybe we'll have to repeat the experiment."

"It could only be easier the second time," Chakotay grinned at the look on her face. Some part of Kathryn's heart was reveling in the possibilities, even as her mind worked steadily to keep the day-to-day details of their life in order. "Nothing will ever be as shocking as finding out about this one. I came as close to fainting as I ever want to come," he teased, remembering her disclosure in the ready room.

"We made it this far, Kathryn," he reminded her, sliding his fingers around to stroke the back of her neck. "We'll make it the rest of the way. After that, who knows? I might be persuaded to knock you up again." Tom and B'Elanna's vernacular amused him every time for some reason.

Smacking his shoulder, she pulled away in mock indignation. Kathryn took his hand from her neck and set it down on the sofa between them.

"It has always taken very little persuasion on my part to get you to the point where you could knock me up," she said primly.

"Oh no, I think you're confused," he said seriously. "I was barely interested. I just wanted to be friends, colleagues - perfectly content with the platonic relationship we'd worked out."

Pulling her onto his lap, he nipped playfully at her neck. "Then you seduced me and had your wanton way with me."

Kathryn giggled again, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and trying to keep her balance. Without his arms, she wouldn't have been able to do it. She'd become so terribly clumsy. Leaning in to kiss him, she was about to correct her version of events when the door chimed.

Dropping her head to his shoulder, she groaned in dismay and began pulling herself off his lap.

"Come."

Harry entered just as Kathryn was getting to her feet. Standing up, though appearing simple enough, proved wrought with complications and she tripped.

Muffling a curse in deference to Harry, Chakotay dove to catch her, just barely missing.

Harry looked like he wanted to melt into the carpet, not that Chakotay could blame him. Seeing his commanding officers in a tangle of arms and legs no doubt left him at a loss, and brushing off awkward moments had never been Harry's strong point. "At ease, Ensign," Chakotay said wryly, struggling to help Kathryn to her feet.

"Sorry." Kathryn muttered her apology to Chakotay and then turned to Harry with another one. "I'm all right, Ensign, I promise. What can I do for you?"

"Captain, Commander." Harry stiffened up and looked past them at the stars outside their window. "I wanted to report that we've finally sealed the breach in holodeck two. We're still removing the holoemitters in the surrounding decks. The repair crews need you to sign off on their progress, Captain."

Letting go of Chakotay's supporting arms, Kathryn crossed to Harry and took the PADD from his hands. She looked it over then added her name on the bottom. As she handed it back to Harry, she fumbled, nearly dropping the PADD. Harry caught it neatly and looked at with barely suppressed terror.

"Sorry." Kathryn smiled weakly. "Sorry, sorry."

Taking pity on them both, Chakotay moved a little closer. "Captain," he chided, "I've told you before, it's not good to throw things at the crew. They get intimidated that way and you don't get the best performance out of them." He winked at Harry in an effort to put the young man at ease. Harry was never particularly comfortable when he had to make a trip to their quarters, and that little display had done nothing to help him relax.

"That's good work on the repairs," Chakotay said casually. "They're progressing faster than estimated."

"Thank you, sir." Harry couldn't hang on to the PADD and stand fully at attention and he was trying to compromise between the two. "My team works very well, sir."

"I am sorry." Kathryn couldn't do anything except look at Harry with a still apologetic expression. "I didn't mean to--"

Harry was still in the doorway, and with it open, Tom strolled in, with yet another PADD.

Two sirs out of poor Harry. So much for helping him relax. Kathryn looked close to miserable and Chakotay eyed her with compassion. Harry was dear to her heart and she hated to see him upset or to feel she'd fallen short of his expectations in any way.

Shaking his head internally, he raised an eyebrow at Paris in greeting. Why not. He certainly couldn't complain. They'd had almost an hour without interruption, which considering the amount of work going on was nothing short of incredible. Chakotay wondered how much of that time away from ship's business had been deliberately orchestrated on their behalf.

"Mr. Paris." Kathryn nodded in welcome and brightened up a little. Maybe Harry would relax with Tom here.

She held up her hands pathetically. "Don't hand me the PADD. Please, save yourself. Just tell me what it says."

"Yes, ma'am," Tom grinned agreeably, nodding to Chakotay. He couldn't tell what had been going on but the captain was flustered, Chakotay was frowning a little, and Harry just looked desperate.

"Sorry to interrupt. I brought you the report on our repairs of the navigational array...but, maybe you'd prefer the commander sign off on it?" She was backing away from the PADD like it was contaminated.

"Yes, please." Kathryn dredged up the best smile she could. Having Chakotay sign things was much safer than her touching anything. "That might be less embarrassing for everyone involved."

Harry cleared his throat and backed up safely behind Tom. "Thank you, Captain, Commander."

Dismissing him was one of the kinder things she could do, and Kathryn nodded. "Keep up the good work, Mr. Kim."

Chakotay smiled gamely at Harry but the young man never even looked his way. Sighing, he took the PADD from Tom and gave it a quick scan before attaching his name. "Nothing different from what was reported earlier, I assume?"

Tom nodded. "That's right. Everything's on schedule, Commander." He raised his eyebrows slightly at Chakotay. Now that Harry was gone he might have a chance of finding out what had happened. If he played it exactly right.

Fortunately Chakotay took pity on him. "The coordination problem seems to be getting worse."

Tom nodded sympathetically at the captain and resisted the urge to consider how that might have played out. "That could continue for a while yet." He'd been reading up exhaustively on pregnancy so he'd be prepared to answer their questions. "But hey," he grinned at her, "it's got to be better than the nausea."

Kathryn looked helplessly from Chakotay to Tom but smiled a little easier. "It is a definite improvement but it's a little more disconcerting for everyone else. I feel like I should keep my hands tied to my sides. I can barely cross an empty floor without tripping over my own feet--"

The conversation had wandered a good ways from the navigational array, but if she didn't ask, Chakotay probably would.

"And I'm hot."

Voyager had always been pleasantly comfortable, because it was designed that way but lately Kathryn's uniform was stuffy and she wasn't content until she was down to her tank top, as she was now.

"That's completely normal too, isn't it?"

"It is," Tom assured them both. His heart warmed a little at how earnestly they wanted to understand every detail.

"Your metabolism's running higher than you're used to. Your body's got a lot more to get done these days and the extra heat is the result of all that activity." He shrugged, not unkindly. "Unfortunately, even a mild temperature change feels extreme to the person experiencing it. It shouldn't last too long," he offered. "It's another one of those things that straightens itself out after a bit of time."

Kathryn rolled her eyes at herself and avoided Tom's eyes. "Like the danger I pose to everything not bolted down to the deck?"

She felt worse about all of this than she was letting on. Not that that was a real surprise; she was used to being in total control. "Don't worry, Captain," he said cheerfully. "Voyager's tough."

Tom turned his head toward the door, intending to get himself dismissed, but stopped short. Did she think people were bothered by it? Harry...

"You know," he said casually, "I hope this is okay to say, but there's a lot of excitement about the baby among the ranks."

Kathryn found that difficult to believe. She was willing to make the effort, but it was hard to imagine other people were excited about the baby.

"Because it gives them a nice distraction? How many times can the captain drop the duty roster today?"

She ended it with a smile she half-meant. It was sweet of Tom to try and make her feel better.

"No, ma'am," Tom looked from the captain to Chakotay in surprise. Then he grinned in acquiescence. "I'm not saying your recent lack of equilibrium has gone entirely unnoticed. But that's not what people are focusing on."

Chakotay's look darkened. "Just what are people focusing on?"

Tom held his hand up, "Nothing bad, I promise. I'm not saying the entire population of Voyager is obsessed about your personal life." This was thinner ice than he'd anticipated but he wanted her to know. "People do ask me about it though. Mostly they want to know if the captain's okay." He smiled at Janeway. "Then they want to know what you're having. I, of course, am the model of discretion and say nothing. Even though I do know." He winked. Having that extra piece of knowledge amused him to no end.

"I tell them the truth, that the captain's as happy and healthy as she appears, and that anything else is none of their business."

At Chakotay's protective look, Kathryn touched his arm, reminding him they could handle a little scrutiny. Just like Naomi Wildman, in a way their baby belonged to all of Voyager and sharing the experience of her pregnancy was just an extension of that.

"Perhaps it will help the crew." Both men looked at her curiously and Kathryn shrugged. "We have to start contemplating the fact that it could take us all longer than we'd like to get home. Naomi and little baby hyperactive here-" she touched her stomach for emphasis, "can't do it on their own. They'll need a crew. Unless we find our way home soon, Chakotay and I are not going to be alone in needing childcare. Perhaps it's part of building a community."

Turning her smirk on Tom, she pointed at him in warning. "I don't want anyone else knowing if Chakotay's getting a son or a daughter. I'll take away both your and the Doctor's holodeck privileges for the next decade."

"Of course not, Captain," Tom nodded. That part was no joke and he would sooner die than betray the trust she'd placed in him.

"People feel hopeful," he offered thoughtfully, picking back up on her earlier thought. "So many things go wrong and tensions are always running high. If you and the commander can build a life out here, it makes them think that anybody can."

Chakotay nodded. What Paris said made a lot of sense. "We appreciate your discretion." He was surprised by how much of a comfort it was to know the younger man was by their side through this.

Happy they understood the crew's interest, Tom grinned charmingly. "I promise, I'd never tell anyone that you're having a-- ooooh, Captain." He batted his eyelashes at her. "Sorry there. Almost spilled the beans."

Fixing Tom with a mocking version of her death glare, Kathryn put her hands on her hips. He never would tell either of them, but there were twenty long weeks where he could tease them with it. She always had her secret weapon. Talking about Tom's suitability as a father really made him blush, but she didn't want to have to resort to that. She'd be nice instead.

"Be careful, Tom, if you give away the secret I'll let Chaos-man have his wicked way with you." Or whomever that holodeck villain was. Narrowing her eyebrows as the baby started up again, Kathryn glanced at both of them and ended with her eyes on Chakotay. "How much longer before other people can feel mystery baby and he or she isn't just a figment of my imagination?"

Chakotay smiled at Kathryn as her blue eyes studied him. He was eager to hear the answer to that question himself.

"It varies." Tom began his answer, then paused as he watched something pass between the captain and the commander. He studied the floor for a second discreetly then cleared his throat and resumed. "The average is around twenty-three weeks, but it can sometimes be earlier. Definitely some time in the next month."

"Not too much longer," Chakotay murmured.

"Right," Tom affirmed. More time had passed than he'd intended. "Don't worry, Captain," he said as he moved a little toward the door. "I won't do anything to incur Chaotica's wrath. Or yours."

Chaotica, that was it. Kathryn filed that into her stubborn memory and hoped she'd remember it for next time she needed to threaten him with something. It would certainly be within the next month. Unsure whether she should press again the dangers of her wrath, or just let Tom back out gallantly, Kathryn was reprieved from having to decide when Seven strolled in behind him.

Maybe she should have stayed on the bridge.

The former Borg looked from Tom to the captain and brought her hands neatly to her sides. "I hope I am not interrupting."

"Of course not, everyone's visiting us today." Kathryn's sarcasm was lost on Seven, but she thought the two men might have heard it. "What do you need, Seven?"

"Lieutenant Torres' plan to repair the hologrid is inefficient. This restructuring of resources will have the holodeck functioning again in eighteen hours less time." Seven handed over a PADD and luckily, Kathryn managed to take it without incident.

She glanced over it quickly. "Seven, engineering crews need more than six hours a night of sleep."

Handing it to Chakotay, Kathryn brought her hand to her forehead and rubbed the headache forming between her eyes.

Chakotay swallowed a grin and accepted the PADD sympathetically. Kathryn's patience was wearing thin, something Seven didn't necessarily recognise.

"It's always good to look for more efficient ways of doing things," he said diplomatically, "but the captain's right. You can't work people into the ground while you're doing it."

Tom snorted. "Better not show that schedule to B'Elanna." Seven was always good for a little entertainment value.

"Why would Lieutenant Torres not appreciate having a more efficient method of working?" Thoroughly confused, Seven turned to the captain for clarification.

Kathryn took the PADD from Chakotay and handed it back to Seven with a pat on the shoulder. "Because even Lieutenant Torres needs her sleep. It's a good idea, but we do better by being less efficient. We're only human."

"Being human is inefficient." Seven frowned, tightening her forehead. "However, I will defer to the captain."

"Thank you Seven, Tom. Both of you. Thank you so much for working so hard."

Tom recognised 'now get out' when he heard it, even couched in polite terms. "Come on, Seven, no rest for the wicked." He raised a hand to block her protest/question/comment before she could form it. "I'll explain on the way."

The door slid closed behind them but Chakotay stood, momentarily dazed, then rubbed a hand over his face. Turning to Kathryn, he shook his head. "They're...exuberant."

"The next time I think I'm annoyed with Mr. Paris, remind me how much I love his ability to hear the subtleties of tone."

Kathryn crossed her arms, resting her forehead on her hand for a long time before she smiled up wearily at Chakotay.

"Hopefully they'll be this exuberant about babysitting."

Chakotay moved to stand behind her, pulling her flush against him. He slid his hands around to her belly and rested his cheek on the top of her head. Soaking her in for a moment, he kissed her neck before releasing her.

"I could use a glass of wine. Do you want anything?"

Shaking her head as she ran through the list of things she wanted versus the things she could actually have, Kathryn sighed and wandered over to the replicator. She started paging through lazily.

"What I want is definitely off the list."

Returning to the sofa with a sigh of relief, Chakotay propped his feet up on the table. He chuckled empathetically at Kathryn's distress. "What's that?"

Rolling her eyes at the replicator, Kathryn turned to him with her hands on her hips. "Beer, the dark kind from Earth. A raspberry starduster and a mint-chocolate butterfly nebula. Phoebe bartended for a while when she was young. She could make a starduster glow all the way down."

Taking his wine and her virgin raspberry bubbling thing that was not a starduster, she walked to him with extreme caution.

"When I'm done nursing I'm having eight cups of coffee to celebrate."

He held his breath as Kathryn approached with the drinks but she made it down beside him without mishap.

"When your body is well and truly yours again, you'll have whatever you want," Chakotay vowed happily and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I'm already saving up the replicator rations." He was teasing, but really, it wasn't such a bad idea.

"Months from now." Kathryn poked at the raspberry on top, then ate it.

She frowned down at her breasts, then smiled over at him pathetically.

"I finally went up a bra size today."

Chakotay inhaled and choked a little on his wine.

"Good to know," he managed. Clearing his throat, he set down his drink and turned to face her. "But you can't really depend on technology to keep track of these things for you," he smiled innocently, tracing his fingers lightly over her breasts.

"I thought you'd already noticed." She smiled innocently at him. "You pay more attention to them than I do. At least, more intent attention."

She popped a raspberry in her mouth and calculated the odds they could make love before someone needed something.

The door chimed. She'd been right.

Chakotay sighed in recognition. It had been a long shot. He pulled back from Kathryn with a shrug of resignation and granted admittance to whoever was in the corridor.

The door slid open to reveal the chief of security with a PADD in his hand. "Tuvok, please, come in," Chakotay said pleasantly. "You're late."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "I did not give a time of arrival and therefore cannot be late. However, I am willing to allow your attempt at levity."

He approached the captain, who was toying with the fruit in her drink.

"I have a final security report on the Hirogen." He handed it over but ended up having to rescue it from the floor when she fumbled the PADD.

"I'm sorry, Tuvok." Kathryn sighed and brushed her hands on her uniform as if it would help. "I was distracted."

"Your child is especially active."

Something in the way Tuvok spoke made Chakotay think it was more than just an idle comment. "Are you surmising that," he asked curiously, "or can you tell for yourself?"

Blushing a little, Kathryn waved Tuvok over onto the sofa next to her and let the PADD sit forgotten on the table.

"Tuvok was telling me how he was able to calm his children when they were in the womb, so T'Pel could sleep."

Tuvok nodded serenely and folded his hands in his lap. It was not normally discussed with non-Vulcans, but the captain was his friend and Chakotay was her family.

"Vulcan parents are more in touch with their offspring while they are in utero. Both parents are able to communicate with the child on a very basic level. Vulcan children are aware of their parents when they are born. This makes the moments after birth less traumatic than those of other species. Vulcans also possess the superior tactile sensitivity to make feeling foetal motion easier than it would be for you."

It was unusual for Tuvok to disclose something so personal and Chakotay was touched.

Fascinated, he looked from Tuvok to Kathryn and back. "Is it part of the parental bond, or is it something in your telepathic abilities?" He grinned, knowing he was entirely transparent in his eagerness. "I'm wondering if you can sense anything about our child."

Tuvok looked at Kathryn before he spoke. The captain nodded warmly and reached for his wrist. Normally Vulcans were very sensitive to physical contact, but Kathryn and her chief of security had shared a few mind melds and Tuvok was fairly relaxed around her.

"It is easier with my own children. Whether it is because they are Vulcan or because I am their father I am unsure. However, I am able to make my presence known to your child."

Kathryn beamed then, pulling Tuvok's hand over to rest on her belly. "He stops, whatever he's doing. I think he's completely fascinated."

"It is more likely that he shares my emotional calm."

"That's incredible," Chakotay murmured, reaching automatically for Kathryn's free hand. The idea that their child was being soothed, and that he was aware of something beyond the womb, even in the most basic way, made his throat tighten.

Leaning over to him, Kathryn kissed his cheek. "The incredible part is that he stops. Tuvok's rescued me from not being able to pay attention at all on the bridge twice now."

"Perhaps you should consider the meditation exercises I suggested. It seems you could also benefit from emotional calm. You may be less distracted if you are able to make peace with your pregnancy."

Kathryn sighed and shook her head defensively. "I feel like a prisoner in someone else's body. I can't move without knocking things down and the baby nudging my internal organs is incredibly strange."

Chakotay shot Tuvok a look of gratitude. He'd tried at different times to get Kathryn to embrace her spiritual self, but it hadn't caught on and he hadn't wanted to push.

Not wanting her to feel ganged up on, he chose his words carefully. "Meditation, in whatever form you choose, might make it easier to integrate the whole experience."

"Only if the little one in there can be still."

Kathryn frowned at Chakotay and glanced over at Tuvok. It was easier for both of them. They started with calmer minds than hers and they weren't pregnant.

"I promise to give it a try."

"We could begin with something simple."

She had to smirk at Tuvok. "Something for children?"

"Vulcan children do possess greater patience than you occasionally display."

Chakotay snorted before he could catch it, then grinned at Kathryn in mock apology. He liked the idea of her trying meditation again - the peace of mind could only be good for her and the baby.

The baby. Their baby was in there, changing and growing by the day.

"Tuvok," he hesitated then chastised himself. Tuvok was not one to minimise anyone's spiritual beliefs. "I'm curious about whether you can sense anything from the baby. I know its higher brain functions are undeveloped, but in my tradition we believe the spirit is fully formed from the time of conception."

Tuvok raised both of his eyebrows and brought his gaze down at his hand where the captain held it against her stomach. She was content with the idea that Tuvok could lull the baby to sleep. Chakotay was more spiritual, of course he'd have more questions.

"It is difficult to explain but I will endeavour to do so. An unborn child does not have a presence as you do, or as the captain does. I am unable to make direct contact with him or her so I cannot be party to his or her thoughts, as I can be when in contact with a human. I am, however, aware that something not of the captain is within her and I can interact with that spark of consciousness.

"Vulcans believe that the katra, the soul, takes hold during pregnancy but that it takes many years to grow and develop. I am aware of your child as I would be aware of a seed about to sprout. It is present and unique but it is not yet an independent organism."

Kathryn was caught between imagining herself as a pot of soil containing a seedling and paying real attention to what Tuvok said. She was acutely aware of the baby as an independent being, and she believed the baby was vaguely aware of her. Mostly when she was upset, or tripped over something. Tuvok's explanation was much more poetic.

Chakotay nodded, turning Tuvok's explanation over in his mind. It made perfect sense but in his heart of hearts he was disappointed. It wasn't easy to have to wait to learn about their child.

Taking pity on him, Kathryn kissed Chakotay's cheek. "You'll have baby Impatience soon enough. What was it you were telling me? How important it was to enjoy the moment because of how precious it is?"

"I concur. My wife and I found sharing her pregnancies to be a profoundly intimate and caring time of our marriage."

He grinned guiltily. "It is precious, and I am enjoying this time with you," he said, turning to Kathryn. "I'm just...excited," he finished sheepishly.

Incredibly excited. Excited like he hadn't been since Kathryn had admitted her feelings for him. Before that, he couldn't remember when he'd ever felt like this. He couldn't remember when he'd ever been impatient like this. Some days he thought the waiting might actually kill him.

"Save some of that for when I wake you up in the middle of the night to have this baby." Kathryn winked at him and turned her attention back to Tuvok.

"Thank you, for the security report and for indulging our very human curiosity." She released his hand and patted him on the shoulder. "You've been very helpful."

"I have faith that both of you will adapt. Good evening, Captain, Commander." Tuvok stood elegantly and headed for the door.

"Thank you, Tuvok." Chakotay watched the man leave their quarters then turned to Kathryn and smiled thoughtfully. "He never fails to surprise me."

"Vulcans seem to have that ability. Tuvok has it in spades."

Kathryn poked at her drink a few more times than sipped it. It wasn't exactly what she wanted, but it was bubbly and sweet and that helped. Nothing was coffee.

"He's also incredibly calm when I'm exhausted and frustrated. Like someone else I know."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set during the episode "Vis-a-Vis"

Clutching her third or fourth cup of coffee in the last hour, Kathryn drummed her fingers on the console, remembered how much that annoyed the Doctor and resumed pacing instead. Tom's legs were longer than her own and her pacing was more efficient than it had ever been. She was trapped, through a very bizarre encounter with an alien she could only describe as a body thief, in the body of her helmsman. She kept trying to fix her hair, only to discover she currently had short hair and there was nothing she could do to it.

Tom stood off to the side, in one of the alien's bodies, a short male one. It was entirely odd to see Tom stand there, but see Tom's face reflected in the glass.

"Commander Chakotay's consciousness is intact and resting comfortably in your body, Captain." The Doctor finally reported. "The foetus appears unaffected. It must not yet have enough of a conscious presence to be involved in the switch. This Steth must not have wanted to deal with being pregnant while he stole a new body."

"Tuvok and another one of Steth's victims, Daelan, are hunting Steth and Chakotay's body down." Saying it didn't make her feel better, and Kathryn resumed pacing, though she had to try to take smaller steps. "When will Chakotay regain consciousness?"

The Doctor frowned his displeasure. "Considering Tuvok found it necessary to stun him--"

"Since it appeared to Tuvok that I was attacking Chakotay at the time, and it seemed to be in Chakotay's best interest." That didn't make it any easier to live with.

Stepping forward, Tom stretched out his hand to touch the captain's arm, but the bizarreness of comforting his own body caused him to pull back at the last second. He'd been watching her pace - pace and drink enough coffee to power a shuttlecraft. Her- his- heart must be racing.

The body he was currently occupying was considerably shorter than his own, more the height of the captain herself. He hadn't realised what it was like to go through life looking up at people all the time. It was a wonder their necks didn't ache, but then again, they were probably used to it.

"Chakotay's fine." Tom spoke in a low voice. "Which is more than I'm going to be able to say for me if you don't ease up on the coffee. With all due respect, you've had more in the last hour than I usually drink in a day." He hated to spoil her fun, she hadn't been able to drink coffee in the amounts she depended on in several months. Even still. "Have a heart, Captain. As it is when I get my body back I won't be able to sleep for a week."

Looking down at Tom, she never looked down at anyone over the age of twelve and found it terribly disconcerting, Kathryn winced and set down her cup as if it had stung her. Maybe that was why she felt like she had ants crawling inside her brain. It had been awhile since she hadn't had the caffeine tolerance of a Klingon.

"I'm sorry, Tom." She folded her arms over her chest, something that was incredibly odd to do without breasts. Not having breasts made her look down at Tom's stomach and a rush of anxiety that had nothing to do with coffee washed over her like cold water. The baby, their baby, was missing and she felt the absence like a hole in her soul.

Staring at her own body, unconscious on the biobed, only made things worse. The baby was so much less tangible as a rise of her belly instead of a moving, living force inside of her. It wasn't even her belly.

"I never thought I'd say this." She dropped her voice and leaned against the wall next to Tom. "I miss being pregnant."

This time he did touch her, he couldn't not.

"Good thing you aren't. Things could have just gotten confusing if that were the case." The sarcasm in his voice appeared to be lost on the captain, who looked completely dejected.

Squeezing her- his- damn this was weird- arm again, he waited until she looked down at him. "If the baby has to be in somebody else's care, there's nobody better than Chakotay."

Kathryn did her best to smile back at him. Tom had a point. Out of everyone else in the universe, Chakotay was the best person who could have possibly been in charge of their baby and her body.

"He's been wanting to feel the baby move. I guess he should be careful what he wishes for."

"And I'm about to bring him- her- Commander Chakotay, around." The Doctor waved them over.

Kathryn wasn't sure how much Tom's face would comfort Chakotay or how he'd feel about being in possession of her slightly uncomfortable body. Reaching for his, her own hand, Kathryn marvelled for a moment at how small her fingers were. Chakotay really wasn't teasing her when he called her hands tiny.

His mouth was dry, his head ached and his body felt strangely heavy. Chakotay raised a hand to block the glaring lights of sickbay from his line of vision while his mind scrambled to remember what had happened. Please, not another shuttle crash.

As his eyes adjusted he focused them on the face above his. Paris? What the hell? No...Kathryn. It came back to him in a wave.

"Did we get him?" Clearing the hoarseness from his voice, he struggled to sit up.

"It's all right. Tuvok's going to get him." She had the utmost faith in her security chief's ability to track down a fleeing alien. Especially with the real Steth's help. Grabbing both of his shoulders before he could sit all the way up, Kathryn smiled sympathetically at him. He had no idea of all the pitfalls of being in her body. She had to protect him.

"Don't sit up too fast. You'll get dizzy."

Too late. His head spun slowly for a few seconds before managing somehow to clear itself. The delay in being able to focus was annoying.

"Thanks." Chakotay squeezed the broad fingers of Paris' hand, a motion that was made less strange by the fact that it was Kathryn's slim fingers that did the actual squeezing. These log entries were going to be some for the record books.

Kathryn's face had lost the anxious look it had displayed while she was standing over him. "The baby's okay?" He was reasonably sure he knew the answer. He was hungry, he realised, and he desperately wanted...coffee. He wanted coffee. How could her body possibly still be craving coffee? She drank the occasional cup but it shouldn't have been enough to keep her addiction alive. Be all that as it may, the urge was insistent and incredibly irritating, particularly since he knew he'd be doing nothing to quell it.

Kathryn glanced over at Tom and reminded herself not to use his body without permission and kiss herself. Well, Chakotay, but either way, it would be a misuse of her borrowed form.

"The baby's fine. Really fine. Apparently stun hits you a little harder when you're pregnant." She rolled her eyes a little, because everything under the sun was 'a little harder' when one was pregnant.

The Doctor slipped in between the captain in Tom's body and Chakotay in hers and showed Chakotay the tricorder scans he'd just taken.

"Your child is fine. Perhaps a little startled, but well protected by the fluid in the captain's- I mean- your womb and I can assure you that the child is perfectly healthy."

Touching her own cheek was distinctly odd, but Kathryn went with it. "Are you okay? This has got to be the strangest for you, Chakotay."

Chakotay nodded. "It's a little odd." His legs dangled over the edge of the biobed a good thirty centimetres from the floor, making him feel about twelve years old. The extra weight in front, in the form of Kathryn's breasts and the belly, shifted his centre of gravity and he found himself leaning back to compensate. With a sigh he lifted a hand to run it through his hair, only to dislodge whatever Kathryn was using to keep it in place.

Moving forward to slide off the bed, Chakotay stopped suddenly at the vague fluttery feeling from his midsection. "Wait...I think..." He gripped Kathryn's hand. "Is that...I can feel the baby." He looked at her for verification, but he was almost certain. It was strange to see Kathryn's expression peering out at him from Tom's face.

Brushing her hair back from the shoulders Chakotay was borrowing, Kathryn hovered until she had it out of the way. Was it really that long? She'd thought of cutting it a few times now, but Chakotay liked it so. Wrapping her- his- little hand up in hers, she nodded. That had to be truly strange for him and he'd been waiting so impatiently to feel it.

"Kind of like a fish swimming around, or a puppy trying to nose you through a blanket?" 

"Yes." Chakotay laughed, then stilled to focus on it. "It's incredible. I can track him." He traced his fingers over the belly, following the subtle movements.

Watching from the sidelines, Tom moved forward a little, not wanting to intrude but unable to stay back. "You still can't feel anything from the outside?"

"No. This is first contact." Chakotay grinned and wiped away the tears that threatened to spill over. "It's pretty amazing. I've seen him on the scans, but that was nothing like this."

"So he's a him today?"

Squeezing his shoulder, Kathryn broke her own rule and leaned forward to kiss his- well, technically her own- cheek. Pulling herself up on a biobed next to him, she leaned over and tried to extrapolate which places felt like what.

"Nothing quite like getting prodded in the stomach first hand, is there?"

He gasped as a sharper poke caught him off guard. "That was more like a kick." There was more force to it than he would have guessed and the delight threatened to choke him. "No wonder you can't sleep sometimes."

It might have been Paris' face but it was Kathryn's heart that shone out from the eyes and he leaned his head against her shoulder for a quick moment. "I can't believe it. I can feel our baby." Looking up he noticed all eyes were on him, expressions ranging from amusement to gentle indulgence but he didn't care. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and he intended to enjoy every second of it.

She put her arm around his back and held him tightly. He was so small when she was Tom. Maybe Tom's arms were just long.

"This is why I deserve coffee in the morning because someone's legitimately been keeping me awake."

Beaming back at him, she started to relax. At least he got to have this time with the baby, even if she felt like the universe was upside-down without it.

"It really is incredible. A little bit like a parasite, but then you remember it's a child and you're already in love with him or her."

Chakotay chuckled. "It's strange to think that someone is inhabiting your body with you, but then again, no stranger than actually being in the wrong body." He refused to think about what would happen if Tuvok couldn't catch the alien.

Stroking the belly gently, he said a mental prayer of thanks, for the child and for the opportunity to experience things from this side. Then he looked up at Kathryn. The rest of sickbay was losing interest and he knew he could say what he wanted without being overheard. Keeping his voice low, he turned his face into her chest. He wondered vaguely if the excess of hormones was having more of an effect than he'd realised. It was impossible to keep the emotion out of his voice. "Thank you for doing this for us."

"I didn't have a lot of choice, now did I?"

Leaning closer, she let herself be more serious. "I miss him. I'm glad you have him. I really am, but I want him back."

Kathryn glanced at Tom again, hoping he didn't mind if she was a little touchy in his body. Rubbing her own belly with someone else's hands was entirely strange and she giggled, which just made things worse. Tom did not giggle.

"It feels so different when it's me."

Hearing 'Tom' giggle was the icing on the surreal cake. Chakotay wanted to touch her but there was only so much he could do to Paris' body before it just got too awkward for words. They were still going to have to work together when all this was over.

"I wonder what's happening with Tuvok? As much as I'm enjoying this connection," the baby flickered across his abdomen again, as if in agreement, "I can't see making it a permanent arrangement." The anxiety in Kathryn's eyes made them bigger and he wished for a way to comfort her.

The Doctor bustled by, working on something as he walked. "Tuvok reported in five minutes ago. Daelan, who is the closest we can come to the original body, has the thief in custody and they'll be here shortly to make the change."

Kathryn slipped off the biobed and nearly giggled again when she realised how much taller she was than herself. Handing Chakotay her hands to guide him down, she spent a moment wondering how his tattoo would look on her forehead.

"Careful."

It was a ridiculously long drop to the floor. He'd never noticed how short Kathryn's legs were and he wondered how she ever managed to keep up when they walked somewhere together.

He lost his balance when his feet hit the floor but fortunately Kathryn still had his hands and she caught him. Looking up sheepishly, Chakotay grinned his thanks as his cheeks grew warm. "It's a lot funnier when I'm watching that from the outside."

She patted his head, something her father had done, but it seemed safer than kissing him.

"It really is, isn't it? I'm not clumsy. I'm reasonably agile. At least, I was, some time ago before you and someone else came into my life."

Leaning in close while Tuvok and an alien woman of a species she'd never seen before arrived with a shackled and sullen-looking Chakotay in tow, Kathryn just had to ask.

"How do you like having breasts? Do they still hurt?"

"They don't seem too sore...although, I'm not sure what they're supposed to feel like from this side." He resisted the urge to feel himself up. "As far as how I like them," Chakotay kept his face bland in case anyone happened to be looking, "I'd be able to tell better if I were alone."

It was an enormous relief to see his body slouch sullenly into sickbay, but he had a momentary longing to stay where he was. It was hard to let go, but it wouldn't be too much longer before he'd be able to feel the baby from the outside.

Or so he tried to tell himself.

"Maybe when we're out of here, and I eat because I'm always hungry, we can discuss them in more detail."

She smirked and circled from behind him to meet her security chief.

"Tuvok?"

Thankfully, the Vulcan was very rarely swayed by anything. "This is the real Steth, Captain."

The alien woman nodded to Kathryn then looked longingly at his own body. "It'll be good to have my own body back."

"I think we can all agree with that."

Steth prodded Chakotay's body forward and Tuvok lifted his phaser. Kathryn hated the idea of letting this alien touch her, Chakotay and by extension the baby, but she didn't have any choice.

"Switch them back." Tuvok's tone left little to be argued and the alien in Chakotay's body scowled deeply and reached for Kathryn's body.

Chakotay took an involuntary step backwards before he caught himself. The desire to shield the baby surged through him and he struggled to swallow his anxiety.

There was no guarantee that the alien would do what needed to be done. He had nothing to lose; already in custody he could easily decide that revenge was his only recourse and Chakotay had no way of knowing whether he was capable of sabotaging their bodies on his way through.

An icy chill traveled up his neck. His legs tensed with an overwhelming need to run, to get them out of there to someplace safe...but there was nowhere to go. A swell of impotent rage gripped his heart. If the alien hurt Kathryn's body or their baby, Chakotay would beat him into a pulp with his bare hands, no matter whose body the stranger happened to be using at the time.

Heart pounding, he stepped forward and stared himself in the eye. "Make it fast." The alien gripped his wrists and in the next moment Chakotay found himself back in his own body.

Tuvok grabbed Kathryn's shoulder, preventing the alien from trying anything. The scowl that had been so prominent on Chakotay's face was now on her own and Kathryn had a hard time looking at her own eyes with such anger in them.

Finally, she just had to stare him down. He'd taken her baby and she needed it back.

Tuvok and the alien both glared at her.

"Get on with it," Steth said, nudging Kathryn's body.

The alien reached for her neck, and only force of will kept her from pulling Tom's body back. Steth kept his phaser on the alien, who was now wearing Tom's body as if it offended him. They were getting closer.

She was short, dizzy from the switch, wondering why her chest ached and something was twisting beneath her stomach. When she faltered, nearly losing her balance, Tuvok caught her.

"The disorientation will pass."

"Chakotay?"

He snapped out of his own dizziness and was at her side in a heartbeat. "I'm right here, we're okay." Chakotay slid his arms around her from behind, letting Tuvok ease her back so that he was supporting her trembling weight. "I've got you, Kathryn."

Frustration seized him and his voice was angrier than he'd intended. "Doctor, a little help please?"

The tricorder hummed contentedly as the Doctor scanned her. Kathryn was acutely aware of him standing beside her, Tuvok's hands on her arms, the way the wrong Tom glared at her, and Chakotay's very firm grip on her shoulders.

"I'm all right."

Her own voice sounded strange back inside her head. It was so much deeper outside of her. She closed her eyes, letting them take the time to adjust.

"It just happened a little quickly."

"Your blood pressure dropped fifteen points." The Doctor shook his head and gave the alien in Tom's body his own dirty look. "DNA is not something to be traded like a discarded garment.

Tom had seen a lot of vicious things, but the whole body swapping thing was right up there. What kind of animal involved a pregnant woman in something like this? He wouldn't have wanted to be in the alien's shoes if the captain hadn't made the quick and complete recovery she did.

Stepping forward, he stared at the fury radiating out from his own eyes. "I guess it's my turn. Feel free to make contact by wrapping your hands around your own neck and squeezing tight." The alien looked like there was nothing he'd rather do, but after glancing at Tuvok he gripped Tom's shoulders and in a heartbeat Tom was back in his own body.

Tuvok continued to supervise until Steth was in his own body and the alien, whoever it was, glared out from the strange woman's body.

"I doubt this is the first body this alien has stolen, but I know her species. I might be able to find the person who belongs to this body." Steth looked over everyone that had been involved. "I'll do my best to find everyone who's had their life taken away."

Kathryn patted Chakotay's hand to promise him she was all right. Her body ached from being stunned, her head hurt and she'd never been more grateful to have the heavy soreness of her breasts.

"Thank you. Mr. Tuvok will see you to your ship."

Tuvok lifted his side arm towards the alien and politely indicated the door. "This way." He nodded to her as he left. "Captain."

Rubbing her forehead with her right hand, Kathryn had yet to pull her left away from her stomach. She felt whole with the baby back. Her own body would have been foreign without it.

"Captain?" The Doctor had his tricorder out again. "Captain, I'd like to run another scan."

Tom's ears perked up. His head was still swimming from the transfer but he edged a little closer to the captain and the Doctor, wondering what the Doc was thinking.

Chakotay released Kathryn reluctantly and stepped back. "What are you looking for, Doctor?" The unease taunted the edges of his mind but he clamped it down firmly and smiled reassuringly at her.

"He just likes scanning." Kathryn wasn't sure if she was annoyed or concerned, so she put her hands on her hips and went with both. "I feel fine, Doctor."

Of course, fine had an entirely new connotation when she was pregnant. When she was just her, fine meant nothing was sore and there was a healthy level of caffeine in her body. Now, fine meant her breasts hurt, she was slightly lightheaded, clumsy and far too emotional. She had to stop being amused on the bridge. Harry got far too nervous when she giggled.

"You are the only one who had two sets of DNA in their system while being swapped by this alien. I just want to be careful." The Doctor waved her back to the biobed. "Please."

"You said the baby was fine." Kathryn accepted Chakotay's help as he lifted her up onto the biobed.

"It is, Captain, I just want another chance to make sure."

Chakotay rested his fingers lightly on her lower back, taking care of stand clear of the Doctor. An irritated Doctor would only result in an irritated Kathryn. He bit his tongue and concentrated on not snatching the tricorder out of the EMH's hand, which would be pointless considering he wouldn't know how to interpret it.

The Doctor looked up from his tricorder, which reported that the captain's blood pressure was climbing back to acceptable levels and that the child, despite his very unconventional experiences thus far, was perfectly healthy.

"Everything is fine." He reassured the surprisingly patient captain and the concerned commander. "I wanted to make sure your vascular pressure was capable of returning to normal on its own. I know you've been having some trouble with dizziness."

"Thank you, Doctor." Kathryn smiled at him as pleasantly as she could. "Are we released?"

"Yes, yes of course." He dismissed them with a smile. "Try to stay in your own bodies."

Tom was beaming and Chakotay nodded to the younger man in appreciation. Apparently he wasn't the only one who had been concerned.

Offering a hand to Kathryn, he leaned in to whisper in her ear. "I'll keep an eye on yours if you keep an eye on mine." The relief and the residual lightheadedness from the transfer had him spent. Kathryn's colour was returning and the tension in her shoulders had lessened. He wanted nothing more than to take her home and wrap her up in his arms.


	9. Chapter 9

Lieutenant Paris was highly inefficient. If he had been working on the alignment of the plasma coils instead of staring off into space, they would have been able to move on to the scrub of the plasma manifold. Why he did not see that moving through their tasks logically and sequentially would help them was beyond her. Pointing it out to him had just made him frustrated, and hostile. Rather like Lieutenant Torres.

Seven stood in front of the warp core, trying to apply what she knew about diffusing an argument. She would have to ask the captain again. Perhaps she could be illuminating.

"If we finish our task, we will be able to begin the next one. It would be wise of us to use this time to finish our allotted tasks instead of 'daydreaming'."

"I'm working on it, Seven." Tom's tone was sharper than he'd intended, but he really didn't care. "I'm sorry things aren't moving along with the Borg efficiency you prefer. Human beings get bored and irritated after nine million hours of the same activity. Which is something you'd know if you paid attention to more than the mechanics of a situation once in a while."

Slamming the panel back on harder than was strictly necessary gave him a bit of satisfaction but it was small consolation after what felt like days trapped at the bottom of the warp core with Seven of Obsessive Compulsion.

Moving to the next section he all but ran into her, flaring his irritation again. "Do you mind?" Tom stopped and ran a hand over his face. This really wasn't working.

"I do not mind. I apologise for standing in your way, though I do not believe I was in error." Seven was entirely at a loss. She had not done anything to make Lieutenant Paris angry, and yet he was behaving as if she had. She had endeavoured not to 'badger' him, as Ensign Kim had put it, nor had she behaved like any other irritable mammals.

"I simply wish to have our task completed within the time allotted. I do not see why making more noise is conducive to finishing what needs to be done. We must move on to the plasma manifold soon or we will not be finished by the time Ensign Hickman, Crewman Celes and Crewman Telfer arrive. They are less qualified in warp theory than you and I. It would benefit them if we work quickly." Surely the lieutenant valued the Voyager collective enough to be helpful.

"Seven." Tom wondered if pounding his head against the core would earn him a trip out of there and into sickbay, and if so whether the Doctor's lecturing would be any less irritating than hers. "I know you want to get this done. I know the arrival of the three musketeers is imminent. I know I'm moving more slowly than you'd like, and I know life isn't worth living if it's not lived efficiently."

He pulled the next panel away with a rough tug. "But stop nagging. I'm begging you. Just stop. This is a make-work project, Seven. It doesn't even really need to be done. I'm sick of the sight of plasa coils. I realise that's irrelevant but I'm human and I'm bored to death."

Tom put a hand up to stop her protest before it could start. "Do not, do not, tell me it's impossible to be bored to death."

Studying him for a moment, Seven remembered Commander Chakotay's solution. Try another route. Adapt. Paris was frustrated and he was angry with her, however illogically.

"If I stop 'nagging' you, can I trust you finish your portion of the work before the others arrive?"

He usually was trustworthy, but his level of boredom made him unreliable. Seven didn't care for unreliability. It was highly inefficient.

Kathryn didn't need to be down on the main floor of engineering to hear Tom doing his very best to pick a fight with Seven. Thankfully, the young ex-Borg had the patience of Tuvok when it came to humans yelling at her. Even so, she didn't deserve it. Tom also didn't really mean it. He was frustrated and bored. Voyager was becoming as cramped to all of them as her was for her ever-growing child. Chakotay and anyone else who put a hand on her belly could easily feel him or her moving now, and she'd been shameless in using her own child as a distraction. Anything to keep spirits up, even if it meant that the entire crew was familiar with the baby and there were no questions about the little one she hadn't answered at least fifteen times.

"You know how this works." She whispered down to her belly as she rode the lift down towards Seven and Tom. "Mommy needs your help sweetheart. Help me find something to keep Tom from trying to get himself assimilated."

Walking off the lift, she paused near the warp core and watched them both, wondering when they'd see her.

"It'll get done when it gets done. I'm working, see? Geez, Seven--" Tom cut himself off before he really let her have it. "Sometimes you're a real pain in the ass, you know that?" He stopped talking to make a few small adjustments, then replaced the panel with a resounding thud. "Here's a news flash. Hickman, Celes and Telfer aren't racing to get down here either, I can guarantee it." 

"When it gets done is not acceptable." She did not know how to reason with him any further. She frowned and took a step back from him, as to not appear threatening in case he was contemplating violence against anything that wasn't a panel. "We were asked by Commander Chakotay to have this task completed by 1900 hours. We must be done by then. Your feelings about me are irrelevant."

Kathryn crossed her arms between her breasts and the swell of her belly. If Seven didn't understand how cruel Tom was being, that gave him no excuse. He knew better, and Tom, as frustrated as he was, deep down, knew that he was way out of line.

She cleared her throat, drawing both of their attention as she walked slowly towards them. "I assume they're still aware of the punishment for being late to their duty stations, Lieutenant."

"Captain." Damn damn damn. Tom felt his spine straighten automatically as she studied him. "Yes, ma'am. I didn't mean to imply--" Oh what the hell. She knew exactly what he'd been doing.

Seeing how the situation with Seven would appear to an outsider made him feel like a heel.

If only she weren't so incredibly irritating, showing not the tiniest trace of flexibility, ever. Tom clenched his jaw again thinking about it and made an effort to relax the fists that had formed at his sides.

Glancing from Tom to Seven, she took pity on the poor woman. She really had no idea how emotionally worked up she could make her shipmates, and she didn't yet have the emotional reference points to see the anger in Tom's posture.

"Seven, since you're done here, I'd like to ask you a favour. The sonic showerhead in my quarters is acting up and I've been meaning to fix it but it's so high up in the bulkhead that I'd have to stand on something and that's just not as safe a proposition as it was a few months ago. I hate to ask Chakotay, he's been so busy..."

With morale plummeting all over the ship, Chakotay had been pressed to the limits of his enviable patience. Anything she could do to make his life easier...even if he had suggested that breaking the showerhead could be useful if she needed a task for someone. She hoped she'd broken it enough. Kathryn had once been pretty handy with a computer virus.

"You are currently less than agile." Seven nodded, but was unable to place the emotion that washed over her. She was pleased to see Captain Janeway, but there was something else about Paris. She wanted to be away from him, and she really did not understand why she'd feel such relief leaving him. Seven normally found him quite pleasant to work with. "I will repair the device."

"Thank you, Seven. That's a huge help to me."

Kathryn let the young woman leave before she turned thoughtfully to Tom.

"You want to keep yelling at me, Tom?"

Tom looked at her with chagrin. What was it about the captain that could make him feel seven years old?

"Uh, no, ma'am." Having Seven leave lowered his blood pressure by several points and he took a deep breath, relaxing his hands. He grinned sheepishly. "Thanks for the offer though."

"She can't read your body language. No matter how hard you clench your jaw, she's not going to see it."

He should know that, and it frustrated her to have to protect Seven. The crew had already been working with her for well over six months. All of them had a responsibility to help Seven develop her humanity because she was part of their family. Tom knew that.

Kathryn put her hands on her hips, something that was becoming more difficult each day the baby took up more of her body.

"Are you sure?" She kept her tone light. As much as he needed a lecture, that would only make things worse. "I'm the one who assigned you the meaningless task and I'm the one who demanded it be done today. It's entirely my fault, Tom."

"Yes, ma'am." His reply was automatic and it took him a second to realise what he'd said. "I mean, no, ma'am. It's not your fault."

Tom shook his head in frustration. "With all due respect, Captain, it's not so much the job as being constantly supervised by someone who feels she can do everything better than anyone else." If there was one thing he hated, it was being made to feel like he wasn't good enough.

"I did try to," he cleared his throat, "communicate more effectively." An entirely better ending to that sentence than 'get Seven to take her head out of her ass', a sentiment the captain would not appreciate no matter how hard she was trying to be understanding of his position. "Once she gets an idea in her head, it's almost impossible to shake her off it." 

"I doubt that makes Seven unique on this ship."

Kathryn shuffled her feet, wondering if straightening her spine would take away the tingling sensation running down the back of her thigh. Her nerves were starting to hate the changing demands on her body. It seemed to help a little, and she let her wince of discomfort pass over her face.

"I need you to help me, Tom. You're one of my senior officers. I know working with Seven can make you want to slam a few panels, but I'm counting on you, Tuvok, B'Elanna, and Harry to help her adapt. She didn't get to grow up with an older brother who taught her how to behave. She grew up with the Borg, and that's a tough thing to unlearn."

Tom took a deep breath and let the captain's words wash over him. He nodded seriously to show he was taking them to heart. "I understand. I'll try to be more patient." If only he didn't feel like Vulcan fire ants were crawling up his back every time Seven fixed him with that look of disdain.

The captain's little nod let him know he was forgiven, which was good because watching her shift and grimace made him curious. "Everything all right, Captain?"

He was going to try, and Kathryn smiled faintly. She was proud of him, even when he was petulant, he'd come so far.

"I need you. I know it's hard."

Sighing and moving her hands around to the centre of her back, she let her eyebrows narrow.

"Oh, it's all right, I don't want to annoy you with my problems, Tom."

He grinned boyishly, a little flirtatiously even, relieved to know she wasn't angry. "You're a lot of things, Captain, but I'd never classify you as annoying. Besides, I have a vested interest in Baby Janeway there."

"Let's just say Baby Janeway and I are a little wary of running down your patience today."

Kathryn allowed herself to weakly smile back. He had to have that grin that was so much like Chakotay's and Phoebe's that she was helpless against it. Even so, she needed to make her point.

"I promise, Captain. As long as you don't nag me into the ground like I'm twelve years old, I'm at your disposal." He shrugged. "Let's be honest, I'm at your disposal anyway." The wave of fatigue that swept through him took him completely by surprise. "To be honest, I could use a distraction."

Trying to decide if he was venting or finally starting to relax, Kathryn rolled her shoulders and returned her hands to her lower back.

"She doesn't mean to; she really doesn't. She can't help herself. Just like Baby Janeway can't seem to help herself from compressing enough nerves in my spine to make my leg feel like I've walked into a stun field."

"No, right." He'd try to remember that about Seven, if only because it was important to the captain. She didn't mean to treat him like he was an idiot. It probably wouldn't hurt him to be a little thicker skinned around her.

"You know, some people believe putting your feet up occasionally, particularly when there's not a lot going on, takes pressure off those spinal nerves for a pregnant woman." Tom shrugged in a 'go figure' way. "I've heard."

Kathryn tilted her head thoughtfully and feigned confusion. "How would I check on the extraneous, pointless, busywork tasks I've set my crew with my feet up?"

He might have had a point, but she'd already been sitting, and then her back hurt. Lying down made one of her sides ache until she rolled over.

Leaning back against the console, she waved Tom closer to share a secret. "Would you feel better if I told you Seven speaks to me in the exact same fashion?"

Now that was surprising, and the little jolt it sent through him made him consider something he hadn't before. "Actually, that does make me feel better." He tended to take it personally and it really wasn't personal at all.

"Now, I've had admirals lecturing me for years, and I've kept Tuvok around. I can remind myself that whomever it is, they're really only trying to help. If you tell yourself that over and over you have to believe it, because you've managed to nag yourself into submission."

That had reached him, which took a weight off her shoulders. Kathryn really did need everyone on her senior staff to help her keep the crew together for the rest of their trip through the seemingly endless void. The little one, Baby Janeway as Tom started calling him or her, twisted in Kathryn's belly with enough force to entirely take her mind off her tingling nerves.

Grabbing Tom's hand without warning, she pressed it against her side and held it tight against her uniform. "I think Baby Janeway might like you."

"Whoa!" Tom jerked his hand back like it had been burnt, then looked at the captain in amazement. "That was-- I felt-- Hey--"

He placed his hand back on her stomach, surprised at his own nervousness. Even in sickbay he tended to touch the captain as little as possible, which wasn't that difficult. Her warm smile helped him relax and he waited to see what would happen.

This time the kick was a little gentler, but still with a surprising amount of force. "Wow." He patted the place that the movement had come from. "Hey in there. What's going on?" Another bump was his reward and he had to clear his throat. Even though it was clearly ridiculous, it did seem like the baby was actually responding to him.

Dropping her voice in an imitation of the Doctor's, Kathryn patted the back of Tom's hand to encourage him to keep his hand there.

"It is normal to have an increase in frequency and strength of foetal movement in the second trimester."

She raised both of her eyebrows playfully and rested her weight on the console behind her. "Baby Janeway keeps terrible hours, doesn't seem to sleep and I think he might already be addicted to his father's bedtime stories. That or I fall asleep during them, and don't notice that he's still at it. It's incredible, isn't it? There's actually someone in here."

"It is incredible." He'd never agreed with anything so strongly in his life. Tom patted her belly in different places, trying to elicit more bumps. It was a little surreal to have his fingers on her body like this, and he was oddly relieved that Chakotay was nowhere in sight, but in spite of the vague sense of unease he couldn't have pulled his hand away with a phaser to his head.

There was another little kick, this time more on his wrist than the palm of his hand, and he grinned at the captain with delight. "That was a good one." The fact that she was letting him do this was almost as overwhelming as the movement of the baby itself. He wasn't doing it as her midwife, or her helmsman. He was doing it as her friend, and the knowledge of that made him proud. It also made him vow again that he would do right by the captain and her little family, no matter what. 

"I can't believe she's not going to see stars until she's one and a half." Even imagining the baby outside of her body was a little difficult, knowing she'd spend the first part of her life in this untenable darkness was frustrating, but it was more motivation to get Voyager out of this darkness. Kathryn had promised her baby over and over again that they'd get through. So they would; they had to.

"Then I wonder if she really won't mind. She's in darkness now, and it doesn't seem to bother her. She might be more optimistic than all of us."

She glanced down, amused as Tom moved his hand around, trying to guess where the baby would move to next. What she wanted to say was sentimental but maybe he needed it. Everyone was so hungry for something to believe in.

"I think in a way she's luckier than all of us. We all have people we left behind, even Naomi has to wonder about her father. She won't, not really. When she's born, her family will be all around her. Chakotay's here, and B'Elanna, Tuvok, Harry, Neelix, you, even Seven. She'll be the most loved little baby in the Delta Quadrant, surrounded by her family. That seems like a good reason to be optimistic."

"That's true." The kicking seemed to have stopped which was more disappointing than Tom would have thought. Reluctantly he removed his hand. "She's the first true Delta Quadrant baby." He looked at the captain a little shyly. "The best thing that's happened out here, I'd say."

Using a pronoun to describe the baby always made him smile. They went back and forth in the interest of fun and fairness, but he really didn't think either the captain or Chakotay had any idea. He tucked their secret a little deeper into his heart.

Straightening up, Tom realised somewhere in the last twenty minutes the tension had all but dissolved from his body. Did the captain know the power she was wielding? Nah, had to be a coincidence.

"I didn't think so when I was vomiting. There were a few weeks when I didn't know how I'd ever make it through" Her confession was shy, something Chakotay knew but that she'd kept from the crew. Tom had been a big help with that. He'd taken care of her when she'd been pretty miserable, and he'd done it more than once. Sometimes she wondered what his father would think, knowing Tom had become so comfortable with his heart.

Kathryn patted Tom's shoulder, then reluctantly dragged herself back to her feet from the console. "I'll see you Tuesday morning then? Chakotay's been looking forward to that scan since the last one."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be there." He began to resume his work then turned back suddenly. "Captain? Thank you."

"No, Tom, thank you for working so hard. I know there's not much for you to do, but it's important that we all keep going."

Kathryn nodded to him and kept her smile cheerful and carefree until she was well out of sight. Was it lying to put on such a show of good cheer or was she just doing what needed to be done, as the captain did? As fondly as her thoughts drifted to Chakotay, she had other decks to visit.

Rubbing her belly, grateful that the baby made it so much easier to improve morale, Kathryn found her smile again as Hickman, Celes and Tefler passed her in the corridor. Shift change; she still had a lot of work to do.


	10. Chapter 10

How did Tuvok stand up in this spot all day? B'Elanna usually had the whole engine room to work in, and standing at the security station, doing her part in the rotation, she hated it. The only upside so far was that it was quiet, and she'd had the chance to strip the security control station and check each of the conponent parts before reassembling it. She knew Ayala had the watch at first, and when she looked up again, it was Chakotay instead.

And he was eyeing the viewscreen.

B'Elanna jumped. She'd helped Ayala set up the viewscreen to simulate real warp drive. They'd banished the darkness of the endless void into a small square on the bottom right, and they had stars. Fake stars, but stars.

"I can fix it."

Chakotay stared at the viewscreen a few seconds longer.

"Well that's a relief. I thought I'd blacked out and missed the last two years."

B'Elanna looked at him like he was going to bite her head off. Which...might not have been such an irrational fear. He'd been unusually on edge since they'd entered the void and morale had plummeted. Even Neelix was having difficulty coping.

Swiping a hand across his face, Chakotay took a breath. "All things considered, make believe stars aren't the worst idea I've heard all week. If the captain doesn't object, I say let's keep them, at least for a while."

"I can make you a make believe nebula, or a stellar cluster, or something Tom calls hyperdrive..." She let the last trail off and shrugged.

"Anything is better than nothing. I mean, I understand space is fundamentally nothing, but really. This is ridiculously nothing."

When he mentioned the captain, she couldn't help wonder if she could ask. "You know...I think out of all of us, she's been in the best mood. Is that you or Baby Arachnia?"

He tried to stay serious but couldn't hold back the smile. Baby Arachnia. That was a new one and he thought he'd heard them all.

Kathryn was in a far better mood than most of the rest of them, it was true. "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. It's just so good to see her happy." Chakotay lowered his voice for the last part. B'Elanna knew how sick and miserable Kathryn had been because he'd talked to her about it from time to time but as far as most of the crew knew, the captain was fine and had been all along.

"I'd like to think it's me but I suspect it's more to do with the junior member of the family." In spite of the physical discomfort, Kathryn was happier than she'd been in a very long time.

She grinned back. At least someone was happy. Might as well be the captain. She'd had a rough enough time.

"She dragged herself through a lot, didn't she?"

B'Elanna had seen little but from what she'd heard, pregnancy in humans was an endurance trial. If it wasn't for Tom, who protected the captain's privacy as much as he could but had a terrible poker face, and Chakotay, who just needed to talk, she would have thought the captain had been quite healthy, except for her lingering clumsiness.

B'Elanna leaned in; even though they were alone on the bridge, she still felt conspiratorial. "Everyone loves that kid of yours, Chakotay. You're going to have them lined up outside sickbay to babysit when he's born, and you can take your pick for soh-chim."

Soh-chim. They hadn't given any thought to godparents, or guardians, or all the required baby items, or...names. Chakotay sighed. B'Elanna was right though, there was little worry that they wouldn't have enough help, which was the main issue as far as Kathryn was concerned. The rest would fall in place in due time.

He hoped.

"Did I tell you Neelix has organised a pool of volunteers, people who will take the baby if we're both required to be on the bridge unexpectedly? He really went above and beyond the call of duty." It had been incredibly touching. "It's good to know the crew is taking it so well. We really weren't sure in the beginning how people would react."

"Tom put us both on there." B'Elanna smirked at him. She wasn't sure how Chakotay and the captain could be needed while she and Tom were off duty but, she liked the idea of helping. Even if she had very little idea what to do with a baby.

"Why would anyone find it anything but incredible? I think the worst anyone felt was amused. I mean, sure, there were rumours about you two, then you started dating and that got boring, but once the captain was pregnant everyone got...protective. This is our baby. If anyone tries to hurt her, they'll have to get through the whole crew first, Chakotay."

"That's good to know." Chakotay rested his hand on B'Elanna's shoulder and squeezed tightly. It meant everything in the world to him to know that the Voyager community was willing to act as the village to their child.

He grinned and ducked his head momentarily to compose himself. "We weren't sure if some of the crew might feel it was irresponsible for the captain to get pregnant. No matter how careful she is, it's going to have an effect on the way she does her job. Not to mention..."

Chakotay thought back a few months to when they'd first gotten the news about the baby. "We didn't know if it would seem insensitive. So many people left behind their families. In a way it was like we were parading what they couldn't have in front of them." He patted her again and continued in a quieter voice. "I should have known they wouldn't see it that way."

B'Elanna smirked at him. "You know what Mike told me about that when I asked him? He misses his boys and his wife, but you, you've never had either, and we didn't think the captain had. How could he or anyone else feel badly that you're getting on with your lives."

She gently tapped him on the shoulder with her fist. "We know you didn't have a life before. You need this. So does the captain. None of us are sure she's ever had a life."

Smiling at the end, she hoped he'd understand she meant that in the nicest possible way.

"I think Harry might believe she came out of the Academy a captain."

That made Chakotay laugh. Poor Harry would die of shock if he knew some of the things his strait-laced captain got up to behind closed doors.

"Mike's a good man." It was difficult sometimes to enjoy his own happiness when so many of the crew were denied theirs, but that was the way of the world.

"What about you? Any news of your own to report?" B'Elanna never spoke much about her personal life, but things were clearly changing there as well, although Chakotay wasn't sure how she felt about it.

"You mean you haven't heard us echo down through the deck from the mess hall?"

She scoffed and turned her attention back to the console so she wouldn't have to look at him. Chakotay would know, he always knew, but the whole situation frightened her. She didn't want Tom to hate her; that was new. Usually she didn't care. Most of her relationships ended in a fight. Sometimes she even threw things.

She'd just never felt bad about it before.

"Tom and I are taking recreational arguing to a whole new level; by the end of the expanse we'll have turned pro."

Chakotay grinned in sympathy. B'Elanna must really care about Tom if they were going at it like cats and dogs. She was more like Kathryn than she knew.

"You know, you don't have to automatically push away anybody that comes near." His tone was light so she'd know he wasn't coming down on her. "I've been trying this new thing the last year or so? It's called letting somebody in. I highly recommend it."

Feigning suspicion, B'Elanna glared at the security console before she looked up at him. Beneath the joke, Chakotay meant it. He was happy; foolishly, giddily so. More than she'd ever known him to be. He liked being domestic, taking care of the captain, and he was possibly the most excited new father she'd ever seen. It was cute. She could never tell him that.

"It is really working for you, isn't it?"

He nodded. "It's better than I thought it could be." By about a million percent, but he didn't want to scare her to death.

"I'm not trying to say it was simple though. Even when I knew how I felt about her, it took me a long time to trust how she felt about me. It wasn't easy, but it was definitely worth it."

He knew how she struggled. "You deserve that kind of happiness too, B'Elanna."

"Thanks."

She tried to mean it. Part of her found what the captain and Chakotay had incredible appealing. They were in love: the kind of holonovel love that terrified her more than the Borg or eternity in the black void.

"You're doing it, this relationship thing, really really well." B'Elanna had been continually impressed by how well Chakotay had adapted to being the captain's lover, then the father of her child. "If I had to ever tell Tom I was pregnant--"

She swallowed quickly, had she said that aloud?

Chakotay turned away to hide his amusement. She was much farther gone than he'd realised. He'd never, ever heard B'Elanna refer to herself and motherhood in the same sector let alone the same sentence.

"You might be surprised. If the captain of the ship can adapt, surely the chief engineer would have a shot at it as well?" She was scowling so fiercely now he knew he was on thin ice. Might as well go for broke. "You know, B'Elanna, Paris is a good man. He's been incredible with Kathryn from the time he told her she was pregnant. He's a smarter, kinder, more sensitive person that I would have guessed."

"And the captain has a heart and sense of humour. Funny how we eventually find these things out."

She made the retort light and tried not to look too long at those damn dimples. How the captain ever said no to him was a credit to Janeway's strength. Tom was adorable whenever he talked about the captain, which was rare, because he tried so hard to protect her privacy, but Tom had his tells.

"Having her be okay is really important to him. He's stopped complaining about sickbay."

"He's been a valuable resource to us both, and a great support to Kathryn. Tom's come a long way from the man he was when we first knew him." Chakotay watched her squirm and finally took pity. Squeezing her shoulder, he grinned. "Okay, I'm done, I promise."

Chakotay really was too close not to know she was entirely smitten with Tom Paris. Not that B'Elanna knew what to do with that realisation, other than argue with Tom so they could make up. Making up was something she had rarely bothered to do before, and she liked that almost as much as them arguing.

"I'll keep it in mind."

Her vague answer was for an old question, but she thought Chakotay understood.

"It's nice to care about someone and have them care back. I...I keep waiting for it to go wrong but it hasn't. Maybe it won't. Relationships are so damn vague. There's nothing to pin down and they can go critical at any moment."

His heart ached for her. Chakotay remembered what being that scared felt like. He also remembered what dating someone that scared felt like.

"B'Elanna, you have to remember, you're not the only one whose heart is at risk. He cares about you too; that's obvious to anybody who sees you together." He shook his head at her startled look. "Anybody close to you I meant."

Images of the agonising days between when Kathryn had admitted she had feelings for him and when she told him she wanted to actually be with him floated through Chakotay's mind. "Sometimes it works out. Sometimes people really are who they say they are. Believe me, I know how impossible that seems, but I promise it's true."

"If he had circuits, I'd understand him."

She folded her arms over her chest and tried to take his words to heart. Chakotay really was the expert on happy couples now and B'Elanna loved that he was so content, even if it meant he was full of advice. It was good advice she just...wasn't quite there.

"I might not like him as much if I understood him, so perhaps it's a good thing that he does drive me crazy."

Her smile heated up her chest and she couldn't believe what she was saying until the words were out.

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, having what you and the captain have. Even if I end up stuck with a 'parasitic immature human' infection."

Quoting Seven made it a little easier to think of pregnancy as something within the realm of things that might someday happen to her. Like admitting she was in love, or being promoted to commander. It might happen. Maybe, if Kahless was in a jocular mood.

"She meant well." Kathryn had to interrupt as she emerged from the turbolift. Seven had good intentions, somewhere, beneath her bluntness. "I promise she's very attached, if incredibly confused, about the baby."

"Parasitic..." Chakotay shook his head. He wondered if that was Seven's attempt at humour. It was hard to tell sometimes.

Kathryn smiled pleasantly but there was tension in her face. He wondered if her back was bothering her.

"I hope you get the chance to find out." Chakotay hadn't missed B'Elanna's concession. He patted her arm one last time. "If I can do it, you can do it."

"Only in terms of the way your baby feeds, I promise she meant it in the nicest possible way."

Kathryn quirked half of her mouth into a smile and let him put his arm around her back. B'Elanna seemed a little jumpy, but the void had that effect on all of them some days. She glanced at the fake stars on the viewscreen and had to get a better look. Slipping away from Chakotay, she headed for her chair to get a better view.

"We should have thought of this weeks ago. B'Elanna, it's great."

Watching the captain settle in to her chair, B'Elanna hurried down to the middle deck to explain.

"I programmed it with an automatic shut off, if we ever find anything in this forsaken nothing, it'll shut off automatically."

"Chakotay," Kathryn called back over her shoulder. "It looks like home, doesn't it?"

Watching the woman he loved wriggle unthinkingly in her chair to get comfortable around the swell of their child made his stomach fill with warmth. Even in profile he could see her cheeks flush with delight at B'Elanna's ingenuity, and B'Elanna in turn smile the way she did only when she'd done something to earn Kathryn's approval.

How the hell had he gotten so lucky? A contrary renegade that nobody would have put money on to even finish the race, let alone win it.

"It does look like home." It was home. His lover and his best friend were already continuing their conversation and he doubted they'd even heard him.

"I vote we keep it." Kathryn decided with a quick nod of her head.

B'Elanna's eyebrows shot up in amusement. "Are we starting a democracy?"

"It might shake things up..."

Kathryn ended her thought in a laugh. "And we could use a little shaking up. Good work, Lieutenant, if Tuvok tries to shut it off-"

"I assure you, I will not."

The Vulcan's deep, clear voice cut across the bridge from the turbolift as he entered with Harry in tow.

Shift change on the bridge as well, and Kathryn beamed at them as they entered.

"Isn't it great?"

Harry nodded quickly. "It's much better than the black."

Kathryn started to her feet, and slowed when she remembered how difficult that was starting to get. When she paused, to her surprise, B'Elanna's hand reached down to help her up. Grasping it gratefully, she let the younger woman take some of the burden off of her knees as she stood.

"Thanks."

Chakotay grinned at Tuvok as he came to stand in front of the security station. Ever since the Vulcan had guessed the secret of Kathryn's pregnancy, encouraging Chakotay to get it off his chest, he'd had a deeper appreciation for the man.

If there was anyone on the ship who watched Kathryn's back almost as much as he did himself, it was Tuvok. It was a relief to know there was someone else who kept an eye out for her when Chakotay wasn't around. A sort of bond had formed between them, an understanding based on the knowledge that each cared deeply for Kathryn, albeit in his own way.

Chakotay nodded to Tuvok, a quiet communication in which each man verified that all was well, then smiled at Harry as he passed him. It was a relief to see the end of shift. "Hold down the fort for us, Ensign."

"Aye, Sir, Captain."

Harry watched them go with a shy smile. He had his clarinet carefully stashed beneath the OPS console and he wasn't sure they'd approve. He wasn't sure they'd disapprove either, but he didn't want to take any chances. Tuvok at least appreciated the distraction from the dull viewscreen and the even duller night shift.

B'Elanna held the captain's hand until the older woman released her grip. Janeway was stronger than she looked. She flashed a quick, genuinely touched smile in welcome and slowly returned to clean up her tools before Tuvok could give her a raised disdainful eyebrow. She'd let the captain and Chakotay take the first lift. They tended to look at each other a little too much to be fun to share one with.

Brushing her hand across the back of Tuvok's, Kathryn let him share part of her emotional state. Even though he'd never discuss it, it cheered him, in a stoic, Vulcan way, to know she was happy. He'd be able to feel that yes, she was, before she left.

"Have a good shift, gentlemen. Watch out for Mr. Paris' bogeyman."

Chakotay was at her side when the lift shut. Kathryn thought she'd just heard Harry and B'Elanna giggling about something, and she took Chakotay's arm and wrapped her own tightly around it.

Amusement flickered at the corners of his mouth, watching her. A few tendrils of hair drifted around Kathryn's face, a testimony to the fact that her day hadn't been quite as easy as it could have been, but her eyes were sparkling. He reached out, ostensibly to brush the hair away, but more as an excuse to touch her.

Her cheek was warm and smooth beneath his fingers and the decision he'd come to quietly on the bridge, watching her with B'Elanna, solidified in his mind.

"You're looking pretty pleased with yourself over there." Chakotay couldn't resist teasing her when she was like this. A contented Kathryn was a wonderful thing.

Smiling back at him was perhaps the easiest thing she'd done today. Kathryn relaxed, and patted the back of the hand wrapped around hers. Something had his spirits up, and whatever it was, she'd support it.

"We made it through one more day. Only five hundred or so to go before we're exploring again. We can do this, can't we?"

"We can." Of that he was sure.

Strolling through the corridor, the remaining tension of the day slid off Chakotay's back. They would adapt, the crew would find new ways to keep themselves entertained, and eventually the strange and unfamiliar would seem normal. In the meantime, Kathryn had the right attitude. One day at a time.

Their quarters were quiet and welcoming, a haven from their professional roles. When the door slid closed behind them Chakotay wrapped his arms around her, resting his hands on her lower back. Digging his fingers in gently to the usual sore spots, he bent to kiss her as he'd wanted to for half an hour.

Gasping a little as his fingers found the semi-permanent knots along her spine, Kathryn returned the kiss in surprise. He was in quite a mood and she had no idea why. It didn't make it any less welcome, but she couldn't help staring into his eyes, shocked.

"You're pleased with something."

Chakotay shrugged innocently. "Me? What could I possibly be pleased with?"

He released her and moved over to the sofa, propping his legs up on the table and resting his hands casually behind his neck. "We're stuck here in the Delta Quadrant, the crew's starting to come apart at the seams, even the morale officer has nothing positive to offer, it's pitch black outside every viewport, and there's no possibility of shore leave or a break for another two years."

In spite of his best efforts the smile he'd been holding back threatened to split his cheeks. She'd know he was teasing but that was all right.

Watching him take over the sofa and calmly list everything wrong on the ship, Kathryn retreated towards the replicator. Was it worth the ration to have a snack now instead of waiting for supper? Did she care? Chakotay's smile was far more distracting than food and she had to investigate. Folding her arms over the top of her belly, she tried to read his expression, but he was good at keeping his secrets.

"So you're saying you've finally snapped under the pressure? Leola root sounds incredibly delicious to you and you're thinking of keeping the windows black for the next five years?"

"Hmmm." Chakotay pretended to think for a moment. "You may have a point there. Maybe I have snapped. I can't think of any other reason I could possibly be in a good mood. Lost in the middle of nowhere, light years from everything I knew. Now we're in the middle of this depressing void. It's tragic, really."

Unable to decide if she wanted to hit him, kiss him or ignore him until he decided to stop toying with her, Kathryn glared. When that failed, she tilted her head to the side and went with his sarcasm.

"I suppose being trapped into becoming a father by a cruel twist of fate with subspace anomalies and birth control just makes it worse, doesn't it?"

"It might be the worst part." Chakotay nodded seriously. "I have absolutely no business being pleased with anything. And yet..."

Kathryn was growing impatient. He knew he was terrible to tease her but she was right, he was incredibly pleased and he couldn't seem to help himself.

She was entirely beautiful when she was fired up and that didn't hurt matters either.

Stretching out his hand to her, he smiled. "Bring that death glare over here."

"I might burn you if I get close."

She feigned protest, taking only a single step towards him.

"I have a terrible time controlling it you know. Went through several lovers before you finding that out."

"I wondered how it was that you were available." Chakotay grinned.

"I'm willing to take my chances though. I really think you should come over here." He kept his arm out and wiggled his fingers encouragingly. "Unless you want me to chase you? I doubt you could outrun me in your condition, but I suppose it's worth a try."

"Running would end badly." Kathryn winced and shook her head at the thought. There were tables, and she could always trip on her own feet.

Giving in and taking his hand, she stood above him for a moment. It was a wistful, romantic thought, but he'd appreciate it.

"Have I mentioned I like having you to come home to?"

"That works out well." Chakotay tugged her down beside him on the sofa, more gently than he would have done before the baby. Cupping her cheek he kissed her again, more deeply, then broke away with a satisfied sigh.

"Do you have any idea how happy you make me? You and the baby. It doesn't matter what happens." He motioned around to indicate their quarters, and Voyager, and the blackness beyond. "My life is perfect."

He studied her face, the blue eyes watching him intently, cheeks a little pink, the soft mouth that he couldn't stay away from, and smiled again.

Even though they'd just been joking, when he turned serious, Kathryn had to blink back tears. Her heart was on her sleeve every moment now, and he always found a way to make it burst.

"You have a strange idea of perfection." She couldn't quite surrender but her eyes stung and blinking hadn't stopped her tears from welling over the edge. "Accidental pregnancy in the middle of the Delta Quadrant wasn't exactly how I wanted to start a family."

Kathryn rubbed her belly, apologising to the child within. The timing could have been better, but she didn't love him, or her, any less for it.

"I know." Chakotay put his hand over Kathryn's on the belly. "I also know how hard it's been on you, not just physically but emotionally. It wasn't what we planned but, oh Kathryn." For a moment he was at a loss for words. "It's the greatest thing that could have happened as far as I'm concerned."

He kissed her temple. "B'Elanna was talking a bit about her and Paris, and we talked a little about you and me, and about the baby, and the crew's reaction...nothing we didn't know...and you came onto the bridge." He stroked her stomach, hoping to elicit a kick. "And I watched you with B'Elanna, and I thought how incredibly lucky I am."

Drumming his fingers sometimes got the baby to explore the source of the vibrations. "I love you so much, Kathryn." Chakotay watched his hand. "I keep expecting it to lessen but it doesn't. If anything it gets stronger the longer we're together. And then with Yooneh..." He shook his head.

Deeply romantic confessions apparently weren't enough. Kathryn had to brush the tears out of her eyes while he aroused the baby's curiosity and destroyed the last of her self control. It already was difficult to deal with the baby waking up and turning over to see what his father was doing, something that made her gasp from the motion, even though she bit her lip.

Taking his hand firmly away from her belly, she kissed his wandering fingers lightly.

"I can't listen to you and the baby at the same time. You have to take turns."

Chakotay grinned sheepishly. Kathryn had repeatedly begged him not to wake the baby when she was sleeping but inevitably he forgot.

Her eyes were wet and he moved his guilty fingers to the soft skin around them. "I didn't mean to make you cry." Chakotay kissed her cheek. "Our lives are so busy; there's always so much going on out there and in here. We don't talk a lot about these things and that's all right. We're too busy living, and I like that. I like the way we are."

He drew a deep breath, pulling back from the intensity. "It's just that sometimes I need to say it. I need to know absolutely that you understand how I feel. How happy I am, how much I love you, how thankful I am for this baby, and how perfect my life is."

Tilting his head, as if he'd just thought of something, he ran his fingers casually along Kathryn's jaw. "Actually, there is one thing that would make it even better."

"It doesn't take much to make me cry."

She rested her free hand in his lap and used the other to try and quiet the baby he'd taken such care to stir up. He or she was intent on turning every which way until curiosity was satisfied. No amount of rubbing would calm the baby at the moment.

"How does it get much better than this? You and I and Baby Chaotica..."

Smirking at him, she studied his mysterious smile. He was up to something.

"We can't have another one for at least a year and a half, Chakotay."

He laughed. "Really, Kathryn? We can have another one in a year and a half? I'm going to remember you said that."

Not sure how she'd react to what he was thinking, Chakotay looked into the blue eyes that he loved.

"I want to be married to you. I know it's impossible right now, but I want it out there, in case the opportunity presents itself."

"Why couldn't we get married?"

Kathryn stared at him in shock. Her mind ran through the practicalities first. She had full authority to marry them under Federation law, usually a captain didn't have to write her own marriage certificate, but under these circumstances, what choice did she have?

"It's perfectly legal--"

Then she stopped.

Chakotay wanted to marry her.

Her hand convulsively grabbed his knee. "You do? Me- I mean- you want to marry me?"

Her astonishment wasn't at all what he'd expected and delight washed over him.

She hadn't said no.

"I do want to marry you." Saying the words made them real and the rush of happiness that clogged his throat almost choked him. "I wasn't thinking we could. I don't know why it didn't occur to me. Of course we can." Chakotay looked at her in amazement. "We can, can't we?"

If she wanted to. Watching her face carefully, he realised he had no idea what she was thinking.

"I'm sorry. Whenever I've imagined doing this, it was all a lot more romantic, but today, when I was watching you on the bridge..." He trailed off helplessly. "I didn't want to let another second go by."

"What about me on the bridge?"

She hadn't done anything out of the ordinary, but that was the heart of their relationship. Things between them had never been flashy or romantic, they happened.

Waving off any answer he would have given to her question, Kathryn pressed her fingers together and stared down at her hands. She smiled; it collapsed and Kathryn had to smile again as she looked up.

"You don't have to--"

That wasn't right, he wasn't proposing because he thought he had to. Chakotay genuinely wanted to marry her.

"Romantic." Her voice was failing her. "You don't have to be romantic. I'd say yes if you'd slipped it into a report."

"You'd say yes." Chakotay caressed her cheek and tilted her head up to look at him. "You're saying yes?"

He had to hear it again. "You'll marry me, Kathryn?"

"Yes."

Unable to look into his eyes any longer, she put her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Burying her face in his shoulder, she let her composure collapse completely and clung to him.

Closing his eyes, Chakotay ran his hands up and down her back, murmuring her name. She loved him. She'd marry him.

She even seemed reasonably happy about it.

The baby kicked, hard, and he felt it against his own stomach. Pulling back a little with one arm still around her, he stroked Kathryn's belly. "Yooneh, we won her over. Good work."

"I should have known you'd team up against me."

Shaking her head in mock dismay, Kathryn rubbed her eyes uselessly. Her tears came too fast, but she had no real intention of stopping them. She hadn't cried when Mark or Justin proposed, but then she hadn't been pregnant, so she could blame hormones. She doubted it was but liked the excuse.

"You really want to marry me. You're crazier than I thought."

"I like to live on the edge."

Kathryn's tears made his heart ache. Chakotay sat back on the sofa and pulled her gently against his chest. Stroking her hair, he kissed the top of her head.

"I wasn't sure how you'd feel about it." He felt oddly shy. "I know it won't change anything, not really." Slipping his fingers into hers, he brought her hand up to his lips. "You're already my wife in every way that matters, but I want...I want to stand up with you in front of our friends, our community, and make it official. If that's okay."

"Of course it's okay." She laughed weakly, trying not to sound hysterical. "It's more than okay. It's wonderful, I- well, I'm half-drunk on hormones and I- I don't get proposed to every day."

The last two times anyone had tried to marry her it had turned out so horrifically badly. Kathryn couldn't take that again, but she had no idea how to tell him. Making a real effort to stop her tears, she finally quieted them.

"I have a condition." Kathryn sat up before he could worry, and rested her hand on his chest so he would let her speak. "It has to be soon. Within the month, within the week. I-I don't think I can handle being engaged again."

"As soon as you want. I'd marry you tonight if we weren't both a mess." Chakotay tried to tease away the uncertainty. She'd had so much tragedy in her personal life. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to make her happy.

His fingers covered the hand that was burning a hole to his heart. "It's not going to be like that, not ever again. This time it's going to be a happy ending." It was a reckless thing to say in the Delta Quadrant, but he believed it. He believed it with everything in him.

As if the baby could tell his mother was so upset, he turned within her. Kathryn imagined him trying to comfort her, or taking his father's word that everything would be fine. Bringing his hand back to her belly, so he could feel the effect he'd had on the baby, she nodded to him.

"We'll take your word on that."

"You can," Chakotay promised. "You both can. You and Baby No Name are my whole world. I'm not giving that up. Not now, not ever." 

He brushed her cheek. "Do you know that B'Elanna told me today the whole crew feels like the baby belongs to them. Even if that's only half true, it's still pretty incredible. She said anybody who wanted to hurt either one of you would have to get through the entire ship's complement first. I'd say we're in good shape, all things considered."

Hugging her tightly again, he whispered in her ear. "Everything's going to be okay."


	11. Chapter 11

She knew she should go back to her quarters, try to sleep, eat, do something normal, follow the Doctor's advice and start trying to get her life back on track.

And she would, she really would. Just not quite yet.

B'Elanna glanced around the mess hall. Sometime in the last half hour even Neelix had left and she was the only one in the room. The lighting was dimmed to late evening but it suited her. For the first time in a very long time she felt something like relaxed. Changing locations could disrupt it, and she wasn't ready to risk that just yet.

It might have been the longest week of her life. That awful confrontation with Chakotay on the holodeck, where he'd seen the program with the slaughtered Maquis. The disappointment in Tom's eyes when she pushed him away yet again. Harry's gentle concern when she couldn't be bothered challenging Seven. She had an awful lot of making up to do and no real idea of where to start. 

The doors slid quietly open, startling her out of her reverie. The captain walked differently now, more of a sway and a shuffle to accommodate the growing baby, but B'Elanna would know her step anywhere.

Shame ran hot and cold down her spine. The last time she'd seen the captain was in sickbay. She'd clearly known B'Elanna was lying to her about the injuries, but she hadn't gotten angry, or critical. Just insisted gently that she knew something was wrong, and reminded B'Elanna that she wasn't alone.

Which wasn't great news. At the time B'Elanna had wanted nothing more than to be left alone. Now she wasn't sure what she wanted.

Not being able to sleep wasn't new to Kathryn. In fact, the amount of time she'd spent sleeping had been less than recommended since the Academy, possibly even high school. However, this was a new variation. She was tired, that happened most of the time now, no matter what she was doing but the baby would shift and press against something sensitive, or their quarters would be too hot and she'd get restless. Once she was awake, it was a lost cause.

Thankfully, Chakotay had learned to let her go, because having both of the command team exhausted on the bridge in the morning was never a good thing. So she wandered, until she found something to do and her body eventually decided to pursue sleep.

Tonight in the mess hall, B'Elanna looked up and quickly looked down again when Kathryn saw her. Smiling over, Kathryn didn't say anything. B'Elanna's work habits had improved since she'd saved the probe, and Chakotay said she was healing. Better not to rush her.

Heading for the kitchen, she stared up at Neelix's vast array of spices on the overhead rack and wondered what possible organisation system he could be using that wasn't based on chaos theory. When none came to mind, she sighed and started a grid search pattern. Kathryn couldn't see past the third row back, and she doubted she could reach past the first, but she had a mission, and she hated giving up on anything. Even if it was warm milk, which she'd despised most of her life and inexplicably decided she actually liked three weeks ago.

When the captain disappeared behind the counter, B'Elanna's stomach relaxed. She wasn't going to push her, criticise her, or even demand that she talk. Instead she'd smiled that warm smile and gone rummaging for a snack.

The poor captain. B'Elanna grinned to herself and the ice around her heart melted a little. Chakotay said he'd seen her eat more in the last month than in all the time they'd been together.

Knowing what she had to do didn't make it any easier. A thousand times she'd been in this position of needing to make amends. For long stretches of her life she hadn't bothered, just let the bridges burn and to hell with who or what was on the other side. Since her time on Voyager, she'd started to recognise the value of seeing things through, fighting then making up, taking responsibility and trusting the other person wouldn't grind you into the ground at the first sign of vulnerability.

Not that that made it much easier.

Twice she started to stand then sat back down, which was irritating and cowardly. On her third try she forced her legs to take her back into the kitchen.

"Captain, I wondered if I could talk to you." 

Taking her eyes from the elusive and daunting spice rack in surprise, Kathryn looked over at B'Elanna and smiled. Maybe she really did have a 'the baby made me do it' grin that was as haplessly adorable as ship's gossip supposedly insisted. Smiling didn't feel any different, even if everything else did.

"B'Elanna, if you can reach Neelix's cocoa powder you can talk about anything you want."

Momentarily surprised, B'Elanna snapped to and reached for the offending container. She was no taller than the captain, but infinitely freer in her movements and she had no problem retrieving the item.

"I didn't know you liked cocoa." Curiosity overrode the sick twisty feeling in her gut for the moment. "You never seem to have much of a sweet tooth. Chakotay was known for it, you know." B'Elanna smiled shyly, remembering. "We used to tease him. This big scary Maquis raider who loved sugar like a little kid."

Kathryn giggled, picturing her husband with a cookie in each hand in her mother's kitchen wasn't that difficult. She half-winced when she heard herself laughing but let it go. Fighting her hormones just took energy.

"I don't, not really. At least, I didn't. Coffee ice cream was about as decadent as I ever got. But I can't sleep, I'm always hungry, and to be honest, I've been thinking about my mother. She bakes cookies, brownies, cakes; all of them much better than I can."

Taking eggs, butter and milk out of Neelix's refrigeration unit, she set them on the counter and met B'Elanna's eyes with a mischievous grin.

"We won't have to tell her if they don't turn out."

B'Elanna's eyes widened. "Really? You want to try it? I don't know." She was doubtful, but intrigued.

"The last thing I tried to cook from scratch ended up on the ceiling of my Academy dorm room." Digging around in the cupboard beside Neelix's prep area, B'Elanna unearthed a large bowl and some smaller ones.

The tension in her jaw reminded her she hadn't done what she'd come in here to do.

Leaning against the table, B'Elanna crossed her arms. "Captain, I want to apologise to you for what happened in sickbay. I lied about my injuries. I don't really have a good excuse. I was confused and embarrassed and I thought I could handle it myself. You were trying to help me, I know that now. I'm sorry." She released the last of the breath she'd sucked in and tried to relax her stance. At least it was out.

B'Elanna was tense, and Kathryn's heart ached for the younger woman. She'd lied and tried to hide what she was going through. If Chakotay hadn't known her as well as he did...Kathryn hated to think what could have happened. How did she explain that? Grief was one of the most difficult emotions to deal with.

Instead of joking about her cooking ability, Kathryn looked down at the bowl and realised she did know what to say.

"Sometimes trying to deal with something like grief or pain alone just makes it worse. It can get so bad that everything around you gets grey and it doesn't feel like there's anything worth living for."

Unconsciously rubbing her belly, she dropped the butter into the bowl and forced herself to look up. B'Elanna should hear her story, if Kathryn could find the strength to tell her.

"My father was an admiral. I don't think I've ever talked about him, have I? I idolised him in everything he did. When I was a lieutenant, I went with him, testing a new ship he'd designed called the Terra Nova. It wasn't very important, but it was with my father, on his ship. My fiancé came with us. They were starting to get along."

Kathryn poured sugar into the bowl and watched it cover the butter like snow. Looking up, she had to blink back tears. She was going to finish. B'Elanna deserved to know.

"Something went wrong. Design flaw. We crashed. My father. My fiancé, Justin. Both of them died and I went to sickbay on the rescue ship. I went home, and they sank to the bottom of a frozen sea. I went home...and didn't get out of bed for a very long time. Not for my mother, who'd lost her husband. Not for my sister, who'd also lost her father. I stayed there because I couldn't face what was outside that room. That I'd lived and two people I loved died."

Grabbing one of Neelix's brightly coloured towels, Kathryn balled it up in her hands instead of drying her face.

"I imagine my sister was a lot like Chakotay. She nagged me and hounded me and kept at me until I got out of bed, and went on with my life."

Leaning heavily on the counter behind her, she looked down at the towel, twisting it in her hands.

"I can't say I understand what you've lost, or what you're going through. If you need to talk or if you need someone to tell you how much this ship needs you, and how grateful we are that you're alive and here with us--"

"Captain, I--" B'Elanna couldn't find the words. The captain's pain washed over her, melding with her own, and her tears made B'Elanna's eyes sting. She blinked reflexively but the truth wasn't as easy to push back.

"I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to have happen. I imagine you felt about as lost as I do." She ran a hand roughly through her hair and tried to put her thoughts into some kind of order.

"I wasn't trying to hurt myself. I wouldn't do that. I know you all depend on me and I value my place on Voyager." It was incredibly important that the captain understand that. "I just wanted to feel something, anything. I've been dead inside since Chakotay told me what happened. It scared me, that deadness."

"I was very lost for a long time." Kathryn turned away, looking for a spoon and using the excuse to turn her back and dry her eyes before they gave too much away. How long had it been since she spoke about her father?

"I didn't know why I was still alive, or what I wanted to do."

Turning back to B'Elanna, Kathryn handed her the spoon. Their hands touched and Kathryn squeezed B'Elanna's as warmly as she could.

"You mix this while I get more chocolate from the replicator. Would you believe Seven donated me half of her replicator rations because taste is irrelevant to her and my eating habits have become eighty-three percent more demanding?"

Speaking as she shuffled to the replicator, Kathryn returned with the baking chocolate. Setting it down, she answered B'Elanna.

"I'm glad, and relieved you're not trying to hurt yourself. I need you to keep my ship together and I, well, you're the closest thing my husband has to family out here and I--" She had to stop before she really embarrassed the poor young woman.

The concoction in the bowl in front of her looked less like batter and more like lumps of mud, but B'Elanna stirred gamely. "Chakotay's always looked out for me."

Her attempt to scrape the sides didn't improve things. She growled at it slightly and added the extra chocolate. "On the holodeck he really pushed me. I told him later if he ever did anything like that again I'd break his neck." B'Elanna stopped stirring and glanced up at the captain. "He also told me that Voyager's my family now."

She set the spoon down in something like defeat. "I've lost everyone and everything I've ever cared about. It's hard to trust that." It felt better, saying it out loud.

Taking the batter with a little prayer, Kathryn poured and scraped until it was all mostly where it was meant to be in the pan. She had no idea how reliable Neelix's oven was, but they could watch them. It would give them time.

"And you think if you care now and let Voyager be your family, you'll just lose us and have to go through everything all over again."

B'Elanna nodded. "Something like that." Sliding a finger along the edge of the empty bowl, she captured a drop of leftover batter and popped her finger into her mouth. It wasn't bad.

"Chakotay reminded me that eventually we do lose people, that it's just a part of life. But he also said I was stuck with you all." She smirked. "He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes."

Watching the other woman scowl at the oven made her smile. Chakotay insisted they were more alike than they knew; apparently it was truer than B'Elanna had realised.

"Captain..." Maybe it was the late hour, or the physical closeness, or maybe it was just the kindness the captain had offered her. "Why did you marry Chakotay? I mean-- I know you love him, and it's obvious how he feels about you but...after everything that happened, weren't you scared?"

Kathryn tore her attention away from the oven. She couldn't force it to work through willpower and B'Elanna had asked a complicated question.

Lazily running her finger over the batter-covered spoon, she tried to think.

"I didn't think marriage mattered to him." That much was easy. "We didn't talk about it when we decided we wanted to be together, and getting pregnant was such a shock, mostly to me, that we ignored the question then too."

She sucked the batter off of her finger and grinned wistfully. B'Elanna might appreciate how pathetically she'd responded.

"I burst into tears when he asked. I had thought that marriage didn't mean anything to either of us, that we didn't need it. We were going to be together as long as we could, and that was that."

Smiling sweetly across the bowl, Kathryn lowered her voice, as if sharing a secret.

"I was terrified. I still am. One of a thousand things could go wrong out here, I'll lose Chakotay and it will be my fault. It doesn't matter what it is, I'm his captain. I might have to give the order that kills him. That fear is with me every day."

The baby chose that moment to shift, smacking against her ribs as it moved. Wincing a little, she pressed against her belly, trying to dislodge his foot.

"I wouldn't trade Chakotay, to not be afraid. No more than I would give up Baby Trouble here to sleep better, or to have not been as nauseated as I was. Fear, loss, pain: they're all things we can conquer. They exist to be conquered. You have more fears when you love people but you have so much more to help yourself beat them."

B'Elanna stood for a moment, letting the captain's words wash over her, then nodded. "I tend to forget that last part." Rubbing the back of her neck, she suppressed a yawn. Her mind was full to bursting with everything they'd discussed, but her heart was content, at least for now. She'd be thinking about this stuff for days.

For the first time in quite a while, she was actually tired. Maybe she'd go and crawl in with Tom when they were done here. The idea of sleeping wrapped up against him was suddenly very appealing.

The captain was rubbing her belly. "Is it hurting you? It - the baby I mean, sorry. Have you chosen a name?"

Watching B'Elanna yawn, she relaxed. Being sleepy was a good sign that the young woman was starting to feel better.

Though she would have rather finished scraping the last of the brownie batter into her mouth with her fingers, Kathryn had both hands on her belly. The baby's current position was distinctly uncomfortable; something hard was right underneath her ribs. Where her organs had been, until recently.

"He, she, it, unborn subunit of Chakotay and I." Kathryn sighed and tried to stop wincing quite so obviously. "It's a huge responsibility, naming a child. We've discussed it, but we haven't gotten very far."

The baby shifted again, relieving the pressure in one spot and finding a new tender place down beneath her navel. It wan't fair.

"And I don't know if I would say it hurts. Tonight's pretty intense. That's why I'm down here instead of sleeping."

"I wondered. I'm glad you were here. Well, not that you were uncomfortable. But I wanted the chance to tell you I was sorry. I'm glad I got it."

B'Elanna looked down at her fingers. Talking about personal things never seemed to get any simpler, no matter how many times she had to do it, but the captain had obviously tried to make it as easy for her as she could. It was sweet and sort of comforting somehow.

"I'm sure Baby's quite happy to oblige."

Kathryn studied her, then circled the table and hugged her close before B'Elanna could do anything about it.

"You don't have to apologise to me. I'm just glad you're all right."

B'Elanna stiffened automatically. She wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a hugger, and even Chakotay's encouraging shoulder pats were hard to take at times. But when the captain didn't let go she found herself relaxing. Tired of fighting everyone and herself, she let the warmth of the kindness flow through her, soothing the sore places.

A quick jab to her stomach caused her to jump back in amazement. "What-- That was--" She grinned and looked at the captain, already knowing the answer. "Was that the baby?"

"Unless this is a very very strange delusion of mine..."

Kathryn trailed off and smiled wryly. B'Elanna had actually relaxed after the first few awkward moments. Her heart warmed even further. Rubbing at the sore spot, she wondered if she could bruise from the inside out. Tom would laugh when she asked, but he wasn't the one being turned into a hoverball court.

"I'm sorry if that startled you. He, or she, is rebelling against something already."

"No, no, it's fine, it's..." B'Elanna was surprised by the sense of wonder. She'd always been so cynical. "That's pretty incredible actually. Wow."

She studied the captain's stomach, as if there were something to see, her engineer's mind turning. "Could I...I mean would you mind...Can you get her to do it again?"

Kathryn couldn't believe even B'Elanna was intrigued. Tom was easy, he was a soft touch just beneath the surface. Tuvok loved children and he was the only one who stilled the baby instead of exciting her. 

"I can't get her to stop doing it."

She sighed and leaned against the table, pulling her uniform taut over her swollen skin. Her size four was definitely in the past at the moment.

"I'm not sure if there's much to see yet. Chakotay likes to get her all stirred up by tapping on my skin. He's convinced she can feel him that way. I think he just doesn't want me to sleep. You can feel her, if you want to."

"Really? You don't mind? I've never...none of my friends have ever been pregnant." B'Elanna looked up quickly to see if the captain reacted to the word 'friends', but she didn't seem shocked or offended.

She had to stop assuming the worst about people. Especially people who'd given her no reason to.

"How do I-- Where should I put my hand?" All this touching was a bit awkward but she couldn't resist the chance to feel the baby kick again.

B'Elanna's friends had all been so young. Kathryn wasn't surprised that none of them had children. The Maquis couldn't have been the safest place. Not that a lone starship in the Delta Quadrant was, by any means but that wasn't important. Here, whomever this baby turned out to be, he or she would have family. That was what mattered.

"Few of my friends ever found time to have children, and the ones who do, I've rarely found time to see."

Kathryn reached out for B'Elanna's hand easily, as if they did this all the time.

"Samantha Wildman let me feel Naomi a few times and I just couldn't get over how strange and wonderful it was. Now it drives me a little crazy, but it's no less wonderful."

Pressing B'Elanna's hand into her belly quickly, she covered it with her own.

"There she is. Absolutely uninterested in sleeping."

The kicks were surprisingly strong. B'Elanna hadn't expected that a human baby would exhibit that kind of force. "No wonder you're uncomfortable." She couldn't help but admire the tiny being.

Holding her hand there, feeling the baby push back, B'Elanna understood why Tom was so enamoured. She'd been supportive of the captain and Chakotay's relationship from the beginning, and the pregnancy had been a piece of good news for sure, but feeling the actual movement made it all seem real. No wonder people thought having a baby was such a big deal.

She removed her hand finally, reluctantly, and smiled at the captain. "Thank you. That was really incredible. I can see why Chakotay tries to get her going." B'Elanna grinned. "Not that I blame you for getting frustrated."

Kathryn sighed, knowing she was hopeless. Looking down at her belly, she stroked it lovingly.

"I'll complain now but then when she's out I'll miss having her here. I've never been this close to anyone. She's right here, all of the time. Even when she makes it hard to concentrate, she's here with me and we might never be this close again."

Had Kathryn just admitted she worried she might be a terrible mother? She'd thought about it often and her husband did everything he could to ease her concerns. How many times would she have to put the ship first before the baby resented her for it?

Shaking it off, Kathryn forced herself to smile. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna."

B'Elanna shook her head. "Don't apologise." She wasn't entirely sure what had happened but there was a change in the captain.

She looked sad all of the sudden.

Running through the last couple minutes of conversation, B'Elanna thought she might understand. "It's not a science or engineering puzzle that has a definite solution, is it? I mean, a baby, that's something with a lot of variables."

It seemed ridiculous for B'Elanna to assume she could reassure the captain. She'd never had a baby, had no idea what the other woman was going through. It had to be scary as hell though, that much she understood.

"Worse than abstract algebra."

Kathryn smiled a little and put her fears back in their place. No one felt ready to be a parent, not even her mother whom she missed terribly. 

"It's all new, all theoretical, without a hypothesis or a manual. I'm better qualified to build a starship from nothing than parent a child."

Sighing and closing her eyes, Kathryn allowed herself one last moment of doubt.

"B'Elanna, I've always thought that if I was lucky enough to have a child, I'd have my mother there, at least on subspace. It frightens me more than I'd like to admit not to have her."

Taking B'Elanna's hand again, Kathryn held it to comfort herself this time.

"However, out here I have Tuvok, Mike Ayala and Samantha Wildman to give me parenting advice, Tom to remind me that the baby can't kick her way out and you, to listen to me when I'm afraid. And I'm very lucky."

It was beyond touching to be included on the captain's list of supports, and she blinked and swallowed hard. The hormonally emotional thing must be contagious.

Placing her hand over the other woman's so it was sandwiched, B'Elanna squeezed. "You do have us, you know. For everything, anything you need. We're here."

"I know." Kathryn's voice barely worked and she repeated herself, just in case she hadn't said anything at all.

"I know."

She couldn't stop herself from crying but it felt right to have tears on her skin. These were good tears.

"I don't know how I've been this lucky."

B'Elanna knew how that felt. "It's pretty incredible, what we have here."

Kathryn nodded her head slowly, completely overcome. B'Elanna's hands were her lifeline and she clung to them tightly.

"This is why we risk pain and loss. For this, and Chakotay and Tom."

The heat radiated up her neck. Tom.

"Yeah, well...I'm not sure I'm doing so great in that area. I've been pretty rotten to him too. For some reason he's still speaking to me."

B'Elanna shook her head ruefully. "I try, I really do. I just...always seem to mess it up."

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Kathryn released B'Elanna's hands and gestured towards the oven.

"Telling him the truth is easiest."

She grabbed Neelix's heat protectors for her hands and looked at the oven. Getting them in had been a little tricky. Getting the brownies out was going to require more bending than she currently trusted herself to do with hot things.

"Tom's very understanding, even though he doesn't let it show often. He's been so patient with me, I've nearly thrown up on him, two or three times. I'm certain he'll forgive you."

Maybe the captain had a point and it could all be worked out. That was what was supposed to happen with family, right?

Crouching down to look into the oven, Kathryn lost her balance and ended up sitting down unceremoniously on the floor. Holding the heat protectors up so B'Elanna could take the brownies out, she tilted her head thoughtfully. There was a cute name for them she couldn't remember.

Wrapping her arm over her belly, she watched from a safe distance.

"Who knows, maybe I'll even get to marry you some day."

This time the blush overtook her and she turned away gruffly, setting the brownies down on the counter a little harder than was strictly necessary. B'Elanna stood for a minute and wrestled her vulnerability back into submission.

Turning back to the captain, she glared, but tempered it with a small smile. "That's not funny. I'm hardly the marrying kind."

"I'm sure Chakotay wasn't either."

B'Elanna's glare and her smile were incredibly charming. Kathryn knew she was supposed to look chagrined, but instead she held up her hands for help getting to her feet.

"It's not that bad, marriage. You get to tell him what to do, and he's always wrong when you need him to be.

Pulling the captain to her feet, B'Elanna nodded thoughtfully. "That's true as far as Chakotay. I never, ever thought I'd see the day." More than one heart had been broken, trying to pin him down.

Marriage. B'Elanna was hoping for something that might last longer than the usual couple of weeks; she hadn't dared dream past that. She and Tom had been friends for a while, more than friends for a shorter time. Already she knew he wasn't like anybody she'd ever met, but as far as what that meant...she'd laid awake more than one night trying to figure it out.

Not that she was about to confess that.

"He's pretty good about being wrong already." The admission was grudging, but it was true. "I think I might like to not have it end."

Patting B'Elanna's shoulder with one hand, Kathryn looked for a knife with the other. The fairly uneven, slightly bubbly on the crust, brownies would be too hot, and she'd probably burn her fingers, but she didn't really mind too much. She wanted the chocolate enough to risk her fingers.

"Not having things end can be nice sometimes."

Kathryn's hand was clumsy and she cut vague four-sided polygons that were close to being squares. Dragging one out, she dropped it on the counter and popped her fingers in her mouth.

"Dammit."

Taking her fingers out to blow on them, she smirked about her husband. "Marriage is good for Chakotay. He's happy. Calmer somehow. I have to remind myself that somehow that came from me."

"It does come from you." B'Elanna nodded. "It might be hard for you to see because you didn't know him before. He's a really different person since we came onto Voyager, and even more so since you got married. He's so...happy." B'Elanna smiled. "That's what it is. He's really happy."

She'd never really thought about it, but there was a core group of them, mostly former Maquis, who were happier in the Delta Quadrant than they'd ever been in the Alpha.

"He deserves to be." Picking up the discarded brownie and blowing on it, Kathryn continued, "I can't imagine my life without him and not just because I'm carrying an extra seven or eight kilos around with me to remind me."

"There are good things that happen after we experience loss. Loss will always be with us, but hope and family are always with us too."

Victoriously taking a bite of the brownie, which was gooey, sweet, sticky and more chocolatey than was probably healthy, Kathryn closed her eyes and sighed.

"Nothing like my mother's, but still worth the effort." 

B'Elanna smiled at the captain's elation. Her heart felt lighter than it had in weeks. "Captain, I-- Thank you. I mean, I feel better, I--" Why were words always so damn hard? "Thank you. I appreciate it. The talk I mean."


	12. Chapter 12

"If you're not going to finish that--"

Kathryn looked up hopefully at his plate as he passed her on the way to the replicator. There was still sauce from his lasagna, and melted and re-congealed cheese, and she had bread. Just in case he protested, she smiled innocently.

"I like it cold."

Chakotay looked at his wife with amusement. "I never thought I'd see the day when you could out-eat me. It's remarkable. The baby must be soaking in the calories like a sponge."

Patting the belly, he kissed her cheek as he put the plate in front of her. "I can get you more salad as well if you like."

"No, thank you."

She took his plate happily and set it next to hers. While he'd had lasagna, something the replicator did surprisingly well vegetarian, she'd had some kind of Thai spiced fish, and rice, and almost all of the salad.

"I still have brownies I can eat after."

Having smuggled the brownies back from the mess hall, she'd eaten most of them during the day, but there were some left.

"B'Elanna helped me make them. She was up in the mess hall too last night." 

"Ahhh--" Chakotay looked up guiltily from his tea. "You don't have as many left as you think you do. I didn't eat them all, I promise. Just a couple. They were surprisingly good." He smiled charmingly.

"B'Elanna was with you last night? Did she talk to you?" He knew she'd been working up to it.

Kathryn tossed the end of the loaf of bread in his direction and mocked a glare.

"I think that was her influence. I can't cook, maybe she dragged me up from the gutter."

Setting down the bread she was using to meticulously clean his plate, she folded her hands seriously. Staring at her fingers, she nodded and began to smile before she looked back up.

"She apologised. I told her I didn't need an apology, I just wanted her to be all right, and then I started to cry..."

Chakotay smiled sympathetically. Kathryn was still far more emotional than she'd been before the pregnancy, and her emotions much less easily contained, but she'd learned to cope with it. From his point of view it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, but he appreciated it made things awkward for her sometimes.

"What did B'Elanna do?" Tears weren't always the easiest thing for their friend.

"She handled it very well, I have to say."

Reaching across the table for his hands, she took them gently. The heat of his touch warmed her fingers and crept up her arms.

"I told her about Justin, and my father, and then I was really hopeless. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone, that anyone can have an incredibly hard time dealing with loss."

Momentarily surprised by her reaching for him, Chakotay's chest warmed at Kathryn's words. "You told her about the accident?"

His heart flooded with pride. He couldn't believe she'd share that, but he should've known better. There was very little she wouldn't do for her crew and she had a soft spot in her heart for their problem-child engineer.

"That was incredibly generous of you. Not to mention kind." Chakotay wondered if Kathryn knew exactly how much B'Elanna looked up to her. He doubted it, she tended not to realise how much of a role model she was for the younger officers. It would make a world of difference for B'Elanna to know what Kathryn had been through, and triumphed over.

She couldn't really see how sharing that tragedy was generous; she squeezed his hands again before returning to the last of her dinner.

"She promised me she wasn't trying to hurt herself."

Kathryn paused, her fork hovering in the air.

"I might not have needed her to apologise, but, Chakotay, I needed her to say that. I didn't know I had been that concerned, and then I was crying again and the baby woke up and it was..."

She munched the last of the salad as she thought.

"Emotionally exhausting, but gratifying. I didn't realise how much it meant to have her know I need her. Not just as her captain, but as her friend. She's family."

"She is." He had no problem with that idea. "B'Elanna's not easy. She lets herself become isolated. I don't think she's even aware of it until it's too late."

Pushing his chair back, Chakotay stood to stretch his legs and watched Kathryn finish the remains of their meal. "I feel bad that I let it get so far. I pride myself on knowing what's happening with the crew, then B'Elanna of all people falls to pieces and I miss it." He shook his head in frustration. "When I think of what could have happened it scares the hell out of me."

"No one expects you to be perfect."

Kathryn stood slowly, letting her weight settle into her hips before she let go of her chair and the support of the table. She carried the plates to the replicator and let them vanish. Watching her husband pace, she wished she had a way to tell him how much he did to keep the crew going, and how important it was to her.

"She hid it very well. Grief can be like that, hiding beneath the surface so no one sees. The important thing is that you protected her, helped her, reminded her how much we're counting on her."

The baby was quiet this evening, and perhaps he actually slept. She smiled weakly at him, rested her hands on the top of her belly and leaned against the bulkhead.

"You were exactly what she needed, Chakotay."

He smiled. Kathryn was quick to forgive him, and to remind him when he needed to forgive himself. It was true, if someone was determined to hide how they were truly feeling, you were pretty much shut out.

Still.

"I can't seem to let to of the idea that if I weren't so wrapped up in my own life, I would have caught it sooner." It was hard, admitting that, even to himself.

Crossing to the sofa behind him, Kathryn sank into it and watched him pace. He was still upset, which she couldn't fault him for. She also couldn't tell if he was still upset about the Maquis, or if he was just worried about B'Elanna and how she was handling her loss. It was his loss too, and they hadn't discussed it as much as perhaps he needed to. Did she want to break his thoughts and bring up the touchy subject?

She needed to know he was all right.

"Do you mean me and the baby?"

The question was softer than she intended; maybe even guilty.

"No. Yes." He stopped moving to look at her. "No. I didn't mean that how it sounded."

Kathryn's eyes were uncertain and Chakotay's stomach dropped. He hadn't meant to get into all this. They were having a quiet dinner, she was tired, he was tired - they didn't need a lot of turmoil.

He crossed the room to sit beside her, turning his body on the sofa to face her.

"You and the baby mean everything to me. I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm...reveling in it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that."

Looking down, he gathered his thoughts for a moment. "I just meant that if I hadn't been so lost in what we have, in this incredible good fortune that seems to have dropped into my lap from nowhere," his throat tightened and he fought to swallow down whatever was threatening to choke him, "maybe I would have known B'Elanna was in trouble. Maybe I could have done something for her before it got this far."

Kathryn stroked his cheek, then followed her hand with a kiss. She rested her face against his and sighed.

"We can't control what others do. B'Elanna chose to come back to us. She could have just as easily chosen to keep pushing the whole ship away and she didn't. She conquered her own demons, and with a little luck, she'll stay with us."

Pulling back, she lowered her gaze before she looked at him. She loved him so much. If he was still grieving, she had to know.

"Chakotay...are you all right? You've lost just as much as B'Elanna has, and I- I haven't been as available as I should be."

"You've been a little busy." Kathryn's gentleness quieted the turmoil. Having her close to him still brought peace and it was something he depended on even now.

"Besides, I know you're here. This connection, being with you," Chakotay smiled at her. "This is what keeps me going."

"Our timing's not very good, is it?"

Leaning across, she kissed him again, this time lingering on the corner of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I know this must be hard for you. You have a whole ship to take care of, and me, and in the middle of all of that I'm springing a baby on you."

Her hands ended up in his lap, resting on his thighs, and she forced herself not to fidget.

"I love you. I'd be so lost without you."

The tenderness in her voice made his heart ache. It had taken Kathryn a long time to get comfortable with verbal expressions of love, and it moved him every time she said it.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Kathryn."

Shifting his body, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back against him. This was the easiest way to hold her now, with her back to his chest. He slid his hands over the belly, being careful not to nudge or bump her. He was pretty sure the baby was quiet and Kathryn could use the rest.

"I know you love me. You show me all the time." Chakotay kissed her neck. It was true and he wanted her to know it.

"We live a crazy life out here. It's never easy, even when it's good."

He smiled against her shoulder. "As far as springing a baby on me, I'm pretty sure that was a two-person operation. At least, I don't remember complaining during the creation phase of things." 

Being held calmed her the way nothing else could. His lips on the back of her neck made her shiver, delighted and safe. Kathryn turned her head slightly towards him, smiling easily now.

"I can't remember you saying much of anything."

They'd been so much wilder then. Making love against bulkheads and on her desk were and would be distant memories for a few more months. Placing her hands over his, she toyed with his fingers lovingly.

"It's still incredible isn't it? One moment we're making love, and the next...he or she was here, taking root inside me."

"It's amazing. I think sometimes, if we'd had our way she wouldn't be here, at least not yet, but already I can't imagine our life without her. I put my hands on you and I feel her, and it's like I already know her. Or him."

Chakotay rested his chin lightly on her shoulder, watching Kathryn play with his fingers.

"The biggest decisions of my life were taken out of my hands." He said it without bitterness, for the most part they'd worked out very well. "It's odd to think we have so little control, but I guess that's true for everybody."

"If anyone had given me the choice to become pregnant or not, I never would have chosen this. Not now, not here...and yet--"

She turned her head far enough back to kiss his cheek.

"I'm happy with this baby. I adore her. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful she'll be. If she'll have your eyes, what it will feel like to have him nursing, or grabbing my fingers."

Kathryn brought his hand up to her breast and held it there. They were much larger than they had ever been, and nearly always sore, but it was for good purpose.

"Can you picture her? Or him?"

"Sometimes." Chakotay cupped her breast and stroked softly. "I imagine dark hair and eyes, because genetically the probability is greatest. Sadly." He tugged on a lock of Kathryn's reddish hair. "Skin halfway between yours and mine."

He nuzzled her neck and nipped gently. His mind was occupied with other things and his heart was still heavy from their earlier conversation, but he'd have to be dead five years before his body didn't respond to holding and touching her.

Resting his cheek against her hair, he dropped his hand down to entwine his fingers with Kathryn's. "It's when I try to imagine his personality that I get lost. Sometimes I think he'll be strong, fiery, stubborn, because of the way we both are. Then I think, maybe quiet, shy, dreamy even?" Chakotay shook his head. "Your sister's artistic. I had an uncle who spoke several languages. It's fascinating to consider."

"Have you thought any more about names?"

She squeezed his fingers, absolutely content. He was here, and nothing was going to interrupt them for the rest of the night. They had time.

"Artist or security officer, Baby here's going to need to be called something, and sooner than we think."

"Maybe we should let Tom name her. He named the Delta Flyer."

He had thought about it but nothing seemed quite right. "It's hard to choose a name for someone you know nothing about."

Chakotay sighed and let his body relax further into the sofa, keeping Kathryn close to him. "What about you? Any ideas? Do you want to name the baby after someone important to you?"

Curling her legs up onto the sofa, Kathryn patted his hand and shook her head.

"He'll name her Arachnia or him Chaotica and we'll never hear the end of it."

She giggled a little and hesitated.

"We're not big on namesakes in the Janeway family. My parents liked Kathryn because it's traditional and they love history and tradition. Phoebe's the same. I think I like Evan but I don't have a reason. Do we have to have a reason?"

"We definitely don't." He was surprisingly relieved. Naming after carried a lot of responsibility in Chakotay's tradition, which wasn't very practical in the Delta Quadrant.

"Evan." Letting the name roll around in his mind and on his tongue, he pictured a chubby, dark-haired baby boy. "I like it. I don't think I've ever heard it before."

"I-"

Why was this so embarrassing to admit, she had no idea. Her cheeks burned a little and the heat crept down her neck.

"I was looking through the Federation database of names. I like the way it sounds with Janeway. We are, I mean, I didn't ask. It is all right with you if the baby's last name is Janeway, isn't it?"

Chakotay could feel the tension in her body, as intense as a sudden lightning storm. Confused, he slid around slightly so he could see her face. She was thoroughly flustered.

Surprised and somewhat amused, he touched her cheek. "What else did you think we'd use?" His voice was teasing but gentle. 

"I don't know."

Chakotay seemed so amused that Kathryn began to blush in earnest. It wasn't that funny, was it?

"I didn't want to presume. Evan's not enough of a name to go wandering around the galaxy without a surname, but I don't want to force you to accept Janeway because it's what I want. I'd rather not hyphenate something because that just gets so confusing--"

She cut herself off and laughed weakly. "I'm sorry, Chakotay."

He bent forward and kissed her, burying his fingers in her hair.

"It's okay, I shouldn't tease you." He was still smiling though. Her cheeks were pink and he kissed them as well.

"You're right, we've never talked about it, I just assumed. Evan Janeway; I like it. Now what if it's a girl?"

Kathryn stared at him in amazement. She'd worried about it and all this time he'd just assumed the baby would carry her surname. If she didn't love him...

Smacking his shoulder lightly, she lay down on the sofa with her head in his lap in a mock huff.

"I was concerned."

She smiled up at him, forgiving him instantly, and let her mind wander. Why was she nervous? Because he'd hate the name? Because Chakotay would think she was crazy for liking it? Because it wasn't part of his traditions and she wasn't taking those into account at all?

"Einin, it means little bird."

Looking at her in surprise, Chakotay grinned. "You have been thinking. Little bird, in honour of your father? Kathryn, that's beautiful." He let his mind wander, seeing a girl of about three with long dark hair. He imagined calling to her and her answering to that name.

"I love it. It almost makes me hope for a girl." Bending down, he brushed his lips over hers. "Almost, but not quite."

"Both of those are okay?"

She still felt strange, even fluttery, and she couldn't even blame the baby. Smiling up at him, she let her concerns go.

"Having names chosen makes it seem so real."

"I like them both, and I can picture our child having either of those names. Baby E is going to be here before we know it."

He smoothed the hair back from her forehead and massaged her scalp lightly. "Kathryn...how do you feel about the delivery? Are you afraid at all? Have you thought about how you'd like it to go?"

She'd shut her eyes while he played with her hair. There was something so lulling about it that she might have fallen asleep if he hadn't brought up the delivery.

Which she knew next to nothing about. Her mother had discussed it briefly, and Kathryn was aware that when Phoebe was born, a very nice midwife came to the house with her assistant, and that she'd played downstairs with her aunt until she fell asleep and when she woke up, Phoebe was there.

"Can we find a wormhole from Indiana so I can have my mother?"

Her plaintive tone pierced his heart. "If there were any possible way, you'd have it." He hated that there was something she needed that he couldn't give her.

"I've been thinking." Chakotay made his tone conversational. "I want to know, not right now, but in general, what you think would make you comfortable when the time comes to have the baby." Her eyes were closed and he'd bet anything she was wishing she could tune him out. Smiling to himself, he stroked her forehead with the pads of his fingers.

"You don't have to plan anything," he promised. "It's just about what you want. You tell me what you think, and I"ll figure out how to make it happen." He didn't want there to be any pressure, but Kathryn would ignore it forever if he let her and he wanted her to have as much control of the process as she could have. It would make it easier on her in the long run, particularly if the worst happened and he couldn't be there, even for part of the time.

He knew she hadn't studied. Chakotay was being sweet about it, and that made it impossible to be frustrated with him, but...he knew she hadn't read any further. He wasn't nagging. He wouldn't and that almost made it worse.

"I don't know what it's going to be like."

That was the quickest answer. She'd been meaning to run the sickbay simulation the Doctor had suggested, just to see what labour looked like. She hadn't. Not that she hadn't had time. In fact, ever since he'd mentioned it she'd avoided the holodeck.

Kathryn let her eyes close again, just in case she gave away her unease unintentionally.

"I took nineteen hours. Phoebe took six, but apparently Phoebe was worse because she came so fast."

She couldn't imagine having him for nineteen hours, let alone trying to have a baby.

Kathryn didn't acknowledge fear. If she didn't allow it, it had no power over her. He understood her thinking, but in this case he wasn't sure avoidance was the wisest course.

"That's all right. There's lots of time." Providing the baby didn't decide to make an early appearance, but now didn't seem to be the time to bring up that possibility.

"From what I've read," he hoped that didn't sound like he was rubbing it in, "first babies often take a long time. I was thinking you might want to spend as much of that time outside of sickbay as you can. In the tub, for instance."

Opening her eyes to see if he was joking, Kathryn smiled up at him with immense gratitude when he was serious.

"You have been reading."

Reaching up and resting her hand on his chest, she chewed on the inside of her lip. A long time was nerve-racking to consider, even now when the delivery was still safely weeks away.

"You'll have to convince the Doctor of the medical logic behind that."

He covered the hand on his chest. Her fingers were cold.

"Anything you want, Kathryn. I mean it. There are dozens of valid ways to give birth to a baby."

He squeezed her hand. "I know the Doctor's difficult and he doesn't like what he can't control, but his desires are not my concern."

Chakotay looked into the wide blue eyes. "Yours are. That's the only thing that matters to me and I'll do all the fighting that needs to be done to see that it goes the way we want." He liked the Doctor fine, but he had no problem putting the EMH in his place. He couldn't be allowed to increase Kathryn's anxiety or stress.

"You don't even have to be in sickbay, if you don't want."

Staring up at him, Kathryn was dumbstruck. She hadn't even thought about that.

"My mother once told me that my father looked at her like she had become Andorian when she decided she wanted to have me at the house instead of the medical centre. He was only a commander then, but she told him he could have a shuttle there in two minutes if they needed one and that was the end of that."

The story had been funny when Gretchen had told it over the dishes. Justin had been in the other room and Kathryn had finally told her mother they were thinking about children. Now she was half a galaxy away, and Chakotay was most definitely not Justin.

"I hate sickbay."

Bending to where his lips were a millimetre from hers, Chakotay breathed his response into her mouth. "I know." Kissing her lightly he straightened back up and smiled.

He had her. She was hooked, and that was all he'd wanted.

Kathryn would spend some time thinking about it. She might never tell him, but her analytical mind wouldn't be able to resist at least considering the various possibilities. He had a chink in the armour and it wouldn't take much over the next few weeks for him to figure out what she needed.

Satisfied, Chakotay settled back against the couch with a sigh and resumed running his fingers through her hair.

"You'd be okay with that?"

Of course he would be, he'd brought it up. The words were out of her mouth before she'd stopped herself. Turning her head so she could get a better look at him, Kathryn dropped some of her guard. Chakotay was so relaxed about the whole thing. She would have been jealous if she wasn't so relieved.

"I want Tom. I know the Doctor will be with us, but I want Tom too."

Surprised, he looked down at her and smiled. "I think that's a great idea." Paris. It was brilliant, Chakotay couldn't believe he hadn't considered it himself. She liked him, trusted him, felt safe with him, and he'd been her 'doctor' from the very beginning. Hell, he'd been the one to tell Kathryn she was pregnant. Of course he should be there.

"Do you want to talk to him or would you like me to?"

"Would you?"

Kathryn couldn't help returning his smile, even though she felt like she'd dodged a phaser blast. He and Tom were friends now, and they'd been getting along so well since she'd become pregnant.

"I don't want it to sound like an order, and he needs a chance to be able to say no. I don't think he could say no if I asked."

Maybe labour was one step too far for Tom. Vomiting was bad enough. The idea that Tom would back out left a cold knot just below her rib cage.

"I'll make the time. I'll tell the Doctor as well." He'd also make sure the Doctor didn't share his displeasure about the arrangement with Kathryn.

Stroking his fingers along the soft skin of her throat, Chakotay shook his head. "You never fail to surprise me. I was expecting you to ask for blue daisies, or a certain piece of music to start and instead you have your delivery team organised."

He was teasing but she did tend to jump right to the heart when she made the decision to move.

Sitting half the way up, Kathryn looked at him in confusion for a moment, then relaxed. How he could joke was beyond her at the moment.

"I want the Doctor available in case something happens to the ship."

Which was entirely true. When Naomi Wildman had been born, the Doctor had to split his time between Samantha, the baby and a whole sickbay full of wounded. If something happened while she was in labour, the Doctor would leave her.

She also felt better with the idea of Tom and his goofy sense of humour. He was more patient, and she might need that if labour turned into a marathon.

"I want you, and Tom and I can't think much past that."

"That's a great start." Chakotay took advantage of her position to rub Kathryn's back.

"There's something else to think about, considering how well this conversation's going. There's pain medication available for labour. I don't know much, but it's something we should probably look into before you make a decision about it."

It was too much and he knew it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. "And when I say 'we', I mean me. I'll find out about it and we can talk when I have the facts." Chakotay kissed her temple. "Sorry, disregard that last bit."

He really had been doing his research. Kathryn sat all the way up, which temporarily put her back to him until she turned.

"I'm not taking anything."

Shifting so she faced him, she reached for his hands and held them tight. She didn't have a good way to explain. Watching her fight biology for hours would tear his heart apart but she had to do it.

"I know you love me, and that you don't want to see me suffer. I know it'll be worse for you. I don't want you to worry more about me than you will."

Kathryn owed him a better explanation; she didn't have the words yet.

"I don't want to be drugged."

Chakotay's heart dropped a little.

He wasn't entirely surprised but he'd hoped she might be open to at least discussing it. Her hands gripped his and he could feel the conviction in her touch and in her words. This wasn't a fight he'd win, even if he were stupid enough to start it.

Nodding, he drew her hands to his chest. "Okay." He'd told her she could have whatever she wanted, and he meant it. Too bad he hadn't thought to add 'but I get to decide what level of pain you'll have'.

There was one possible hope. "You do know it's not sedation, it's pain relief?"

Shaking her head slowly, she had to look away from his face to think. Chakotay was trying to be helpful, and he had her best interests at heart. Kathryn wasn't sure she could explain it to him in a way he'd understand, but he would respect her. He always did.

"I don't want to be relieved of anything."

Kathryn's tone was too sharp. She squeezed his hands in apology and found a tiny smile.

"I've never considered myself a traditionalist. That was my parents' decision. They liked to do things the old fashioned way and I've always hated it. This is different, Chakotay. Ask the Doctor. He'll tell you all analgesics dull nerves and affect the body's chemistry. Strong compounds can affect the baby's respiratory system and the weaker ones, merorapan, bicaradine and hydrocortilene would alter the prostagladin uptake in my brain. Prostaglandins aren't just responsibile for pain, they're responsible for constriction and dilation of smooth muscle cells, which includes my uterus. They might not change it a great deal, but I don't want to approach it that way. I'm not ill. I'm not having a medical procedure. We're having a baby. Anything strong enough to dull the pain of labour might pass through to the baby or affect my ability to think. I know the Doctor could use a spinal block or a neocortical inhibitor...but I don't want to be numb. I'd be apprehensive of captaining Voyager on strong medication, or even flying a shuttle. I don't know why this would be different."

She was upset, more upset than Chakotay had anticipated and it caught him off guard.

Maybe he shouldn't have been surprised. Kathryn knew the science, and she was fiercely protective of the baby. The intensity made sense after he'd thought about it for a moment.

"All right." He nodded. "I understand. I won't fight you, Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was softer, coaxing her back to him. "If you don't want to be medicated then you won't be." She wasn't looking at him and he reached out to touch her cheek.

"I'm sorry."

Kathryn turned her head towards his hand and shyly met his eyes. Preventing pain and suffering was noble, and he was offering out of love. She just couldn't be anything less than herself, not if she might have to make a decision that affected all of them or if it would do anything to the baby. She'd always trusted science, and this time, medical science said she could trust her body.

"You're going to be able to write a book for Starfleet spouses on what it's like to be married to a control freak captain."

Her joke was small, but she leaned close enough to kiss his cheek.

"I can handle pain, Chakotay. I'm not afraid of that." She was deeply concerned of what it would be like for him, but she knew she could take it. "I'm not at all pleasant when I can't think."

"Well that's true." His reply was deadpan and he grinned so she'd know he was teasing.

"I know you can handle the pain. I think you're right, that part will be harder in some ways on me. I'll prepare myself though, I don't want you to worry about it. I've been meditating on it already."

Chakotay rested his hand on her thigh. "I don't think you're a control freak. This is why I wanted to start talking about it. There are going to be parts of the labour that feel out of control, but if you can have things the way you want them, I think it might help."

It was his turn to be shy. "You''ll be doing an incredible amount of work to give us our baby." Watching the things her body had been through, and would continue to go through, was deeply moving to him. "I want you to have as much control as you can have. If that means no drugs, I'll support that, I promise."

"You're not going to tell me that they reach for the hyposprays whenever they have a baby in your village?"

Kathryn toyed with the back of the hand on her thigh, and made sure to return his smile. The fact that Chakotay would support her regardless of what he thought meant the universe to her.

"I'm glad you can meditate." Possibily even envious, she was awful at it. "Would it help if I agreed to talk to Tuvok about Vulcan mental disciplines? I know I'm not known for organising my thoughts, but I'd be more comfortable with that than a hypo."

"If you like." Chakotay looked at her doubtfully. She tried, she really did, but meditation wasn't a strong area for Kathryn.

"I want you to have what you need. That's all I'm after." He turned his hand over to squeeze hers.

"We'll be all right. We'll figure it out."

From his eyes, she could gather that he didn't believe she could manage to concentrate long enough. Maybe she couldn't.

"I'll have you."

Leaning over to kiss his forehead, Kathryn nuzzled his cheek.

"That's what I want."


	13. Chapter 13

The starlines outside her window carried Voyager far away from the little water planet Tom had defied Starfleet, Federation law, and her to save. Kathryn wanted to say it was the fact that he'd throw away so much of what he'd done right in the Delta Quadrant that hurt, but that wouldn't have been fair.

She was angry at him because he had betrayed her. Not Starfleet, not the Prime Directive, but her, personally. It ached like a gaping would in her chest. The trust she'd placed in him, all the moments where she let him know she was afraid and the days where she'd relied on him to make being pregnant tolerable for one more day: all of that, their new relationship, was tainted somehow.

Ensign Paris had betrayed his captain's faith, and she had to put him in the brig. Kathryn didn't know what to do about Tom. She couldn't let him out for her prenatal appointments because he made her laugh, and she couldn't go down to the brig to ask him why Seven's incredibly earnest questions about the baby made her cry.

Tom had to earn his captain's trust back. He had to serve his penance, but Kathryn couldn't help feeling that she'd sentenced herself with him. Curling up as best she could on the sofa, she put her head on her hand and left the lights off. Her head throbbed, as if the tears she hadn't shed hung there behind a forcefield, pushing to be released. She didn't even know how long she'd been there, or would be until Chakotay coaxed her to bed.

Coming into their quarters after one of the longest days he could remember, which was saying a lot lately, Chakotay began to call for lights before he noticed Kathryn on the sofa.

She didn't look up which meant she hadn't even heard him enter the room. Standing quietly for a moment, he watched her. Her entire being radiated pain; physical or emotional he couldn't tell. Probably both.

Not that he blamed her. Paris' stunt had left a lot of people reeling.

He wondered how long Kathryn had been there, whether it would be better to go quietly through to the bedroom, shower and change before going to her, giving her some time to herself. But she looked so small, so hurt and so alone that he followed his heart instead. She'd forgive him if it was too soon.

Moving over to the sofa, Chakotay knelt down in front of her. "Hey there." His voice was soft. "Bad day."

She was fine until he walked in. Maybe not fine, but she was at least still. Kathryn had wrapped everything up inside; stuffed down as far as she could.

Sliding off the sofa in her current condition was far from graceful, but Kathryn didn't care. Nearly knocking him over, she started to cry before she even had the chance to put her arms around his neck.

Holding her against him, Chakotay shifted so he was sitting on the floor, back against the sofa. It wasn't as easy as it had once been to pull her onto his lap, but he managed, awkwardly, so that she was sitting sideways and his arms were around her.

Kathryn cried like her heart was broken and the sound made his chest tight. The baby was active, bouncing hard against the boundary of her abdomen and he placed a hand on the belly in an attempt to soothe them both.

"It's all right, Yooneh. I'm here." The words were for the baby but the message was for Kathryn. Chakotay slid his free hand into her hair and brought her head down onto his shoulder.

It took longer than she liked just to calm her breathing. Gasping sobs seemed to upset the baby, but the more she thought of him, the harder it was to stop crying. She was past being irrationally angry, past hating herself for what she'd had to do, and fully immersed in grief.

It hurt, radiating through her chest and pounding in her head. Slowly, as she ran low of tears, the pain faded into a warm, swollen numbness.

"I don't know how to--"

Kathryn cut herself off and he let her rest for a moment once the storm of anguish had passed. Chakotay rubbed her back slowly and kissed her temple, wet with sweat and tears.

His throat ached, watching her, but at the same time he was relieved she'd let it all come pouring out. She trusted him more and more with her feelings, even when they were volatile and out of control. It was a gift, and he never lost sight of that fact.

"You don't know how to what?"

"Tom." She sniffed to clear her throat. Getting his name out didn't help, obviously it was Tom.

"How do I balance him? Ensign Paris who disobeyed a direct order and Tom, who we just asked to deliver our baby?"

Smoothing the damp hair back from her cheeks, Chakotay hesitated. Kathryn had such high expectations for the people around her. It was one of the things he loved most about her. She had strong ideals and she believed with everything in her that the people she loved were capable of attaining them. For the most part it worked well. Knowing the captain believed in them so fiercely had allowed more than one wayward crewmember to achieve impressive goals.

When they made poor choices or fell short of what she knew they were capable of, Kathryn took it hard. It was part of her 'all in' attitude toward pretty much everything.

Chakotay wasn't sure she was ready to hear anything he might say, she was clearly still hurting, but she needed an answer of some kind. "They're the same person. That's why it hurts so much."

Sitting up sent a creaking wave of pain up her spine and Kathryn winced. Starring at him in confusion, she settled her hands on her knees in front of her.

"I don't see how."

She felt petulant, even childish arguing with him but she didn't understand. The idea that Tom could violate her orders, and yet she still trusted him with their baby?

"I'm not trying to be difficult, Chakotay."

"I know that." It was hard for her to see. For Kathryn, the line between right and wrong was easy, obvious even.

"It wasn't Ensign Paris that disobeyed your order. It was Tom. The same Tom that you've become friends with, and who we asked to deliver the baby."

Fresh tears sprung into her eyes, hot and demanding. Kathryn hadn't thought she had any left and she hated her voice for catching.

"How do I live with that? How can I trust him with our baby when I can't trust him to follow orders?"

As conflicted as she was, Kathryn did trust him, and she still wanted Tom to be there when she went into labour. If the baby was at all early, Tom would still be in the brig and miss it entirely.

"I think you can trust him exactly because of the relationship you've built with him over the past few months. Kathryn..." Chakotay hesitated, not sure he could explain in a way she'd understand. For Kathryn, duty and self were the same thing.

"Tom's loyalties aren't to Starfleet. That's why he could break the Prime Directive. It's not his rule. He follows Starfleet protocols as best he can, because that's the way the ship's run. And because he's loyal to you, and you're loyal to Starfleet."

He rubbed his hand lightly along her thigh. "The only thing he puts ahead of his loyalty to you is his own conscience. He made the choice he did because he wouldn't have been able to look in the mirror if he hadn't." Actually, if it hadn't hurt Kathryn so badly it wouldn't have been such a bad thing. Paris had acted out of personal integrity instead of his traditional pattern of juvenile narcissism.

But it had hurt Kathryn, terribly. Besides which, Tom had made the commitment to uphold Starfleet principles when he'd accepted his commission, which was why he was currently sitting in the brig.

"It wasn't personal. He didn't disobey you, he disobeyed Starfleet. In his mind, there's a difference."

Kathryn caught his implication. Tom might see a difference between personal loyalties and Starfleet principles. He was able to make the distinction. It had been a very long time since she had. She'd stranded them all here out of dedication to Starfleet, but also to protect the Ocampa.

"How can I be proud of him and furious with him at the same time?"

The baby still shared her distress, twisting uncomfortably beneath the flesh of her abdomen. She curled an arm around it and shook her head, letting her question go unanswered.

"It was so much easier when it was only myself I had to protect. This, everything, is so much more frightening now."

"I know." He kissed her temple and lingered there. Tom had been sentenced to solitary confinement, which meant no unnecessary communication or conversation of any kind. Chakotay understood the need for it- it wasn't a vacation- but it also meant that Kathryn was thirty days without her midwife. The Doctor would provide excellent physical care, but it was Tom that Kathryn went to when she was concerned or anxious about something.

There was also the bigger picture. Nothing like being reminded that the world was a cold, hard place where people frequently disappointed you, mere weeks before you were scheduled to bring a small and vulnerable new life into it.

Chakotay shifted a little underneath her, trying to get comfortable on the hard floor. "We'll get through it." She knew, but he felt better saying it.

Extracting herself reluctantly from his arms, Kathryn used his shoulder and the sofa to drag herself to her feet. Cheekily offering him a hand up, she crept into his arms again when they were both standing and hugged him close.

"I suppose you can demote your helmsman, but you don't lose your friend, do you?"

"That's the idea." Chakotay smiled against her hair. "Tom can separate the two. It's harder for you, I know, but it'll come."

It was difficult to hold her this way but he liked it anyway. "There's a lot of unease out there. I made the rounds before I came back here. He's going to have a lot to deal with when he gets out." He had no doubt the younger man would handle it, but Voyager was going to be off balance for a while.

Pulling back a little to look at Kathryn, he studied her face. The tension was gone, leaving a lingering sadness in her eyes. Kissing her forehead, he rested his lips there. "You're exhausted."

"Did you talk to B'Elanna?"

She hadn't even thought about how Tom's fledgling relationship with the engineer would survive a month of forced separation. Exhausted or not, they were still her crew, and however dangerous it was for her heart, both of them were her friends as well.

Patting his arms one more time before she escaped and headed for the replicator, Kathryn surprised herself when she smiled.

"I'd go crazy without you for a month. I hope she won't be too lonely."

"We'll keep an eye on her." Smiling at Kathryn's words Chakotay moved toward the bedroom, undoing his uniform jacket.

"She was better than I thought she'd be." His voice was muffled as he pulled the shirts over his head. "I think she understands that he did what he felt he had to do. It's Maquis thinking, and she relates to it."

Asking the replicator for a brownie sundae with coffee ice cream, something Naomi Wildman had explained was the perfect thing to eat on an awful day, Kathryn retreated with it back to the sofa.

Digging her spoon into the hot fudge sauce, she took an indulgent bite, then sighed. Maquis thinking had saved them occasionally.

"We should make an effort to spend more time with her." She still worried about how B'Elanna was dealing with her grief and she was so fond of the young woman.

She was well into her ice cream before Chakotay emerged from their bedroom. Kathryn licked her lips and held up the handle of her spoon towards him.

"It's a Naomi terrible day special. With coffee ice cream substituted in for vanilla."

"A wise child." Chakotay helped himself to a bite, settling in beside her. "Is that for the baby or for you?" It wasn't a question that required an answer.

Sliding a hand down Kathryn's thigh, he tugged gently at her calf. "Come on. Put them up." Her feet were swollen more often now and her legs tended to ache. Actually Tom had tipped him off to the fact that they were likely hurting her. Kathryn felt like she was complaining if she dwelled too often on the aches and pains that were part of every day now.

He helped her shift without spilling the ice cream so that her feet were in his lap. Peeling her socks off, he began massaging gently. "I spoke with Harry as well. He's somewhat bewildered with the whole thing. Neelix is worried but optimistic." Chakotay chuckled. "I'll keep an eye on him. I think Tuvok's mostly concerned about you." The Doctor had been his usual patronising self, but Kathryn didn't need to think about that right now.

She hissed a little as his fingers found a tender spot in her left ankle. It really was unfair that almost everything hurt. Her back ached in a slow, torturous sort of way. Her feet stung. Her ankles swelled when they felt like being difficult, which was most of the time. Her knees loathed the way her gait had changed and even her wrists were puffy.

"I wrote a whole letter to my mother about my ankles."

Kathryn admitted it shyly, running her spoon along the edge of the bowl as she ate.

"I don't think she'll ever read it. I'm trying to remind myself to delete it before we hit Federation space, but I like talking to her, even if she can't hear me. I like to imagine her teasing me about all my complaints. I can picture the way she'd tell me I was a thousand times worse than this baby, and that it serves me right, being here, hating my ankles."

Chakotay paused in his activity to look at her.

"You wrote to your mom about your ankles?"

The sweetness of that stopped him in his tracks. Swallowing a little, he leaned over and kissed her before resuming his work.

"Don't delete it."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow and looked at him in surprise.

"You have my chocolate on your cheek."

Thinking about it as she dug her spoon into the brownie, she tried not to tense when his fingers went back to work.

"Do you think she really wants that? A long, whiny letter about how I spend half an hour trying to figure out if I could just change the ankles of my boots when I replicated a new pair?"

Having read the letter Gretchen sent during the brief period of time they'd had contact with the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay had no doubt.

He shook his head and grinned. "Don't delete it. Trust me on this one. Your mom misses you, she misses the everyday details, and she's going to be thrilled when she finds out she has a grandchild. The first thing she's going to want to know is what your pregnancy was like."

The poor foot was starting to look human again. Chakotay ran his hands firmly from the ankle up her calf, in an attempt to redistribute the remaining fluid.

"So my terribly self-indulgent letter about how much I vomited in the beginning, and the one where I wished you were pregnant instead of me, the one where the baby didn't move, where she moved too much, my clumsiness and my constant need to touch everyone for anything...you think she'll like all of those?"

As much as she joked, Chakotay was right. Her mother would probably read all of them and laugh as she soothed Kathryn's concerns. Pregnancy was a bizarre time, and she'd made it.

"Or are you trying to get me to keep them because you're so often the hero?"

"I don't like to be smug, but I do come off incredibly well in all these stories. She'd be hard pressed to find a more dashing son-in-law." Chakotay raised his eyebrows and tried for a self-satisfied smirk. He planted a quick kiss on her instep and went to work on the second foot.

"How's the baby, is she settling?" Kathryn's eyes were puffy and sore looking, with dark smudges underneath. He wanted her to sleep tonight.

"She likes her sugar."

Hopefully getting the baby high on glucose in utero wasn't bad parenting. It did settle the baby down most of the time. Kathryn had never had a sweet tooth, but now, in the last part of her pregnancy, anything with chocolate or a dangerous sugar content sounded incredibly good.

Rubbing the foot he'd just finished with along his arm, she nodded again to reassure him. "I'm fine."

"That may be genetic," Chakotay acknowledged guiltily. He worked quietly for a few more minutes. Voyager's hum was the only sound in the room and a sense of peace came over him.

They'd made it this far, they'd be okay.

Sweeping his hands up her calf a final time, he set her foot down. "Come on, let's go to bed."


	14. Chapter 14

Four minutes, fifty-eight seconds." Seven reported to Tuvok, who nodded in agreement.

Tuvok crouched down in front of Kathryn, something that made the captain look down at him from her chair. Seven was curious why that would be appropriate, but she trusted Tuvok's judgement. Since he'd arrived in astrometrics to assist them both with the recalibration of the lateral sensors, he'd shared her observation that the captain's discomfort appeared to be cyclic.

"Captain." His voice was soft, even gentle. The captain would listen to his logic, while she'd argued with Seven's. "Seven of Nine's ability to keep time is very accurate, more so even than my own, which is still far more accurate than human terms."

"Rhythmic discomfort, especially that which increases in frequency as time passes, is often an early sign of labour."

Kathryn shook her head at Tuvok, smiling faintly. "I'm not in labour, Tuvok. My back hurts. My back always hurts."

"It does not always increase in intensity. Nor is it something that can be seen in your facial musculature." Tuvok touched her hand, something surprisingly intimate for a Vulcan. "I can confirm our diagnosis with a tricorder. Seven- please alert Commander Chakotay."

Seven reached for her commbadge and the captain waved her hand frantically.

"Don't, don't summon him. I'm fine. Tuvok can walk me back to my quarters."

"I am entirely willing to assist you, Captain, however, I insist that Commander Chakotay be notified."

Seven had to agree with Tuvok, she almost always did. "I can find him in person. That should be less, startling, for him."

"Thank you." The captain sighed heavily and offered both of her hands to Tuvok. "If you're wrong--"

"I must inform you that I am very seldom so."  
====

Seven left both of them in astrometrics, though she anticipated their departure shortly. Commander Chakotay would be in his office because Lieutenant Ayala had the watch. This was preferable. Chakotay might leave the bridge quickly and startle the crew unnecessarily. That would make the captain unhappy, and she did not wish that.

Tapping the door chime, Seven realised her internal count had passed the four minute, forty second mark. Chances were good that the captain had experienced another moment of discomfort and was now arguing with Tuvok. Her futile resistance to being in labour was confusing. The child was very much wanted and labour meant he or she would soon be with them. Perhaps the commander could clarify.

Chakotay groaned in frustration when the chime sounded.

He loved his job, he really did, but some days it seemed nobody on the ship could make a move without his holding their hand.

He was unusually impatient because he was tired. Kathryn had slept badly for the last little while, and though she was careful not to disturb him he inevitably woke up when she left their bed. Having worked out the necessity for at least one of them to be rested, most nights he went back to sleep but slept poorly until she returned.

It was only when the chime sounded again that Chakotay realised he'd left whoever it was standing outside his door. Shaking his head in amusement, he called for their entry. He didn't usually drink coffee this late in the day, but maybe it was time to consider it.

* * *

"Computer, halt turbolift."

Kathryn stared up at Tuvok. He held her arm securely in his and he seemed to be waiting for something to happen. It was no surprise that he was stubborn. Vulcans had invented stubborn and then spread it through the galaxy while remaining the grandmasters to which all other races looked for guidance.

"Nothing's going to happen Tuvok, I'm fine."

"Perhaps I merely wanted to see how quickly the turbolift mechanism stopped between decks three and four." His eyebrow was up, and he was speaking in the hypothetical.

"I'm not in labour."

She couldn't argue with him because he wouldn't believe her. He'd made up his mind ten minutes ago and convinced poor Seven to go along with him. They'd both see they were wrong. Her back hurt, but that was hardly out of the ordinary. The usually dull ache had been replaced by something more lancing, and yes, it was uncomfortable but that was hardly a reason to stop working on the sensor array.

"You are in some discomfort."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "I'm pregnant, Tuvok. I've been in some discomfort for the last thirty-nine weeks. It's not new. Going to my quarters is entirely unnecessary."

"I am concerned."

Which was Vulcan for humour me. He so rarely asked, she had to go along with it.

She took his hand, holding it gently between two of hers. "Walk with me instead? I get restless in my quarters. I feel like I have to clean everything, or fix the replicator."

Tuvok waited a moment longer, as if he knew her back was going to spasm. This time it was bad enough that it crept forward, squeezing her stomach along with the muscles of her back.

He said nothing, but Kathryn could see the countdown in his eyes as she waited for the pain to fade.

"Deck sixteen." Tuvok changed the turbolift.

"Thank you."

His hand stayed in hers. The skin-to-skin contact was rare, and he usually avoided it because it made his mind so open to hers. His presence washed over her, soothing like a warm breeze. He could be as calming as he wanted. Tuvok was still wrong.

* * *

"Am I interrupting you?" Seven stood in front of his desk when the commander finally let her into his office. "I do not wish to detract from your duties."

He appeared tired. He had for some time and humans were much more difficult to speak rationally with when they were tired. Perhaps the impending arrival of their child would be considered good news.

"Please forgive me for disturbing you."

"Actually, Seven," Chakotay smiled to take any sting out of his words, "if this is something that could wait..."

He gestured to his desk and various other spaces in the small room that were covered with PADDs. "As you can see I'm behind today and I was hoping to end my shift a little early." If he could make it back to their quarters before Kathryn, he would have dinner prepared and a bath running by the time she got home.

Seven nodded and remained standing. She thought this was a moment where she should not take him literally. "This could wait for several hours, possibly more. I believe you would prefer that you and I discuss it now."

Glancing at the disorder of his office, she anticipated he could finish before the captain's labour progressed much further. It was her first delivery and Tuvok predicted it could last all night.

"Will you have assistance with your work when your child is born?" Perhaps contacting that person now would help ease his workload.

"Why, are you offering?" Chakotay fought off the automatic gritting of his jaw and willed himself to relax. Wryness was generally lost on Seven and he didn't want her to think he was angry.

What he was, was tired. So damn tired. Although not as tired as Kathryn, he reminded himself.

"All right, Seven. Have a seat and tell me what's on your mind. What--" A thought occurred to him and he looked at her suspiciously. Surely not.

"Why are you asking me-- Is the captain--"

* * *

"I believe that is a sensible precaution to prevent the overload of the sensor array. We should be able to reprogram a gel pack to function as a shunt, allowing for the additional imput to be transferred directly to the astrometrics computers."

Tuvok kept their pace slow, without a trace of impatience.

Kathryn knew he was still tracking the spasms of her back, that he insisted were not the random discomfort of late pregnancy they obviously were. The baby had settled lower into her hips, making sitting for more than a few minutes terribly uncomfortable.

The point she was willing to concede to Tuvok was that walking helped. Keeping her feet moving made the great heaviness in her hips easier to manage.

"Thank you."

"It is a logical plan. Seven and I will implement it while you recover."

"We will implement it together, tomorrow. I am not in labour."

Tuvok refused to engage her in what would have been a long argument. Instead, he remained beside her, unwavering from her side.

"In fact, I'll even make sure that ends up on the upgrades list before I--"

The next spasm of her back shot through her body, wrapping all around as if it were a ring around her belly. She had the breath to speak, but her surprise at the intensity of what she'd just felt stilled her.

Tuvok paused their progress, putting a comforting hand on her lower back. The other went to her belly, as if he could commune with the pain.

"Breathing slowly and evenly will help you through your pain, whether it is labour or not."

"It's not."

* * *

Chakotay took a deep breath in an attempt to still the pounding of his heart. Something was going on.

"Seven," he made his voice patient, rational, anything he could think of that would make her respond. "Is the captain all right?"

"The captain is fine. There is no need to be concerned." No one believed her when she said it, but she tried anyway.

Perhaps the facts of the situation would calm his sudden increase in cardiac rate.

"The captain is with Lieutenant Tuvok. She has been experiencing rhythmic pains in her lower back Tuvok believes to be the onset of labour. As he is more knowledgeable in the act of childbirth, I am inclined to believe him. From what I have been told, a decreasing interval between painful muscular contractions is consistent with Tuvok's hypothesis."

The commander appeared deeply concerned. The captain had not wanted that.

"The captain did not wish for you to 'drop everything and come running to her'. She believes Tuvok is in error."

Suppressing a snort, Chakotay ran quickly through the relevant facts. Kathryn was okay, and the tension in his shoulders let go. She was probably in labour, and a thrill of nervous delight leapt up in his chest. She was heading back to their quarters, which was exactly where she needed to be.

"So let me get this straight. She's experiencing regular pains that are coming progressively closer together and she's insisting it's not labour." He gathered the more urgent PADDs from his desk. If there was no time for work, which everyone had assured him there would be, he could assign the important things to someone else.

"Let's go." Kathryn was having the baby. He said a quick prayer of supplication and gratitude. Stopping just before the door opened, he placed a hand on the young woman's arm. "Thank you, Seven. You presented that information in a very sensitive manner."

* * *

"Why do I ever argue with you?"

Kathryn panted; holding Tuvok's hands helped. Sweat was starting to break on the back of her neck and her palms were damp against his dry ones. He'd predicted the beginning of what she was now willing to admit was a contraction. When the pain hit her, she grabbed his offered hands and held on tight.

"You may derive enjoyment from it."

Kathryn let her breathing slowly return to normal. What had been an uncomfortable tightening of her back muscles was now bands of metallic pain that ran hot around her belly and assaulted her at will. Less than four minutes were left in the intervals between, and Tuvok was still keeping track.

"You have no reason to be apprehensive of childbirth. You are healthy, and you have support of many who care deeply for you."

She stroked his arm, leaning on him and the wall. "Thank you."

"I will always argue with you when you require opposition."

"Right now, it's the way you support me when I don't that I'm grateful for."

* * *

Seven followed the commander into the turbolift, pleased that he appeared more excited than nervous. The captain had not wanted him to worry and she liked to think that the captain would be happy Chakotay was not engaged in concern.

"When will you contact Ensign Paris?" The Doctor was still working through a fault in his program and was not currently capable of delivering a baby.

"We'll see how far things have progressed." Although in all likelihood if Kathryn had agreed to return to quarters it was probably time. Tuvok might have already called him.

The turbolift was agonisingly slow. He lifted his hand to contact B'Elanna about why that was before he snapped himself out of it.

He'd sworn to himself he wasn't going to be the type of expectant father who let emotion run roughshod over reason. His wife having a baby was no reason to make everyone else's life miserable.

His wife. Was having a baby.

Damn the turbolift was slow.

Resisting the urge to pace, Chakotay closed his eyes and concentrated on centring himself. I'm coming, Kathryn. He wondered if she was scared.

* * *

Tuvok kept her on a slow, steady circuit of the corridors on deck sixteen. The minutes in between, still shrinking in chunks of seconds, were reasonably pleasant. Tuvok let her talk about work, and when that lost interest, they talked about his wife.

"T'Pel is accomplished in her study of mental discipline and meditation technique. She employed both during the birth of our son."

Kathryn shuffled her feet, tugging Tuvok's sleeve to slow him. He'd been right, there was a rhythm, an ebb and flow like the tides in San Francisco.

"Keep talking." She started to clench her jaw, preparing herself before the wave came. "Tell me."

"Sek's cranium was large, and he was positioned poorly. We walked many hours in the sacred caves of Amonet..."

His voice was soft, deep and without reserve as he spoke of his wife. She'd heard stories before, but never with the kind of detail he favoured her with tonight. Tuvok paused when she stopped walking.

"Please, Tuvok--"

It hurt worse than the last. Pain came with the pressure that forced itself down, crushing the hard, round shape of the baby down into her hips. There was an edge to her breathing and Tuvok and the wall were her lifelines. Was Chakotay still working? Had Seven kept him from worrying? She knew he was an instant away if she called, and she took comfort in that.

"My wife and I adopted many different positions, trusting the priestesses with her body. We walked together until we found a part of the cave where the wall allowed her to crouch partially erect and lean against it. It was there, in the dark, that our son left her body and began to live on his own."

Hissing through her teeth, the last of the breath she'd been holding left her chest. "Okay."

Tuvok ran his hands down her arms, calming her. "You are ready to move to your quarters?"

Nodding weakly, she clung to him. "Yes."

* * *

Seven waited for Chakotay to be sure his quarters were empty. The captain and Tuvok were somewhere else; she was safe with him. Tuvok would take care of the captain.

"Computer, location of Captain Janeway and Lieutenant Tuvok?"

The computer responded, "Deck three, turbolift one. Starboard corridor, subsection four."

The door slid open. The captain's hair was damp with sweat, as was her forehead and her skin was flushed. She had both of Tuvok's hands clutched tightly in her own and the Vulcan was close to her, steadying her. She smiled when she saw Seven, oddly peaceful.

"Chakotay?"

"Kathryn." He heard the door open and was out of the bedroom and beside her in what felt like three steps.

"I'm right here." Her eyes were big but bright and her face was relaxed. He brushed the sweat from her brow but didn't take her hands, waiting to see what was working for her.

"I guess Tuvok had a point about labour?" Chakotay smiled at the Vulcan.

Kathryn sighed and rolled her eyes lovingly. It was good to see Chakotay. She felt ready for him now; an hour ago she hadn't been. "I've been reminded that I should trust Tuvok's judgement in most things."

"The interval between contractions has begun to approach three minutes. I suggest we contact Ensign Paris and let him examine your progress." Tuvok led her towards the sofa, exchanging her grip on one of his hands for one of Chakotay's. Having more time to prepare the commander for his role in Kathryn's labour would have been helpful, but the commander's instincts were exactly what they should have been.

Seven watched Tuvok set the captain down on the edge of the sofa and caught his eye.

"Vulcan eilbir tea."

Procuring it from the replicator, she began to hand it to Tuvok and he tilted his head towards the captain.

"I am told it tastes like coconut."

Kathryn smiled gently at him, and then Seven as she took her tea from the younger woman's hand. "What does a Vulcan eybur do?"

"It is a small desert plant." Tuvok began to explain.

She listened but closed her eyes. Her body demanded her more immediate attention.

Seven took the cup back, preventing her from spilling it. The captain's breathing slowed and her grip on the commander's hand went white. It must have been painful.

"Good, good." Chakotay spoke the words under his breath, watching Kathryn ride out the contraction. He sat close enough to her to be available, but not so close that she'd feel crowded. He wasn't sure yet what she needed from him, if anything, but they'd figure it out as they went along.

Tuvok seemed to have a handle on the situation and overall Kathryn seemed relaxed and grounded, something which Chakotay knew was directly attributable to the Vulcan. There were fortunate they were to have this support and he was grateful.

When her contraction faded, Tuvok and Seven backed away, summoning Tom and discussing time and intensity. Somehow, the two of them made labour sound like a stellar phenomenon. Seven had given her the strange Vulcan coconut tea back and Kathryn reluctantly let go of Chakotay's hand to drink it.

He had data PADDs on the table. She was strangely proud of him for bringing his work home. It was something she would have done in his place.

Sipping her tea slowly, she forgot about the taste and drank it faster when it occurred to her she was thirsty. When the cup was empty, she pressed it into Chakotay's hands because she couldn't reach the table.

"Help me take off my jacket?" She should say something else, something more romantic, but her brain was only half running and her thoughts were already scattered, even foggy.

Chakotay unzipped her and slipped the sleeves down over her arms. "If you come to the bedroom we can get you into something more comfortable. I know you're Starfleet through and through, but it's going to be tough to have a baby through those uniform trousers."

He brushed the escaped tendrils of hair back from her face. They were alone for the moment; Tuvok and Seven taking care of practicalities. He knew that things were about to get very busy, at least for Kathryn, and this would be the last quiet time they would have together until the baby was actually born.

Taking advantage of the moment of focus between contractions, Chakotay kissed her cheek and stroked a hand up her back. "I'm proud of you, Kathryn." His voice was a low murmur. "Don't worry about anything. I'm right here. We'll take care of you and the baby. Everything's exactly as it should be." He hoped his tone would register, even if his words didn't.

Touching her hand, he raised his voice to a more normal level. "What do you think, can you walk? Or should I send our company into the other room and bring you something else to wear?"

Getting to her feet took substantial concentration. Her legs were firmer beneath her than she expected. Still needing Chakotay's hands, for balance. She clung to him, letting him be her balance.

"I like my uniform." Her voice was breathy, quiet. Being so close to him, feeling like she was losing her breath. It was almost like foreplay, and that thought made her laugh weakly. "It's...easy to clean."

Kathryn turned her head, looking for Seven. Seven would know how long she had. "Seven. Seven, how long?"

"One hundred eighteen seconds, with a twenty-one second margin of error."

"Thank you." Kathryn knew Seven returned to Tuvok but her sight past a few metres was vague and dark.

Dropping her head to Chakotay's chest for a moment, Kathryn swayed her hips. The baby was heavy, a steady downward pressure that flared and consumed her with each contraction.

"I'm not...I won't be able to help you much."

"That's all right." She had risen with more willingness than he'd expected. "We're not in any hurry. We're just going to make our way to the bedroom as best we can."

Chakotay let her rest against him, stroking the back of her damp head. He was tuning into her, being drawn to where she was in the process. Her belly was tight and hard against his body and his mind went to their baby, making its way to the outside world. He stroked a hand gently along the side of it and wished her a safe journey.

Kissing Kathryn's forehead was familiar, in the midst of everything that wasn't. "Let me know when you want to move."

"Now, before the next one starts."

Their bedroom felt like it could have been on the other side of the ship, but her feet were willing to find it. Chakotay's hands were different than Tuvok's, less like iron, and his presence had only an internal effect. There was no sense of the other, and her thoughts were alone.

Did he understand? Could he? As much as the contractions hurt, she needed that pain because it let her slip away. There was somewhere she had to find within herself, and if she'd been dulled and separated from her body, she would never find it.

The bed was firm and she perched on the edge of it. Keeping her hips open eased some of the pressure but nothing could chase it. She toed off her boots clumsily, leaving them on the floor.

"Second drawer from the top." Was that right? It was, her nightgown was there. "The cream coloured one."

"Got it." He moved quickly, taking advantage of the brief lull between contractions, but his motions with Kathryn were slower and more deliberate. Not wanting to jar her in any way, Chakotay tugged gently at her shirts and slid his hand underneath to undo her bra. He pulled the layers of clothing over her head, replacing them with the nightgown.

Unfastening her trousers with practised fingers, he wiggled them down her hips. "Put your arms around my neck and I"ll help you lift up."

Reaching up with unsteady hands, she held his shoulder. She'd been merely intending to hold him for support. Her balance was terrible. Like so many other motions or thoughts stopped in the last few hours, pain changed her mind. Digging her fingers hard into his muscles, she whimpered in shock, eyes closing. Fighting to slow and regulate her breathing, Kathryn struggled as the contraction peaked sooner and rose higher than the last.

She couldn't speak and tell him she was all right. Half-standing, half-leaning on the bed, all she could do was ride it out.

Chakotay winced, partly in empathy and partly in response to the fingers that were digging down to bone in his shoulder. Kathryn was managing well, remembering to breathe.

"That's it." His tone was low and soothing, reminding her spirit that he was there for anything she needed or wanted, but leaving her mind room to work at what it had to do.

While Kathryn had never fully embraced the idea of meditation, she was borrowing its principles as she coped with the pain- not fighting but letting it wash over her and finding her place within it.

He was incredibly proud of her.

She didn't want to hurt him but Kathryn slowly became aware just how hard she was gripping him. Her ability to control her breathing was not quite enough to outlast the contraction. Her breath faded into a hiss and when she inhaled it was a sob. 

"That hurt. This... hurts."

"I know." Chakotay wrapped an arm around her waist and used his other hand to slide the clothing off her legs. Lowering her gently back down to the bed, he knelt in front of her.

He would do anything, anything, to ease the pain for her but that wasn't what she wanted, or needed. Tucking his own feelings into the corner of his mind, he took her hands and waited for her to catch her breath.

"I know it hurts. Keep telling me, as much as you want. That's what I'm here for."

They hadn't agreed on the idea of pain medication but in the end he'd promised to do it her way. It was going to get a lot harder before things were over, and he knew she knew it.

Looking into her eyes, Chakotay wasn't sure she was quite connecting with him, but he hoped she'd hear the conviction in his voice. He wanted her to know he was with her, that he didn't resent the path she'd chosen. "You can do this, Kathryn. I believe it with everything in me." He touched her belly. "At the end of this you'll have our baby in your arms."

"You're sure there's a baby and this isn't some new torture technique? Maybe the Borg..."

Opening her eyes slowly, Kathryn let them slowly track down to him. Patting his cheek, she held her hand there, almost surprised by how dry his skin was.

"Why are you so patient? You could tell me I'm a masochist and bring Tom down here to drug me." She smiled wryly, leaning forward just enough to rest her forehead on his. He never would, and she absolutely loved that about him.

"Were you working, Chakotay?" He must have been.

Taking another breath, she slowly brought her weight back onto her feet. The sudden shift in pressure from her lower back into her hips brought tears to her eyes, but it was better. It was easier to breathe.

"Where's Tom? Do we need him?" Was she supposed to know? Chakotay must, and Tuvok did. Even Seven had read more prenatal literature than she had.

Sliding back, Chakotay moved when she did, rising to his feet to stay available to her physically. Kathryn's chatter made him smile. He'd take it as long as he could have it.

Starting with the most important, he worked his way backwards. "Tom's here; I heard him come in during the last contraction. He'll want to see you but there's no urgency, we'll go out when you're ready." Having the two calmest people on the ship brief their medic could only be a good thing.

"I was working. I brought some back with me, just like you said." It was doubtful he'd look at it but it was possible.

"As to why I'm so patient, I suppose it's because I love you. That does help." Chakotay grinned. Loving her was the understatement of a lifetime but he'd never come up with a big enough word. "The fact that you're producing our baby today also helps. It gives you a certain leverage in our arguments." He touched her chin, mostly because he wanted to touch her, but also to make sure he had her attention. "No drugs, Kathryn. I'll remember."

She ran her hands up and down his arms, taking comfort in his presence. If he was joking, that meant he wasn't too worried. Not yet anyway.

"My leverage is about to run out, isn't it?" Kathryn smirked as she met his gaze. "These will be my last few arguments that I'll win." Laughing weakly, she shifted her feet. "I'll try to make the best of it."

Looking down at the swell of her belly between them, she sighed. Today might be optimistic. She kept remembering her mother telling her that it had been nineteen long hours before Kathryn had arrived in the bathtub. Kathryn didn't know how long it had been, but Tuvok would. How late was it? Evening?

"It might not be today."

She could hear Tom's voice and Tuvok. They'd know. "I want Tom. I want to ask him."

She reached for the hand under her chin and squeezed it tightly. "I love you, much more than I'll ever be able to tell you. It means the universe to me that you're here."

"Remember that when you're cursing the day you met me." Chakotay turned his head to kiss her palm. "I love you too, Kathryn. This is the only place I ever want to be, with you."

Studying her face for a minute, he wondered how soon the next contraction would hit. "Do you want me to get Tom or will we go to him?" He couldn't tell for sure, but she seemed to do better when she was moving.

Smiling back at him, she shook her head. "This is a subspace anomaly's fault, not yours. I might forget that later."  
ZZZZ


	15. Chapter 15

They had enough time to make it back into the other room, at least, she thought they did. Walking helped. She wanted to do that as long as she could.

"I want to go to him." In between contractions she could still think a little. Chakotay held her, supporting her all the way back to Tom, Seven and Tuvok.

"You prefer to stand?" Tuvok asked, extending a hand to her.

Kathryn nodded to him, reminding herself not to grit her teeth. "For some reason it helps. Nice of you to arrive, Mr. Paris."

"Now, now, Captain. You don't officially get to be mean to us until transition." Stepping forward, he grinned and turned the tricorder he'd been holding onto her. "I think we'll just do a quick scan if you don't mind."

Nodding to Chakotay, Tom returned his focus to the captain. "I was on the holodeck when Tuvok contacted me. I didn't think you'd want your child delivered by Captain Proton so I went back to my quarters to change."

Watching the readings appear, Tom whistled, long and low. "Wow, Captain, you and Baby Fireball here have been busy. You're dilated five centimetres, which is excellent progress." He looked at her and smiled. "You've been having pains for a long time, haven't you?"

"Not that long," Kathryn protested. Had it really been more than a few hours? Surely it had just been an hour, maybe two.

"Approximately six hours," Seven corrected her. "You did not admit it for three of them."

Tuvok leaned over Tom's shoulder, checking the tricorder readout. "The baby's head is down but it is not yet fully engaged. Remaining mobile will help. I suggest we keep the captain walking, while she has the energy for it. Commander, may I have a moment?"

Kathryn nodded to Chakotay and took both of Seven's offered hands. "I'm all right. I have Captain Proton and the Princess of Cyber-world."

Chakotay swallowed a snort, wondering what, if anything, Seven would make of that comment. She'd been extremely helpful since coming to get him and he was comfortable leaving Kathryn in her care.

Following Tuvok out of the range of Kathryn's hearing, Chakotay took a deep breath and reminded himself that everything was fine. There was no reason to be concerned and he wasn't. Not really. Kathryn was strong and healthy, more than capable of dealing with the pain of labour. The baby was full term, ready to be born. They had the support and the help they needed.

He couldn't help but wonder how long it would take, although he suspected they had hours ahead of them. Smirking a little and shaking his head at his own impatience, he waited to hear what Tuvok had to say.

Since there was no line of succession in the Borg, nor a formal home planet, Seven assumed that the captain was being facetious. From what she understood of childbirth, she would allow the captain's odd attempts at levity. Perhaps it would help distract her. The captain's skin was flushed from exertion, but she seemed to be relaxed. Seven predicted that would change when the next contraction hit, somewhere in the next thirty seconds.

Seven's grip on her arm was firm enough to be duranium. Tom's hand was softer. She hadn't been harsh with him, had she? Kathryn couldn't remember.

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean to take you from your holodeck time." He knew that, didn't he?

"Captain," Seven interrupted before Tom could answer. "You may wish to brace yourself."

"More exact than a tricorder, isn't she?" Kathryn only had a moment to smile at Seven before she felt the pain Seven had warned her about. She might not have let herself moan in front of Chakotay, not yet. He was being everything she could have wanted.

Tuvok found the commander's obvious excitement promising. He was already excited about the birth, and hopefully that would carry him through. "I wished to remind you that while we are here for the captain, we are also here to support you. Are you well? Are you comfortable with the captain's decision to avoid medication?"

Chakotay was touched by the questions. Not many people asked him directly what he needed. It still amused him that Tuvok had been the one most likely to offer him support at any given moment during Kathryn's pregnancy. Including now.

"Thanks, Tuvok. I am well. I'm not looking forward to watching her in extreme pain, but I know she can handle it. Kathryn's decision about the pain medication is probably not the one I'd have made for her, but I've let that go. This is how she wants it and that's what's most important to me." 

Nodding to the other man, Chakotay continued. "I'm glad you're here. She knows how much you care about her and I think that helps her feel safe. I don't think pain's going to be a problem for Kathryn, but I'm a little concerned that at some point, when it overwhelms her and she begins to feel out of control, that might cause her some trouble."

This was something Chakotay never could have said to anyone but Tuvok, but he was Kathryn's friend and he knew as well as anyone how frightening a loss of control could be for her.

Monitoring the tricorder during her contraction provided all the news Tom had hoped for. "The baby's doing beautifully, Captain. Nice strong heartbeat, exactly what we'd expect."

Tom had run the birth simulation for medical professionals dozens of times in preparation for this day. One thing that was stressed repeatedly in the section on communicating with the patient was the need for short, positive, clear provision of information. Keep it simple.

She was still rebounding well between contractions but there was no telling how much longer that would be the case. Seven was keeping a close eye on the time between pains, the captain herself was able to report on the severity; there was little for anybody to do but let nature take its course.

When the pain seemed to have passed, instead of dropping her hand Tom squeezed it. Trust her to worry about interrupting his playtime. "The universe and its need for salvation aren't going anywhere. I'm...honoured you want me here." The Doctor was offline, so it wasn't like they had much choice, but she had asked for his presence and for him to take the active role even before they'd known that was an issue.

"The captain does not often take the easiest route in her decisions, particularly when it comes to her personal life. I know she draws great support from you, in many aspects of her life. That allows her to be comfortable with the pain she has chosen to embrace."

Tuvok inclined his head. The captain's marriage to Chakotay was a source of great happiness for her, and he was grateful for it. She had found great peace and emotional fulfilment. "If you become uncomfortable at any point, or require any additional support, please do not hesitate to make a request. It is not an easy thing to be aware of the suffering of a spouse you care deeply for and not be able to alleviate it. There were several times when T'Pel was in labour where I...required more discipline than I anticipated."

* * *

Catching her breath when the damn contractions ended was getting harder and harder. This time she needed Seven and Tom's hands even once it was over. Her legs were rubbery, even shaky but the constant pressure in her hips flared to white when she tried to sit.

"You must lower your rate of respiration," Seven ordered when Kathryn looked at her. "The oxygenation of your blood will improve if you allow your lungs time to function properly."

She might have snapped at anyone else, but Seven's concern was so sincere Kathryn nearly had tears in her eyes instead.

"Slower." That was more difficult than it sounded. "Right."

Tom looked like a little boy when he was touched. There was something almost angelic about him. Releasing Seven's hand for a moment, she held her hand against his cheek.

"Thank you for letting the universe wait. Baby wouldn't forgive me if you weren't here."

Tom flushed in spite of himself. "You and Baby are doing great, Captain. You've got a long road ahead but all systems are go."

Patting her hand, he pulled himself back into professional mode. The captain trusted him and he was going to do everything he could to make the experience a positive one for her. "Tuvok's right, you know. It will go faster and you'll probably feel better if you move around a bit. I guess you've figured that out for yourself." He grinned a little shyly. It was still odd to give his commanding officer orders.

* * *

Tuvok's admission touched Chakotay more deeply than anything else so far. "I'd do whatever it took to be able to take the pain for her but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Having to just watch isn't really my strong suit."

It was an odd position to be in. Chakotay had none of the medical expertise that Tom had, none of the practical experience that Tuvok had, and he could do none of the work that Kathryn had to do. The baby was as much his as hers, he loved it as much as its mother did, but there was virtually nothing for him to do but wait. He was not a man who was used to sitting on the sidelines. Lack of action during a crisis made him jittery as hell. 

That was something he was just going to have to deal with. It was reassuring to know that even Tuvok had found it difficult.

* * *

Kathryn nodded to Tom wearily. Of course Tuvok was right. He was nearly always right and he had four children. He understood what was happening to her.

"I need you--" She didn't have to finish. Seven's hands hadn't left hers and Tom's were only a grasp away.

Her quarters weren't large but the idea of circling them seemed as daunting as finding the way home to Earth. Her bare feet had good purchase on the carpet, even though they too were sweating. All of her skin was damp, even starting to become slick. Her nightgown already stuck to her skin, leaving very little to the imagination of anyone present.

Seven's bright, curious eyes seemed to be closed than usual. "I will proceed backwards while you come towards me. My improved spatial acuity and balance will be useful."

Seven turned, placing her body directly in front of her so that Kathryn's slow steps took her towards the soft brown of Seven's uniform. 

"Talk to me." It was more of a plea than an order and Kathryn saw Seven's eyes flick to Tom in panic. "Please."

* * *

Tuvok watched determination drive other thoughts from Chakotay's eyes. He would adapt, even if it was incredibly difficult for him. Four years ago he would not have trusted the commander with the responsibility of being the father to the captain's child. Now he did, implicitly, and Tuvok was pleased with the change.

"Before my last daughter was born, my wife told me that no matter how exhausted or agonising labour became, she was always aware of my presence, because I was with her and because I was within our child. This assisted her response to the trial of labour and she had few, purely logical, doubts that her body would be adequate to the task. Captain- Kathryn is aware of your affection for her as my wife was aware of my presence. You, simply by being part of your growing family, are adequate to the task."

Chakotay nodded. "I appreciate that, Tuvok." It was unsettling to be reassured about things he hadn't quite expressed. He'd always had the feeling Tuvok could see right through him. Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

His greatest fear was failing her, not doing what was required during one of the hardest things she'd ever have to do. Tuvok was telling him that he would be what she needed, simply by virtue of who he was and what he and Kathryn had between them. It made things easier to think of it that way.

For someone who dealt very little in the expression of feelings, Tuvok was incredibly sensitive.

Tom grinned at Seven, who'd already gone above and beyond what he would've expected of her. "Little steps, Captain. Don't look at the whole room. Just look at Seven and make your way toward her. Nice and easy, Seven. That's the way."

He nodded as the two women found a rhythm that seemed to work for them.

* * *

"So, Captain. We have a new Captain Proton program I think you'd love. You should really come and try it sometime. If nothing else we could use your programming expertise." He walked casually alongside her and did another quick scan.

"In fact, I have a dilemma you could help me solve. In the next segment of the story, Chaotica kidnaps Buster and threatens him with a grisly death. I say it should be one of those old style twentieth century table saws, like they used in milling. Those were hugely popular in serialised adventure stories."

Tom snapped the tricorder shut. "Harry wants to be tied to the railroad tracks."

* * *

Tuvok nodded once, accepting Chakotay's thanks. He would do well. 

"When you left the bridge, Lieutenant Ayala had the con. I recommend we remain at warp until less of the senior staff is involved with the captain's delivery. Perhaps even until tomorrow?"

* * *

Grabbing Seven's arms up well past her hands in desperation, Kathryn stopped them both when her contraction worsened. As pain escalated towards a peak, throbbing through her, she leaned heavily on the younger woman. For the first time, she lost track of her breathing and that halted. It hurt too much beneath her chest for her to fill her lungs. Her sob choked in her throat and pain consumed her, radiating up from her belly until her eyes were wet with tears.

Seven was entirely prepared for the physically demanding portion of what she had volunteered to do. She was stronger than most on board; she was Borg. When the captain appeared to be crying, she did not understand. Some instinct that two decades as a Borg had not quite suppressed, suggested she comfort the captain.

"Please breathe slowly. You are strong. Pain is irrelevant." When the captain's head leaned closer, nearly resting her head against Seven's chest.

When she had cried, her mother had stroked her hair. When Naomi cried, Ensign Wildman performed a similar task. Moving the captain's grasping hands to her shoulders, Seven held her awkwardly then slowly began to stroke her hair.

"It is all right. If you breathe, you will feel better."

Coming back to herself as if she'd been displaced, Kathryn murmured her thought on Tom's dilemma into Seven's neck.

She wasn't sure if she'd even been speaking until Seven relayed for her.

"The captain wishes to know why would there be trains in space?"

Tom chuckled and responded as naturally as he could, considering the woman in front of him looked like she'd just been through the wringer. "The tracks wouldn't actually be in space. Some of the best rescue scenes take place on other planets. Between you and me, Harry's a bit of a ham. I think he's just looking for the best possible way to milk his moment in the spotlight."

* * *

Chakotay nodded. He'd seen Kathryn stop, heard her quick intake of breath. She was struggling not to cry out, he suspected, and the knowledge tugged at his heart.

"Warp's fine, Tuvok. Hopefully things will stay quiet for as long as we need." That was another issue entirely. If he got called to the bridge, he was going to strangle whatever rogue, attacking alien was responsible with his bare hands.

"If you'll excuse me..." If it had been anyone but Tuvok he would have patted his shoulder, but he wasn't sure if the touch would be too intrusive. "I want to see how she's doing."

* * *

Her heart slowly stopped pounding in her ears and retreated back in her chest where it belonged. Seven's fingers were cool in her hair and Kathryn almost smiled. Train tracks on a planet made more sense.

"Isn't- aren't--" She coughed, clearing her throat. Her own voice sounded foreign "Wouldn't it be crude? Compared to the rest of the story. Captain Proton, Lucifer's Robot and train tracks?"

"A locomotive is a primitive method of execution. Electrocution, lasers or a plasma shock are more effective." Even Seven was willing to help distract her. When Kathryn swayed instead of resuming pace, Seven stayed close to her, calm as if she did this every day.

* * *

Tuvok tilted his head briefly to acknowledge Chakotay's concerns. "I will see to the ship and return."

Efficiently crossing the room, he kept his eyes on the captain as he left. It was not due to a lack of faith in Tom, Chakotay or the captain herself that he would return. He had come back because she was his friend, and she would not be without his support.

* * *

"Primitive's the name of the game, Seven. The whole thing's primitive. That's its charm." Tom argued his case with one eye on Seven and one on the captain.

Wandering casually back to the little group, Chakotay caught the last of the conversation. "You can't beat a good plasma shock." He smiled agreeably at Seven. "Personally I'm a fan of boiling in oil."

With effort, Kathryn lifted her head from Seven's shoulder. She lifted one hand lazily towards her husband. If he was quick, he could trade places with Seven. Not that she didn't trust the younger woman, Chakotay just had that look.

Seven swayed slowly, following the motion of the captain's body with her own. She saw no real point to the discussion, but the captain was amused by it.

"Boiling oil is messier than a locomotive. Perhaps you want to consider the 'death ray' you were discussing last week."

Chakotay grinned. Tom had regaled them with stories about the death ray at dinner one night. People were still avoiding him.

Catching Kathryn's hand with his, he slid in beside her, allowing Seven to slide out with a minimum of disruption to Kathryn. Putting his arm around her waist, he hugged her gently and kissed the top of her head before pulling back.

"Hello, beautiful." Chakotay's voice was quiet. He knew the others could hear, which was fine, but he was talking directly to her. "How are you doing?"

That was a complicated question. It took Kathryn a few moments, maybe even a minute, to realise it was a question directed towards her. The smell of Chakotay was more familiar than his voice, and her mind put the two slowly together. 

"I...I'm okay."

"Good." He smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. I think it might be time for a drink. Do you want to walk with me to get it?"

Kathryn's eyes weren't particularly focused and he kept his tone gentle. "We're supposed to keep you moving as long as we can. I don't want to have to answer to Tuvok." Chakotay knew his words weren't entirely sinking in, but he hoped his teasing tone would help to anchor her.

"You had tea from Tuvok earlier. Let's try some more of that." Offering his wrist for her to hold onto, he tugged gently at her waist, more of a coaxing than a push. "Can you walk with me?" They had to get her moving again.

She shook her head weakly. "Wait."

In the beginning, she could walk through them, even work and argue with Tuvok and Seven. Now the contractions really were pain. Her swollen stomach tried to flatten itself to her spine, but the hard, heavy shape of the baby stopped that. Letting go of him, Kathryn had one hand on her belly, waiting for the muscles to start to go hard. The swaying helped; she rhythmically moved her weight. Starring down, she forgot to sob as she wondered what it would be like to see her toes again.

It held her still, trembling with pain before it began to leave. Her breathing was ragged, uneven at first, but then it came back. She knew how to do that.

"All right, Chakotay." Kathryn couldn't remember where they were going, but she obediently followed his lead.

When she was back with him, Chakotay stroked her cheek and kissed her forehead. "Our baby's getting anxious to see us," he teased gently.

Tom nodded in agreement. "That was a good one, all right."

Gripping Kathryn's wrists lightly so she could grip his, Chakotay backed up, slow and steady, on his way to the replicator. "Look at me." Her eyes were soft and almost fuzzy, as if she was confused. "Watch me, all right? I've got you. We're fine. We're just going for a little walk."

He guided her carefully around the table. "It's good for you to drink if you can, and Baby E needs help getting out here, so we're moving around. Now a little tour of the dining area. You're doing great, Kathryn." Chakotay squeezed her arms gently. His voice was a low monologue and with every word he poured his heart into conveying how much he loved her.

Chakotay was talking to her. He'd used her name. For some reason he was narrating the walk to the replicator, which was odd, but somehow charming. Listening to his voice, regardless of the words, was soothing.

She tugged his hand, halting him before the replicator. "It doesn't like me," she reminded him. "It never has."

From the other side of the room Tom chuckled, but Chakotay ignored him.

"That's all right." He smiled at Kathryn. "I can make it give us what we want."

He couldn't remember the name of the tea Tuvok had fed her, but he ordered the last thing the replicator had produced and was relieved when the same scent wafted out from the cup.

"Try this." Handing her the tea, he brushed the back of his fingers across her belly, stroking the place where the baby struggled through her journey. Keeping one eye on Kathryn so he'd be ready to take it back at the first sign of pain, Chakotay quickly made his second request.

"I'm just going to wipe your face, all right?" The cloth was tepid, not too cold, and he hoped it might be comforting against her damp skin.

Nodding to him faintly, she held her cup in both hands and leaned back against the bulkhead. The metal was cold but the temperature made no difference, her skin was hot enough not to be affected. Kathryn sipped her tea, her lips were clumsy and Chakotay had to wipe her chin as much as her face.

She caught his hand, letting him take her cup before her hands trembled and dropped it. Past Chakotay's dark, concerned eyes, she saw Seven and Tom watching her. She couldn't hear the tricorder, but it was there, marking their baby's progress towards freedom. Bringing her gaze back to him, Kathryn shut her eyes and lost herself. Between Chakotay and the bulkhead was a place she had not been for a long time. She'd had trouble breathing then, moaning into his skin.

There were similarities between the struggle for life and the act during which it had taken hold. Surrendering to the pain of it, she pressed her back flat against the metal behind her. Her hands dug into his arms, connecting them. She stopped fighting and let herself cry out. Her sharp gasp rose in pitch. This contraction, like the last, seemed to be without end.

Chakotay watched the pain take her like a living thing and for one irrational moment he searched for a way to beat it back.

The baby, he chided himself feeling foolish. It was the only way.

Her cry pierced his heart but it was a relief to see her surrender. Watching her struggle to stay quiet had been worse. "Good, Kathryn, breathe, breathe." He chanted the command while the contraction consumed her and time stood still.

* * *

Seven did not understand empathy. She was aware of the emotion and it frequently made itself known in unpredictable ways. This was a situation where the emotion was both predicted and warranted but she still found the twisting sensation of her stomach disquieting. Ensign Paris also appeared upset and she was relieved she was not alone in her response.

The captain had attempted to discuss childbirth twice, but ship's business had made both conversations brief. Seven thought she understood the captain's reasons for wanting to remain out of sickbay. Sickbay could quickly induce frustration, and it would be doubly exhausting to be that and in physical pain.

"Lieutenant Tuvok said observing the birth would be rewarding yet emotionally difficult. I am finding this difficult. Do you?"

* * *

Panting, Kathryn released her grip on his arm and brought her hand to his chest. She rested it there, acknowledging that she heard him, even though speech was nearly impossible. It was taking longer to recover and the time between contractions was barely enough. Would they eventually run together completely? Would she still have enough strength to last until the end? She'd certainly done harder things for less of a reward. This was their baby; she would make it. Labour was infinitely more conquerable than the Delta Quadrant, even if it hurt more than anything she'd yet run into.

* * *

Running a hand quickly through his hair, Tom grinned at Seven. "It's not a walk in the park. Makes me glad I was born male." The captain's labour was progressing normally but normalcy didn't make it any easier to watch her struggle.

This was all brand new to Seven, and Tom doubted she'd even known what to expect. She needed a better answer than his joking response.

"I do find it difficult," he acknowledged. "Seeing someone you care about in pain is never an easy thing, even if the pain's for a good purpose." He studied her a moment. "You're allowed to take a break, you know. Nobody'd be offended if you wanted a few minutes to yourself."

* * *

That had been the hardest one yet, at least from his perspective. Chakotay knew logically that was a good thing. It took her longer to catch her breath this time and when her hand landed on his chest he covered it with his own.

"You're doing great, Kathryn. Everything's exactly as it should be." Wondering wryly who he was trying to reassure, he handed her back the tea cup.

She should drink, but he wanted to give her some warning, and their time between contractions was growing shorter. "Kathryn, we need to keep walking. Let me know when you're ready." Chakotay wasn't sure she'd heard him, or comprehended what he was telling her. Gently cupping her chin, he met her fuzzy gaze. "We have to walk, when you can."


	16. Chapter 16

Seven raised an eyebrow at his joke and determined many men on the ship would feel the same way. "I do not require the emotional response to cease, I simply wished to know it was appropriate. Emotions contain many unknown variables."

She glanced down, then brought her eyes back to the captain. She seemed to no longer be capable of or interested in speech. Considering the human reliance on verbal communication, she was fascinated.

"Before his feedback loop, the Doctor explained the mechanical process of birth but he neglected to mention the emotional aspect. I believe he thought he could not adequately explain the experience and avoided it. Captain Janeway's assertion that birth is a valuable experience seems to be more accurate. Not all valuable experiences are pleasant."

She looked over Paris' shoulder at his tricorder, she had been correct in her timing. The captain's contractions now lasted in excess of seventy seconds and the interval between had dropped to fifty. Her cervix had been dilated to seven-point-four centimetres which was adequate progress. She wondered if the captain would describe it that way.

"It is an incredible amount of effort for a very small physical change."

* * *

Drinking clumsily, she swallowed her tea in sips. It felt the same temperature as her body, almost as if it was part of her already. Perhaps because it was wet, and she was wet everywhere. Sweat coated her skin and crept through her hair as if it were a wick. Her nightgown clung to her skin as if it was part of her and some warm fluid ran slowly down her inner thighs. It was akin to a hot, wet cocoon where everything past the outer edges was no longer part of her universe.

But Chakotay wanted something. He wanted her to do something for him. Kathryn nodded, pushing off the familiar bulkhead and letting him guide her. She could do that.

* * *

A rush of love spread through him as she moved forward trustingly. She looked tiny and vulnerable in her bare feet but as always the small package covered an incredible amount of strength and determination. Kathryn's eyes were cloudy but her face held the expression he'd seen so often on the bridge when she was facing an unknown. Through sheer force of will she was going to do what needed to be done.

His own back was tired, he couldn't imagine what her body must be going through. Setting down her tea, Chakotay took her wrists again and moved slowly backward, guiding her through the maze of furniture and bodies. He wasn't sure she knew why they were even doing it, but she followed him anyway, stepping toward him every time he stepped away.

Passing Tom and Seven, who was studying them carefully, he smiled and wiped first Kathryn's forehead and then his own. "How far?"

"Seven and a half."

That was good news. It was farther than he thought they'd be. Leaning forward, he brushed his lips across her forehead and his hand across her belly, before resuming their little march. "You're doing an incredible job, Kathryn. We're all here with you."

It was comforting to speak the little mantra. She was doing amazingly well and he dwelled happily on that for a moment, knowing the hardest part was still to come.

* * *

Not since Naomi Wildman had been born had so many people on Voyager been concerned with an event in the personal lives of the crew. Tuvok remembered clearly the discussions they'd had on the bridge, waiting for Naomi's birth to be announced.

The bridge tonight had a similar sense of anticipation and excitement. Though Samantha Wildman was well-liked, everyone knew the captain. Mr. Kim had offered his nervous well-wishes. Lieutenant Torres had quietly asked how the captain was doing. Neelix had coffee and desserts in the mess hall, where several of the crew had smiled at him in that concerned fashion of emotional beings. Even at the late hour, the mess hall was full of activity. Many would be tired at their stations tomorrow.

Since he had little to report, Tuvok merely reiterated the captain's overall good health and her exceptional determination to Neelix and the crew when he collected a tray full of food for her attendants. 

Returning to the captain's quarters, Tuvok was approached by four more members of the crew, all of whom expressed their hope for the captain's continued well-being. He was not surprised, nor did it provoke an emotional reaction. He had anticipated as much. Captain Janeway was well liked and respected by her crew. Her pregnancy had only increased that sentiment.

Setting down what Neelix had given him, Tuvok gestured to Ensign Paris.

"Eat. It is easier to forgo sleep once you have."

Seven immediately came to his side, concern etched on her face. "The captain has begun to vocalise her discomfort."

Tuvok nodded to the young woman, trusting she would accept his calm as her own. He was acutely aware of the sobbing sound in the captain's breath, even from across the room.

"May I see your last scan, Mr. Paris?"

Tom handed over the tricorder willingly. He began to describe the data but cut himself off before the words escaped him. Tuvok didn't require an explanation and would consider anything he had to say redundant.

"They've been at it for quite a while." He nodded toward to the captain and Chakotay, who continued their shuffle dance around the perimeter of the room. "I haven't wanted to interrupt them. He's got her focused and moving, and she's breathing well through every contraction, even these latest ones.

"Tuvok," Tom hesitated. "The captain doesn't want any medical intervention. I have nothing to offer her, but she's getting really tired." He shrugged. "I know that's normal, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch. Or to experience, I wouldn't think."

"The presentation of the baby's head has improved." Tuvok gestured to a scan from a few hours ago and then switched back. "See how the curve of the baby's spine has altered? The baby initially began to present with too much of his face down instead of the top of his head. I have seen that before. The captain is fortunate that it has shifted."

Handing the tricorder back, he turned to Seven, who did not need to spend as much time eating as Tom or Chakotay. "Please fill the bathtub. I will require your assistance."

Seven nodded to him and walked into the bathroom without a word.

"Hot water can frequently be an effective way to manage pain. Labour is often something best managed by experimentation. Trying different positions until one of them is more comfortable." He looked over at the captain and turned back to Tom. "Occasionally none of them are. This is the captain's choice, and we do her no harm by respecting that. She will recover."

Tuvok pointed at the tray of food again. "Eat, and encourage the commander to do so."

* * *

Pulling against Chakotay's grip, Kathryn didn't know where she'd go or what she'd do if she were released. She'd been crying, and the tears on her cheek were lost in the sweat already there. Even between contractions most of her body ached and during them the pain was white hot and it consumed her. She'd been spat out, over and over again just to be sucked back under and it hurt.

Nothing helped any more. Not trying to distract herself, or looking at Chakotay, or thinking about how much she would love this baby. All of it whitened out and vanished when the pain came.

Tom's concern for the captain was reasonable. She was significantly more tired, and her responses were becoming more instinctual and erratic. Trying to convince the commander to leave her might be more difficult than he anticipated.

Her sweaty wrist slipped free from Chakotay's grasp, a side effect of Kathryn's lastest contraction, Tuvok caught it. The shock of skin-to-skin contact with her made him inhale sharply. Her emotions were enough that they crackled within her, like current through water. The only way to control it was to extend his self-control, asserting his calm over the pain that had her.

The commander looked at him as the captain's breathing began to slow. "I will see to her. Go. Eat. There are many hours left and you have not eaten for the last several."

Chakotay bit back the retort that threatened on the tip of his tongue. It was irrational and inappropriate. Tuvok was here to help.

With his suddenly-free hand he swiped at the sweat that had formed on his brow, then dabbed carefully at Kathryn's forehead with the damp towel.

His back and legs ached, his arms were bruised and scraped from her agonised grasps, and he was slowly becoming aware of how desperately thirsty he was. Tuvok's appearance had broken his focus and he looked at Kathryn, seeing her clearly for the first time in what felt like a very long time. The anguish on her face shattered the fragile hold on his own emotions and for a second his heart wrenched like it would tear away from his chest wall.

Chakotay had hardened himself to her cries, concentrating on what they needed to do, but her suffering was palpable, like a separate presence in the room beside him. For a moment he wrestled with the other man's suggestion.

"I don't want to leave her." He wasn't sure if it was a confession or an argument.

She should have said something, anything, but she couldn't. Something washed over her, warm, like the sun breaking the clouds but it couldn't stay. It was a moment of peace in an agony of chaos and it stayed with her. Even when her next contraction came, Kathryn had that light as if it was in the corner of her eye. It was familiar. She knew it somehow. There was a reason it was so bright beyond her perception. She clung to it, clawing her way up towards the world she'd surrendered.

"Go."

Her own voice surprised her. It was ragged; worn like a crone's. Kathryn knew the light when it parted those clouds even further. He'd been in her mind before, and part of him was still there. Maybe that part recognised Tuvok and dragged her up.

Pulling her hand from Chakotay's grasp, she stroked his arm. Tuvok could explain it, she couldn't.

"I will take care of her." Tuvok did not make promises, because they were unnecessary. He would care for his friend as he had cared for his wife. It was logical. He understood, perhaps better than most on Voyager, the experience of bringing a child forth. "My wife would find it very illogical if I did not."

Chakotay understood the logic; rationality wasn't his problem. He desperately did not want to leave her. What was he supposed to do- eat, drink, relax, take a break? There would be no break for Kathryn until this was over.

Kathryn's hand on his arm was reassuring but it took another moment before Chakotay could acknowledge what was holding him back. She was hurting, he was at least partly responsible for it. He could leave, she could not.

The unfairness of it left him angry, but it was what it was. He wasn't arrogant enough to think that he was the only one who could help her, but he cursed his own limitations just the same.

Taking a breath, Chakotay nodded to Tuvok. It was selfish not to let someone new into the picture, someone who might bring something fresh to help Kathryn keep fighting. "I know you will."

A wave of gratitude washed over him. Tuvok understood how hard this was, and he'd let Chakotay come to the right conclusion on his own. He really was supporting them both.

Even still, stepping back was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. 

It took very little more to convince Kathryn to come with him. She put her head on his chest, breathing weakly but steadily. She trusted him and that would make things easier. Tuvok knew Chakotay would be better able to assist her if he had eaten and rested, if even for half an hour.

Tuvok put his hand on the back of the captain's neck, wrapping the other around her back, he held as much of her weight as he could. The neuropressure points on the back of her neck could help if he had her calm enough to use them.

Nodding again to the commander, he waited for the captain to stop tensing. She'd never cried into his chest before but now, she did so without hesitation. Crying was a perfectly normal human response to pain. In fact, her sobbing was a better sign than her struggling to be quiet.

"It is all right. Pain is transient and will pass. You are above it. This is nothing more than a turbulent sea and you are adrift above it." Meditation techniques were not her strong suit, but it would soothe her to hear a calm voice.

* * *

It was easier to cry to Tuvok than Chakotay. Kathryn didn't even realise she'd been holding back until Tuvok's arms were around her and she thought Chakotay might not hear her. She didn't know what was going on, or why her body was even still functioning. Surely all of her nerves were burned raw by now. Tuvok half-carried her to bathroom. The steam in the air was just as damp as her skin.

Tuvok and Seven began to sit her down on the edge of the tub but the hard knot of the baby sent white hot pain through her hips as soon as she bent her legs.

"No--"

They held her arms, keeping her upright and removing the terrible pressure. Seven stroked her hair, as if she were Naomi, afraid of the dark. Seven's hands were cold, and pleasant. When they began to talk, she closed her eyes and let their conversation happen without her.

* * *

Seven had one hand on the captain's back, and the captain's trembling arm around her neck. Tuvok did not seem concerned, even though the captain smelt faintly of blood. She deferred to Tuvok's greater expertise.

"If sitting is uncomfortable, we will need to guide her into the bathtub."

Seven looked at the water and then down at her feet. Her clothing would not be damaged by the water but her boots would be unwieldy wet. "If I remove my footwear, I can lead her in."

The captain was half-way through another contraction, by Seven's count she had forty-eight seconds remaining, when Seven had removed her boots. She looked to Tuvok for instructions as he rocked back and forth.

"Wait, then we will move her in."

"And this will help?"

"It may." Tuvok conceded with a nod that it also might not. "Water has been known to have a comforting effect."

* * *

"Chakotay." Tom approached carefully. The father-to-be stood in the same place he'd backed up to when Tuvok had taken over with the captain.

Tentatively Tom put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. She's okay. Tuvok's got her. You should come and have something to eat."

Shaking his head, Chakotay shrugged the hand off, not unkindly. "Not right now. I need a few minutes." He was losing his focus. He needed something- not food, not rest.

Walking to the replicator, he ordered a glass of cold water and downed it in a single drink. His uniform was damp and uncomfortable. The room felt small and confining and he could still hear Kathryn's cries. If he was supposed to rejuvenate, this wasn't the way.

Turning back to Tom, he managed a small grin. "I will. I just need--" That was it.

Passing by a puzzled Tom, Chakotay moved into the bedroom and rifled through his drawers until he found clean clothes. From the bathroom he could hear Tuvok's voice, low and soothing. He wasn't sure what it was doing for Kathryn, but it was reassuring to him. I'll be back, he promised her. I'll be right back.

He passed by Tom again on his way out the door. "I won't be long. Call me if anything changes. Anything. And Paris?" He stopped to look him in the eye. "Keep an eye on things. Go in there, will you? Just--" Chakotay shrugged.

Nodding, Tom did his best to reassure him. "I'm on my way in there right now."

In the corridor Chakotay slapped his hand to his chest. "Chakotay to Torres. I'm on my way to you. You'd better be home."

* * *

Seven stepped backwards into the bathtub, the hot water was nearly up to her knees but her bare feet hand good purchase on the bottom. She held out her hands, catching and sharing the captain's arms with Tuvok.

"It is all right." She said softly, following Tuvok's lead. "You are all right."

The captain was small, for an adult human, and even pregnant, she was not heavy. It was easy for the two of them to lift and guide her up over the edge of the bath. They should have had several more seconds, at least twelve, but the captain's contraction came early, shattering the rhythm Seven had been tracking.

She doubled up, and Seven moved quickly to stand in front of her. The captain's forehead hit her chest hard and she moaned. It rose in pitch, and her fingers dug hard into Seven's arms.

"Remind her she is all right." Tuvok's voice was soft and deep; it cut through the captain's pained breathing. Tuvok's hands ran down her back, then up again, searching for the right points to alleviate the pressure labour had put on her spine. "Repetition is acceptable."

* * *

Seven was nothing like her mother. Gretchen was shorter, and far more emotional than Seven had ever been. Even so, something about Seven's voice, and her shy hands on Kathryn's shoulders was comforting. The water was hot all the way up to her knees, but she wasn't in it, not yet. Tuvok's hands were both hard and soothing. Their constancy remind her of Chakotay. It was good for him not to see this. It was hard enough for him when she'd started to cry, this would be awful.

"You are all right." Seven's voice whispered, over and over. "You are all right."

When the contraction ended, in the tiny space between that and the next, Seven and Tuvok guided her down, She hadn't sat down in hours, but it could have been weeks. The baby was always too much, always in the wrong place, but somehow...

Kathryn looked up into Tuvok's deep brown eyes and actually saw him. "You came back."

Tom chuckled. "He's been here awhile, Captain. I think it's you who's come back."

The sound of movement in the main room alerted him to the fact that Chakotay had returned. Nodding to Tuvok, Tom went out to investigate.

The commander was picking over the food Tuvok had brought. He looked tired but more himself and Tom went to sit with him.

"How is she?" Chakotay put his feet up and started in on a plate of something Tom had avoided.

"She's good. Eight and a half centimetres. Tuvok and Seven have her in the tub." Tom raised a hand, "I've been there the whole time too. Everything's normal. She's exhausted, but that's expected." He looked at the other man curiously. "You look better. Where'd you go?"

Chakotay leaned his head back and for a moment closed his eyes. "I was with B'Elanna." He'd ranted to her from the shower, making her stand outside the doorway and listen to him. He felt considerably better.

Opening his eyes, he glanced back at Tom. "How much longer, do you think?" It was a ridiculous question but he couldn't help himself.

Tom shrugged. "There's really no way to know."

* * *

"Then Flotter and and Naomi Wildman went into the Caves of Wonder, which Flotter kept calling the Caves of Darkness and Scariness. The caves proved to neither be dark nor frightening and they learned how crystals are formed, in a very rudimentary fashion."

Kathryn half-smiled at Seven. The young former Borg was still in the bath with her, sitting in front of her and helping her balance on her knees without putting too much weight on them. The captain had calmed down in the last hour. Her contractions now nearly ran together but she was quieter, more aware of what was happening around her. Seven didn't think she'd heard the story, but she seemed to appreciate that Seven was telling it.

Tuvok's hands kept running over her back, and he leaned over the edge of the bath, arms immersed. His uniform jacket and undershirt had been abandoned in the corner; his tanktop was nearly soaked with water. The constant attention he paid to the nerves in the captain's back seemed to be effective, and there were moments where she acknowledged they were there.

She had also twice referred to Seven as her mother, but Tuvok had advised not to contradict her.

* * *

Maybe there was a point where one had felt all the pain she could, and her nerves ceased to function. Her contractions still hurt, growing like plasma flares within her before they burned themselves out. Each one receded only to be replaced with another but her mother was there. Kathryn had felt her presence. She wasn't sure where she was, or why sometimes it was Seven who held her hands and sometimes it was her mother, but she was there. She was sure of it.

The pressure in her hips had been uncomfortable, then acutely painful, and now it was starting to become something else. Kathryn didn't know what, but someone would tell her. Her mother would know. Hissing through the build-up of the next contraction, she held her mother's hands tighter before she lost her again.

"Tell me about home."

* * *

Tuvok nodded to Seven when she hesitated at the request. "What do you know about Indiana, on Earth?"

Seven looked back at him with mild alarm. "Only what the captain has told me. It is agricultural, sparsely populated. They grow many different crops. There are often thunderstorms--"

"Continue." Tuvok urged her.

"The wind is very loud before a storm, and the sky can turn green. This can be very frightening to witness, and is possibly more so than a plasma storm, though I doubt the accuracy of that idea..."

Watching Seven attend to Kathryn, Chakotay stood quietly in the doorway without interrupting. He didn't want to interfere, what they were doing with her was clearly working well, but he hadn't been able to stay away any longer. For the time being he contented himself with just being present.

"Fear's relative, Seven." He kept his voice low so it wouldn't disturb Kathryn. "It all depends on the situation."

* * *

She measured the time she could breathe in heartbeats. Not that Kathryn spent much time counting, but when the pain let up, the beating of her heart rushed loud through her ears. Seven was obediently repeating everything she'd ever been told about Indiana. Had she asked? She must have said something, but she couldn't remember.

Her groan dropped to a sigh in the back of her throat. Pain hummed and crackled, running through her as if she was the conduit for the rest of the ship. Kathryn was only mildly aware of the universe beyond her skin, and though she saw and heard, none of it was important. Since most of her skin was immersed in water, there was even less to notice. She'd been wet before, but this was safer, calmer.

Seven's hands were there, and Tuvok's and their voices were soft and pleasant even if she didn't follow the words.

When her heartbeat vanished and pain soared in its place, Seven's hands were there to hold her own grasping ones and Tuvok's unerringly followed the stinging down her back. It would build, peaking higher than the last; bringing the hard, demanding shape of the baby closer and closer to the world.

* * *

Seven nodded distractedly towards Chakotay. He was possibly correct, but she did not wish to debate the subject with him at this time. Instead, she told the captain about the fields of hay she'd seen in the holodeck, and how she'd tried to describe the smell, but only realised that hay, smelt like hay.

"Breathe with her." Tuvok suggested, drawing her attention. "Become something she can focus on. Slowly. Do not let her tense."

It felt strange, and Seven would have discontinued the activity if the captain had not tuned into the rhythm Seven set with her breathing. It was wordless, and Seven was unsure that the captain even knew what was happening, but it helped.


	17. Chapter 17

Tuvok turned his head slightly towards Chakotay. Pleased that he sounded more relaxed, Tuvok gestured for the commander's attention. "Following the nerves on her back helps alleviate the increasing pressure of the baby against her spinal column. Your tactile skills are excellent. Your assistance would be valuable."

Chakotay moved in eagerly beside Tuvok. His feet were bare, which made it easier to keep his footing on the wet floor. The tiny bathroom could barely accommodate them both but Tuvok made space. Tom had consented to stay in the main room, where he was happily working on some project of his own, available to conduct scans as they were needed.

Fortunately medical intervention hadn't been required and there was no reason to anticipate that it would be.

Tuvok steeled himself against another mind, and found the process more difficult than usual. Kathryn's mind was chaotic and demanded much of his self control to keep separate, adding the commander's eager presence was not somehow he would have done were it not necessary.

"Her peripheral nerves run outward from her spine, along with the smooth muscles of her lumbar region. As the baby descends down into her pelvis, these muscles contract as well and can be very painful. We are attempting to add counter-pressure which may alleviate some of the pain."

Taking the commander's hands to demonstrate was the part he anticipated would be most challenging. Tuvok centred his mind, making the part in contact with Kathryn calm and patient while he closed off anything of him the commander might feel. Best not to distract him.

"Follow the muscles down and around to her hips, then return your hands and repeat the motion. If you remain aware of her, and the sounds of her breathing, you will be more effective."

Tuvok demonstrated once more and left the commander to the task. He stood, noting his own sore muscles and dismissed the sensations. They were unimportant.

* * *

Seven did not wish to break the fragile eye contact the captain kept with her and did not look up to Tuvok as he circled around her. She knew he would be able to read the situation without her verbal explanation and continued to offer the captain a pattern to follow. The amount of discomfort the captain was in appeared to be rising again, but the sounds she made were lower pitched.

"When she is ready to push, she may tell you." Tuvok explained behind her head. "She may not understand what she feels, nor know what she wants but it is essential that you remain calm."

"I should watch for her to become confused?"

"Possibly agitated or euphoric. It is likely you will be the one she attempts to communicate that to."

Seven locked her eyes on the captain's. She was of course capable of watching for minute behavioural changes.

"I will comply."

Content in the knowledge that Seven would care for the captain's changing needs, he returned to the commander.

"Have you decided if you would like to catch the child?"

Tuvok's question startled Chakotay. Stroking his hands down Kathryn's body in the pattern he'd been shown, he glanced up at the man standing over him.

"Right. There's a child at the end of this, isn't there? I almost forgot." He shook his head. There was a strange distortion around the whole experience- time stood still and meaning was lost. Everything had shrunk down to Kathryn and getting her through the pain.

It hadn't taken him long to figure out what was soothing to her. He might not know childbirth but he knew her body and Tuvok was right. By paying attention to her breathing and the sounds she made as the contractions engulfed her, Chakotay had figured out what worked. He was surprised by the amount of pressure required.

It was a relief to be able to do something for her.

"I want to catch the baby." He'd thought a lot about it and had decided to wait and see what Kathryn needed. If she was all right letting someone else coach her through the last of the pushing, he wanted more than anything to be the person to welcome their child into the world. If their baby had to leave the comfort of her mother, it seemed only right that it be into the hands of her father.

"Not too much longer, Kathryn." Chakotay murmured the words under his breath, not wanting to distract her from Seven's encouragement. Realising what Tuvok meant, he looked back up. "You think she's getting close to being able to push?"

Crouching down beside Chakotay, Tuvok indulged him with a slight nod. "Her contractions are forceful and nearly without interval. It is possible her cervix has already dilated past ten centimetres but there is no hurry. It is most likely that the captain will tell us when she is ready. Speculation is not logical, however being prepared is."

"I am not able to predict what position will be most comfortable for her and the first child presents the most challenge to their mother's pelvis. Her holographic renderings indicated no problems based on the size of the child, and Mr. Paris can advise us as to the child's position."

There was no way to ease him into the information, so Tuvok was precise. "The head will be born first. Usually the child's head will face contrary to his mother's, though this it not always the case. The head is heavy and the child's spine is delicate. Support it carefully and be careful of the neck twisting as the shoulders are born. Shoulders can also present difficulty and it is best to be patient. The rest of the body is much easier. I believe it would be best to have Mr. Paris assist you; Seven and I will care for the captain."

* * *

How long had Seven been there? It could have been minutes or an eternity, Kathryn might not ever now just long she'd been in labour but at least now she was sure the woman with her was Seven, not her mother.

"Seven." Her voice did work. "Seven."

"Captain?"

Kathryn only had seconds to tell her before they were both caught up in the endless task of making sure she breathed.

"Thank you. Thank you. You've-" Pain started again, clenching all of her muscles downward. Something important was about to happen. "You've been so wonderful."

Seven's expression softened. She was still learning and Kathryn had just confused her.

"It is most-" Seven searched for a word and Kathryn actually laughed her way into the next surge of her body.

"Unique," Seven finished.

The moment was over; Seven was breathing with her again and allowing Kathryn's hands to dig into her flesh, but now, Kathryn was certain Seven was smiling back.

* * *

The sound of Kathryn's voice brought a lump to Chakotay's throat. It was shaky but stronger than he would have expected, and she knew where she was and what was happening. That had to be significant. He planted a kiss on the back of her neck, careful not to break the rhythm he was performing on her back.

The sound of a tricorder beside him caused him to look up. Tom was leaning over the tub.

Meeting his eyes, Tom grinned. "Ten centimetres. Has she given any indication of wanting to push?" He glanced toward Seven, who was sitting in front of the captain in the water and speaking to her softly.

Chakotay caught Seven's eye over Kathryn's shoulder. To have both of them speaking would be nothing but confusion. He wasn't sure she knew he was there and he leaned around her carefully so she could see him. He didn't want to startle her and he wasn't sure she was capable of answering, but if she could she should be given the chance. "Kathryn, Tom wants to know how you're feeling."

Kathryn turned her head towards Chakotay's voice in confusion. She had no idea when he'd come back, or even when he'd left, but she was so happy to see him.

"Hey."

Turning in the tub was far more difficult than she expected, and Seven's hands on her shoulders were a godsend. As her weight shifted, something changed in her pelvis. Kathryn frowned, fixing her eyes on her husband in confusion before she looked back at Seven.

"I have to get out now."

Chakotay looked at Tom, who nodded. "She's getting ready. Put some towels down; the floor's slippery and she's going to be close to a dead weight for whoever helps her out."

Stroking his hand down her back once more, this time more in love than assistance, Chakotay got to his feet. "Hang on, Kathryn. We'll get you out of there."

Seven turned to Tuvok, who got to his feet and came close to the edge of the tub. Putting her feet underneath her, she caught both of the captain's arms beneath the elbows. Half-stumbling, half embracing, she got the captain to her feet. Outside the bath, Chakotay and Tuvok were both waiting for her, arms outstretched. With Tom in the background.

The captain looked at them in amazement before turning her head back towards Seven. Who was the closest and the easiest to recognise.

"You're all here." Her voice was breathy, and she lost the ability to speak for several seconds before it came back to her. "I- You- you're all here for the baby."

The captain's arms were trembling, as Tuvok, Seven and Chakotay lifted her out. Her legs were shaking as well and she put both hands on Chakotay's shoulders. "Are you sure this is happening?"

He couldn't help but chuckle. "Fairly sure. Sooner than you think, I'm guessing." He was unbelievably happy to see Kathryn come back more fully to herself, and the knowledge that their baby was so close to being there caused a rush of joy to fill his chest.

Chakotay had her firmly around the waist. "We need to take a couple of steps so Tuvok and Seven can get beside you to help, is that okay?" He wanted their physical strength in case hers gave out. Kathryn was wet and slippery and he wasn't sure how long he'd be able to hold her on his own. "I've got you, Kathryn. I won't let go."

Climbing out of the bathtub, Seven left a trail of water on the floor behind it but it was not important. Tuvok slipped past her, catching the captain's arm as soon as he had room to do so. Seven moved quickly to join him, grabbing the captain's other arm just as they left the bathroom.

"The shaking is a vagal response," Tuvok explained to her. "Do not be concerned."

The captain turned towards him and Seven recognised joy, however exhausted, in her voice.

"It's close Tuvok, isn't it? The baby--"

Kathryn cut herself off. The contraction was still harsh enough to double her over, but Tuvok and Seven had her tightly around each arm. When she bent her legs, crouching down a little, her eyes widened suddenly. That was right. That was what she was supposed to be doing. The constant, burning, desperate pressure between her thighs improved when she was lower. She moaned and the gutteral sound came up from her chest.

"Mr. Paris?" Tuvok asked one last time.

Tom was already scanning. "All systems go. The baby's in the perfect position and ready for some help. You can push if you feel like it, Captain."

Chakotay looked at them in amazement. "Here? We're going to do it here?"

"You'd rather be on the bridge?" Kathryn barely had the time or breath to make the joke, but somehow, she found both. She needed to do something about the baby before he or she crawled out on his own. She gritted her teeth and looked at the Vulcan on her right.

"Tuvok- Tuvok- I--"

"You can push." His tone was low, calming and steady. "Take a breath, hold it and Seven and I will count. Bend your knees, relax, trust us. We have you. You are safe."

Tuvok looked at Seven just long enough to switch the responsibility of talking to the captain to her, then he looked at the surprised commander.

"I suggest you kneel down."

"Captain--" Seven's voice held as much command authority as Kathryn's own usually did. "When the contraction starts, you can push with it. Wait...wait..."

Kathryn cried out in frustration, but the feeling of helplessness vanished when she dropped lower towards the ground. The pressure began to sting a little, and slowly that fire crept upwards towards the hard, round ball that had been sinking lower for the last eternity. Panting, she waited for Seven, and then held her breath while the young woman counted.

The excitement that had been simmering in his chest bounced around his stomach as Chakotay knelt on the floor in front of his wife. Somehow the last twelve or thirteen hours hadn't been enough time to prepare him for this moment.

Kathryn's legs were shaking but he sensed no fear from her and in the back of his mind he remembered what Tuvok had said about the nervous system response. Her skin was pale and wet and he resisted the urge to touch her, not wanting to break her concentration. Instead he watched her and marveled that her body, the body he had held and stroked and loved, was performing this feat that no scientist would ever convince him wasn't a miracle.

He'd heard of some men being turned off by the whole process, but Chakotay was more in awe of her, and more in love with her, than he'd ever been. She was unbearably beautiful, and somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that he was trembling himself.

Even as his heart was full of wonder, his focus was on her struggle. "Good, Kathryn, good, good. We're all here with you."

Tom crouched beside him. "It's good. She's doing great. Not that I should be surprised, but wow." He'd stay close to make sure Chakotay didn't have any trouble.

"Breathe-" Seven corrected her when she tried to hold her breath. "You should not stop."

Kathryn turned her head enough to tease her but she had to push again before she could speak. Pushing took all of her energy, as if her entire body lived for that moment. When her contraction ended, she was limp, trembling slightly between Seven and Tuvok, but they helped her back up and let her lean on them. She had head on Tuvok's chest, and she panted for a moment before she reached for Chakotay's cheek.

Clumsily stroking it, she smiled down at him. "You're going to know what it is before I do."  
He caught her hand and kissed the palm quickly, before the next contraction started. "Any last minute guesses? This is your final chance."

"Girl?" Kathryn had no idea. It didn't really matter at this point. The idea that there really was a baby behind the burning sensation high between her thighs didn't make any sense.

"Boy." Seven was much more sure.

Kathryn smiled down at her husband once more and then turned to Seven. "If- if- you saw a scan, that's--"

"I would not 'cheat'."

Her offended look made Kathryn giggle a little, and she closed her eyes just for a moment. She could feel the contraction building far away, like a wave just crossing the horizon. It closed on her, tensing up her body and she crouched back down with it.

"Push." Seven reminded her, making the command a steady mantra of Borg efficiency.

Tuvok was quieter now. Reminding her she was strong, and safe when she stood and seemed to need it.

The three of them stood or squatted as a team, both of the others holding her steady because she had no balance to do it herself. The bulkhead behind her was slick with sweat. Part of her hair dried from the bath but was sodden again from the sweat that covered her. The sensation of hot trickling down her thigh began again but it wasn't even unpleasant. Everything was all right.

She'd lost count of contractions, lost track of time, and all she had was the little group around her. Tom and Chakotay grew more and more excited as the burning sensation tracked lower in her hips. When she had to bite her lip against it, something was different. Something had happened, even if it was for a moment.

"Kathryn, that was-- Was that--" Chakotay turned to Tom, who was nodding. The grin on Tom's face threatened to split his cheeks.

The delight almost strangled him. "Kathryn, we can see the baby's head. I mean, we could. It's gone now, but--" The laughter that bubbled up from nowhere cut off his words. "You're doing it, Kathryn, you're so close. She's almost here."

"Hair," she demanded when she could. "Hair. What colour is his hair?" Kathryn couldn't help hoping a little for the auburn she shared with her mother. It was more likely that Chakotay's dark hair would win out but she had a few fragments of hope.

Tuvok and Seven hauled her back up again but the stinging sensation remained between her legs. Biting her lip distracted her a little and Tuvok seemed to know what was happening.

"When the baby crowns, you will have to wait without pushing to let your labia stretch."

Swallowing two sips of the tea Seven had for her, Kathryn pushed the cup away and glared at Tuvok. "I like pushing. It- I- have something to do."

"You need not wait long."

The next contraction dropped her down, low towards her knees with the throbbing desire to push. Seven barely need coax her now, she wanted to push so badly that it was hard to let up. The stinging, stretching sensation burst into full fire and she gasped.

"Easy, Captain, hold up." Tom looked up with sympathy. "Tuvok's right, your body needs a minute to adjust. Short, panting breaths, through your mouth. No pushing, not right now."

The top of the baby's head was in full view. "Dark hair, Kathryn." Chakotay attempted to distract her. "Darkish. It's hard to tell because it's wet."

He stroked the tiny head with the pads of his fingers and his breath caught in his throat.  
"Good, Captain, you're doing great. That's exactly it. Just another minute."

Turning to Chakotay, Tom lowered his voice. "Want to help?" He was already touching her and he didn't seem in the least squeamish about what was happening.

Chakotay nodded eagerly, curious about what Tom was going to tell him.

"Slip your finger carefully between the baby's head and her body, then slide it all the way around in a slow, gentle circle. We want to help the skin accommodate to what's happening."

It was strange to touch her so intimately in front of everyone, but the desire to ease their baby's way into the world overrode all his other thoughts.

"All right, Captain. You can push again whenever you like, but I want you to think slow and steady. Nice and easy. Just like spacedock." Tom grinned. "You're doing great. You're just about there."

Tuvok had moved so he looked directly into her eyes and forced her to concentrate against the urge to push. Kathryn wanted so badly to keep pushing through the contraction that she had tears in her eyes when it ended. Even without it, her body wanted to move the baby through the ring of fire and out, down into the world.

"Patience." Tuvok reminded her. "Look at me. Wait."

When even that didn't work, he breathed with her. Blowing air slowly out of his mouth, just as she had to.

When Tom finally said it was over, she shut her eyes, thanking whoever was watching out for her that she could finally push again. She could beat this. She would.

After she'd caught her breath and the next contraction came, she surrendered to it completely. Letting it wash over her like the rain in the summer, Kathryn breathed with Seven's encouragement, before the burning ache erupted beneath her and turned to a sob.

Chakotay watched in awe as the baby began to slowly emerge from Kathryn's body. Once out, the little head turned and he could see the side of his or her face. Red and covered with all manner of fluids, it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

His breath caught in a sob and he almost missed what Tom was telling him.

"Okay, good. You want your hand right on the baby's head, not pushing, not pulling, just there as support. The next part's going to be a shoulder, it might come quickly or it might take a few pushes. We want to be ready for whatever happens next. Once the shoulders are out the rest of the body will follow more quickly. It'll be very slippery. You want to support the head and neck with one hand and the rest of it with the other."

Tom clasped a hand onto his shoulder and squeezed. "You've got this. You're doing great. Your baby's almost here, dad."

"They have the head, Captain." Tuvok explained when she looked to him. "Your baby should arrive shortly."

This time it was Seven she leaned on, catching her breath when slowly as she laughed and cried. Kathryn wasn't sure which she wanted to do more, but both seemed acceptable. She kept her head on Seven's chest, trying not to think about the splitting, splintering heat connected to that head. Waiting for the contraction nearly drove her crazy, but it finally came, rushing up and over so she could push.

Tuvok had his eyes on Chakotay's hands. Both of them were beneath her now and Tom was right next to him, beaming.

Seven was the one who kept her focused, a minor miracle. "Continue pushing. Breathe. Breathe. Push. Push--"

Even with Tom's warning, it went much faster than he'd expected. The next push brought the first shoulder and as Chakotay adjusted his hold to support it, the other slid out and then the baby was there, face down in his hands.

Chakotay's breath was a gasping, laughing sob, oddly similar to Kathryn's in that moment, and he held on for dear life to slippery little greyish-blue body. Not much bigger than the span of both his palms, he found a careful grip that worked for him, then turned his child over to meet him or her properly for the first time.

Ten fingers, ten toes and--

"Kathryn, it's a boy." His voice shook as much as his arms and Tom moved closer in alarm, but there was no way the baby was ever, ever going to slip away from him.

"It's a boy. Kathryn, we have a son." The tears streamed down his cheeks, unchecked and unashamed.

She couldn't see. Kathryn knew her belly had gone down, and that the pain, all of it, was suddenly gone. She was sore; even buzzing a little, but it was done.

Tom and Chakotay had the baby.

The baby was a boy.

She glanced at Tuvok, blinking back tears. Tuvok nodded, confirming what she'd heard.  
"A boy."

Had she thought it would be a girl? Did she care as long as he was healthy? A moment of silence reigned over all of them, and they waited for the baby to cry, or sputter. He needed to make a sound. He--

A high, thin wail cut the air, almost bleating.

"You are successful, Captain," Seven said proudly. She stroked Kathryn's hair, smiling without hesitation.

Tuvok squeezed her hand. "I had no doubt you would be."

Her own doubts disappeared, melting into the sound of their baby crying into the early morning.

"It's okay, little man." Chakotay spoke quietly to the baby. The rush of love appeared from nowhere, overwhelming in its intensity.

Glancing up at his wife through his own tears, he smiled. "Look at him, he's beautiful." He moved back slightly from Kathryn, letting her see, mindful of the cord that still had them attached.

Tom had a small sonic cleaner. With quick but gentle strokes he removed the fluid, and something white that Chakotay couldn't identify.

Handing it to Chakotay, Tom grinned. "Clear his eyes, carefully. Then we'll let his mother hold him. The cord can't be cut until it stops pulsing."

The trip to the sofa happened without Kathryn really being aware of it. Tuvok and Seven had a hold of her so securely that her legs barely had to work.

She couldn't take her eyes away from the baby as Tom and Chakotay cleaned him off. His hands were so tiny, and his little fingers moved on their own.

"Chakotay. He's so small." She sniffed back tears, and Seven patted her shoulder.

"He is of perfectly adequate size for a newborn."

"Thank you, Seven, Tuvok, Tom...." Kissing her cheek startled the young woman, but Tuvok handled his kiss better. He'd been expecting it. "You were all so wonderful. Weren't they Chakotay?"

"They were." Chakotay smiled agreeably but his glance never moved from the baby, whose crying had stopped once he was cuddled close. Kathryn was right; he was much tinier than Chakotay had expected, but perfect in every way.

Tom was scanning Kathryn and Tuvok was still on her other side. Looking up finally to acknowledge the group, Chakotay smiled. "Excuse me, gentlemen." Leaning in, he kissed her mouth softly, cupping her cheek for a moment as he pulled away.

Grinning, Tom moved back discreetly. "You have some time to get acquainted, then we're going to need you to do a little more work, Captain."

Brushing his lips across the tiny forehead, Chakotay smiled down at his son. "Time to see your mother from a new perspective." He placed the baby in Kathryn's arms, thinking as he did so that it might have been the best thing he'd ever gotten to do.

"Look at his eyes." They were half open behind tiny red eyelids. Kathryn couldn't tell if they were brown or blue but they looked up at her. She understood empirically that pregnancy ended with a child. She'd endured the inconveniences of being pregnant because a child was a good cause. It was a good reason for everything that had driven her crazy.

She understood that part but all of it was becoming a blur and this little baby and his father were the centre of the universe.

"I'm afraid he might look like you and be all me in his head. He's already stubborn."

Tuvok very gently stroked the baby's lips, checking for his reflex to nurse. "Personality traits are not considered an inherited trait. Have you chosen a name for him?"

Chakotay slid his arm around Kathryn, holding his little family as close as he could, and answered her concern with a kiss to the temple. "Stubborn's good. He'll need it out here."

Sliding a hand over the baby's head, he was surprised to find how soft it was. It was mesmerising, and difficult to focus on anything else, but Tuvok had asked a reasonable question. "We do have a name." He smiled at Kathryn. "Don't we?"

Kathryn wasn't sure what her own name was at the moment. She knew she had one, but further than that, all she could think about was the little baby staring up at her with impossibly blue eyes. Did they have a name for him? How could they? He was so perfectly tiny. How could they have possibly chosen something to call him? That was such a huge responsibility.

She looked from Chakotay to Tuvok, hopelessly overwhelmed. Finally, she fixed her eyes on Tom, who was smiling. He'd been so caring. Her mind snapped back, as if coming out of warp and reminded her that she'd talked about names with Chakotay.

"His name is Evan." She swallowed, trying to make her voice work past the lump in her throat. Was she ever going to stop crying? She brought her head close to Chakotay's ear and whispered what she wanted. Hopefully he'd understand that she hadn't just gone crazy.

Thomas would be a perfect middle name.

Chakotay was nodding before she could even get the words all the way out. "I think it's a great idea," he murmured. He couldn't believe they hadn't thought of it before. Tom had been at the centre of all things baby-related for the past seven months. Chakotay couldn't begin to imagine where they'd have been without him.

Kathryn had no idea where Tuvok had found a handkerchief, but she accepted his drying of her eyes gratefully. Chakotay was leaving it up to her to tell Tom.

She didn't have many words left. All of it seemed inadequate. Maybe Tom would simply understand.

"We think his middle name should be Thomas, if that's all right."

Tom grinned. "It's an excellent choice of name, Captain." He had no idea why she was upset or why she thought he might not approve. He didn't have exclusive ownership of the name.

"I think you're missing the point," Chakotay interjected carefully. "We're naming the baby after you. Evan Thomas Janeway."

"After me...the 'Thomas' is after me?" The shock was like a splash of icy water.

"Ah, Captain, Chakotay." They couldn't possibly...clearly they didn't understand. The blurring of his vision made eye contact impossible and he looked down in an effort to regain control. "That's a nice offer, but I don't really think I'm the type of person you name a baby after."

Chakotay kissed Kathryn's cheek, then slid his arm out carefully from around her. Moving to stand beside Tom, Chakotay put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's not an offer, it's what we want to do. If you strongly object we'll use something else but I hope you'll allow it. In my traditions, we name a child after someone whose character we hope they'll emulate." There were other aspects to it, but he suspected Tom would meet them without it ever being spelled out. Chakotay wasn't concerned.

"I realise that's not necessarily the tradition here, but I'd be very proud to have a son grow up to be the kind of man you are."

Tom swiped at his eyes. "This hormone thing is catching." He grinned self-deprecatingly and the heat of humility burned in his chest.

"I don't know what to say. Thank you. I'm honoured." He nodded, smiling more comfortably now. "I'll try not to be too much of a bad influence."

"You've been such a help, Tom." Kathryn agreed with her currently far more eloquent husband. "It means so much to bo- I mean all three of us." He'd been so patient with her, and she was never an easy person to treat for anything, even under the best of circumstances.

Tuvok nodded his approval, a fairly emotional show for him. "The passing of names is a noble tradition in many cultures. I am sure this child will find a way to emulate your better qualities, Mr. Paris."

Seven drifted over, drawn by their shifts in position. She'd been cleaning up what she could. She was not tired and that seemed to be the most helpful. The captain still held the tiny baby she'd only glimpsed and Tom seemed to be emotionally affected by something Chakotay had said.

"Seven," the captain said, lifting the baby a little. "I want you to meet Evan Thomas. We're naming him after Tom."

"I am pleased to make his acquaintance." Seven stared down at the tiny infant and couldn't decide what to make of him. He was red and his head was still damp and slightly deformed from his journey. "He will not remember this meeting."

"You will." The captain smiled gratefully. "And I will."

"You were an incredible help, Seven," Chakotay added quietly. "We won't forget it."

Tom snuffled openly this time then sighing with pleasure, moved back over to the captain.  
"Time to get back to work. We can cut the cord now." Placing his hand easily on her abdomen, he pressed gently. "Are you having any more contractions?"

"No." Kathryn smiled at Tom weakly. "I thought I was done. There's nothing else in there, is there?"

Tuvok touched her shoulder, drawing her attention to the cord that had attached her son so recently to her. "The afterbirth will not hurt, nor will it be difficult to pass. It should follow shortly." He glanced at her breasts then at the tiny baby. "If he will nurse, that might be of assistance."

Kathryn looked to Chakotay and then Tom and Seven with a bemused smile. They'd already seen her in all states, they might as well see her breasts too.

"Looks like you get a show and Evan here gets breakfast. Does he know what he's doing? He's so little, Tuvok."

"It is an instinctual response. If you will permit me."

She nodded and watched as his fingers unbuttoned the top of her nightgown. "I've had them for decades and now they're going to be useful."

"Indeed. Nursing can be very convenient." Tuvok slipped his hands around hers and helped her lift the newborn's head to the right height. "Latching on might be-"

She gasped in surprise.

"-surprising."

Chakotay moved back in beside Kathryn, fascinated to see the baby eating so enthusiastically. It was an incredibly touching moment.

He understood Evan's appreciation and grinned to himself. In spite of Kathryn's amusement, he'd also found them incredibly useful, but it was a comment he'd save until they were in private.

It was surprising how animated Kathryn was. He'd expected her to be exhausted. Vaguely Chakotay wondered if there was a hormonal explanation, as there had been for almost everything in the past nine months, or if it was simply the excitement, and he made a mental note to ask Tom about it later.

For now he watched his son enjoying his first meal and marveled at how the baby knew exactly what to do.

"Does it cause discomfort?" Seven asked over Kathryn's shoulder.

When the captain was too engrossed in her son to answer, Tuvok fielded the question for her and everyone else who was listening. "My wife described it as sensation more of pressure than pain. She found the experience a convenient way of feeding and a useful way of bonding with our children. Perhaps the captain will find it enjoyable."

"Chakotay, he's hungry."

With the baby carefully supported by Tuvok's hands as well as her arm, Kathryn reached quickly for her husband, taking his wrist. "Can you imagine? He's just arrived and he's hungry. Already."

Kathryn's delight and amazement at their son sent a rush of warmth all through him. Entwining his fingers with hers for a quick squeeze, Chakotay indulged his happiness.

"Clearly he's brilliant, Possibly the smartest baby ever to be born."

Knowing Tuvok would never let that stand, Chakotay conceded the argument before it could start. "Not to mention the fact that he just underwent thirteen hours of hard work."

As had his wife.

"We should get you something to drink," he realised belatedly. "Maybe some more of that tea?" He looked to Tuvok. "Or is there something else that would be better now?"

"I suppose coffee's still out of the question?" She teased him hopefully, but Kathryn didn't mean it.

"Fruit juice would be a preferable choice," Tuvok said dryly. Even when he'd been awake all night, he still had no sense of humour, and Kathryn loved him for it.

"Chakotay-" she caught his arm before he could stand up. "We would have him without you. I couldn't have--" she shut her eyes for a moment and then smiled at him when she reopened them. "I love you, that's what I'm trying to say."

"Good thing." Chakotay teased softly, overwhelmed with a thousand things he wanted to say to her. Instead he held Kathryn's gaze for a moment, trusting that she knew.

He rose and went to the replicator, returning with her juice. "We'll get you something to eat when Evan's done his breakfast, and you're done what you have to do." The baby's name in his mouth was sweeter than Kathryn's juice, and he glanced over at Tom who smiled easily in response.

Sliding an arm back carefully around Kathryn's shoulders, Chakotay settled in beside them once more. He couldn't keep his eyes from the fascinating spectacle that was their son. It was hard to see who he might look like, the trauma of birth still evident in the shape of his head, but already Chakotay found the eyes reminded him of his sister and the mouth was all Kathryn, although he wasn't sure she'd see it.

Sighing with happiness, Chakotay kissed Kathryn's temple. "He's just incredible, and so are you."

Smiling at Chakotay didn't seem to be enough, but she certainly couldn't stop doing it. She didn't have words for any of it but Evan's hungry little mouth had shrunk her world back down to him and the little group of people around her. As if the edges had been fuzzed out and everything was soft and full of hope.

"When he is hungry again, you should offer the other breast. Keeping his use of them balanced will minimise discomfort." Tuvok's gentle instructions were more than she expected, but with the Doctor out of commission, he must have taken it upon him to research what his memory couldn't provide.

Kathryn had never been quite this euphoric. She wasn't drunk or intoxicated. It wasn't quite an orgasm but it was close to that contented feeling that came afterwards. Was this going to happen each time he nursed? Was it just adrenaline? His sucking slowed, then he released her breast and his tiny lips closed. His huge blue eyes stared up at her and seemed content. Even sleepy.

"Chakotay, would you..." She lifted their son towards him. She could have watched Evan for the rest of eternity, but once the afterbirth was finally gone, the idea of showering and changing clothes sounded so civilised.

"With pleasure." Chakotay scooped the little body carefully and cuddled him against his shoulder. Rubbing his back gently, he was surprised when the baby let out a loud burp, adding a small puddle of wetness to the blood and fluids already accumulated on Chakotay's shirt.

All right then. "Evan and I are going to change," he announced, although he wasn't sure anyone actually heard.

Carrying the baby into the bedroom, Chakotay located a blanket amongst the baby supplies and spread it one-handed on the bed. Stripping off his shirt he lay beside his son, greedily happy for the time away from the crowd.

"If your mother were here this would be perfect." He bent to kiss Evan's forehead. "She has a bit more work to do, then we're going to get her to eat something. Although I suspect it won't be much of a challenge."

Propped on his elbow, he traced a hand leisurely over Evan's body, bringing it to rest lightly on his chest, over the baby's heart. "We're glad you're here," he told him softly. "We've waited a long time to meet you. We've loved you from the time we knew you were coming, and we always will." Chakotay's eyes stung with tears.

Evan's blue eyes bore through him, as if he was taking in every word.

"I have a confession. I wasn't sure I'd know how to raise a son. My father struggled." He stroked the baby's soft head. "But I promise you, I will figure it out. You're perfect just as you are, you're exactly what I hoped you'd be, and I'll find a way to be the father you need."

Chakotay pressed his lips to the baby's soft belly, then drew back, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"Okay. Let's see about finding you some clothes."

Getting to her feet, Kathryn was wobbly, and her legs felt vaguely like they had at the end of the Academy's distance running portion of survival training. Nothing hurt, and that must have been the hormones. Tom and Tuvok were immediately with her and Seven walked right over. Something rippled across her belly, but it was nothing like a contraction.

She frowned, then turned to Tom with a quizzical look. "It doesn't hurt...but it's doing something."

Tuvok looked to Seven. "We will need a large bowl or pan."

Seven went to the replicator as Tuvok and Tom walked her into the bathroom. Leaning up against the wall of the sonic shower, Kathryn was almost too numb to feel much of the placenta slipping from her womb. It was covered in blood and mucus and deep purple, almost like a jellyfish or some other alien creature. Fluid ran down her inner thighs and covered her knees.

Which she could actually see. She laughed, smiling as Seven steadied her and Tuvok and Tom left to check the placenta.

"What is amusing?"

"I can see my knees." Kathryn smiled, took a deep breath and hugged Seven close. "Thank you."

"You have thanked me." Seven embraced her in return, less stiffly than usual. "Do you wish your clothing removed? I can bring you new clothing."

"That would be great."

Carrying Evan, who was now happily dozing against his chest, Chakotay emerged from the bedroom to find Tom standing at the table, scanning something that looked like the creatures Chakotay's cousin swore lived at the bottom of the lake.

"She's all right then?"

Tom turned and smiled. "She's more than all right, she's amazing. The placenta's fine, the baby's healthy, all's right with the world. In fact, I was just about to leave."

Chakotay nodded thoughtfully. "Before you go, I thought you might like to..."

His grin threatening to split his face, Tom ducked his head. "Really? Thanks."

Chakotay placed the baby in his arms. Tom said nothing but spent a long moment watching Evan sleep.

"I never really believed in a deity," he broke the silence, "but this is..."

"I know." Chakotay clapped Tom on the shoulder. "I know."

How long had it been since she'd felt alone? Five months? Six? Once Evan, she still couldn't believe he was here, had started being more than a devastating case of nausea, she'd always been with him. When she read reports, when she checked on the crew, he was always there.  
Now in the sonic shower, as the stains disappeared from her legs and the sweat vanished from her hair, Kathryn held still, listening to the shower's hum. She was still now, finally. The soreness, stiffness and the inevitable itching as her body returned to its new normal would come but for this moment, everything was quiet. Maybe it was still the hormones, but she felt like she was falling back from somewhere else. Slipping into her own body as if she hadn't worn it in awhile.

When she finally turned the shower off, Kathryn found pyjamas, socks and underwear laid out neatly in the pristinely clean bathroom. Seven had been efficient, as usual, and she'd have to thank her later. She wanted to thank the whole ship for allowing her the months of personal indulgence while she was pregnant. If Q had shown up to meet her son, she probably would have hugged him.

Emerging from the bathroom, she hugged Tuvok, even though he would usually have protested, and Seven both fiercely before they left. Tom and Chakotay were both staring down at Evan, who seemed to be asleep contentedly in Tom's arms.

"He likes you already." Kathryn slipped into the familiar warmth of Chakotay's arm and kissed his cheek. "Don't you think so?"

Tom blushed, then grinned, delighted at the idea even as he denied it. "They sleep a lot." It was almost impossible to hand the baby back, but he managed it finally, sliding the little form into the captain's arms.

"I wanted to, ah..." Tom cleared his throat, "thank you again for the naming thing. That was...really unexpected." It was the best he good do but he trusted they understood.  
Shaking Chakotay's hand, Tom headed for the door, then turned back impulsively.  
Retracing his steps, he leaned in and kissed Kathryn carefully on the cheek. "Good night, Captain. I'll be by to check on you in the morning, but for the next little while it's all about getting as much rest as you can." He winked cheerily. "Good luck with that."


End file.
